PN 4291 .03 Copy 1 PRICE 25 CENTS FRIDAY AFTERNOON DIALOGUES T $. DENISON PUBLISHER CHICAGO DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid » Unless Different Price is Given. COMEDIES, MELODRAMAS, Etc. M. F. All That Glitters is Not Gold, 2acts,2hrs 6 3 Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2V^ hrs. 30min 4 5 AuDt Dinah's Pledge, temper- ance, 2 acts, 1 hr 6 3 Beggar Venus, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min..... (25c) 6 4 Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs.(25c) 9 3 Bonnybell, operetta, 1 hr.(25c) 2 5 Caste, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 5 3 Chas. O'Malley'sAunt, 50 min. (25c) 5 3 Chimney Corner, 2 acts, 1 hr. 30 min 5 2 Consort of Heroines, 3 scenes, 35 min 0 16 Cricket on the Hearth, 3 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 7 8 Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs.. .. 7 4 Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 30min (25c) 8 4 Early Vows, 2 acts, 1 hr. (25c) 4 '2 East Lynne, 5 acts, 2 hrs 8 7 Elma, The Fairy Child, 1 hr. 45 min., operetta (25c) 5 8 Engaged Girl, 3 acts, 30 min.. 2 7 Eulalia. 1 hr. 30min (2oc) 3 6 From Sumter to Appomattox, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 30min..(25c) 6 2 Fruits of the Wine Cup, tem- perance, 3 acts, 1 hr 6 4 Handy Andy, Irish, 2 acts, 1 hr. 30min 8 3 Home, 3 acts, 2 hrs 4 3 Indiana Man, 4 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 6 4 IroD Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs. ..(25c) 5 4 It's All in tts Pay Streak, 3 acts, lhr.45min (25c) 4 3 Jedediah Judkins, J. P., 4 acts, 2 hr. 30 min «25c) 7 5 Lady of Lyons, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 8 4 Let Love But Hold the Key, musical,lhr (25c) 2 2 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2U hrs. 15 min (25c) 7 4 London Assurance, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 9 3 Losl in London, 3 acts, 1 hr. 45 m?n 6 3 Louva, the Pauper, 5 acts, 1 hr. 45 ^in 9 4 Man irt/m Borneo, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c)..., 5 2 Michael Erie, 2 acts, 1 hr. 30 m. 8 3 Miriam's Crime, 3 acts, 2 hrs... 5 2 MlT,su-Yu-Nissi, Japanese Wed- ding, 1 hr. 15 min 6 6 Money, 5 acts, 3 hrs 9 3 My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 New Woman, :i acts, 1 hr 3 6 M. p. Not a Man in the House, 2 acts, 45 min 0 5 Not Such a Fool as He Looks, 3 acts, 2 hrs 5 3 Odds with the Enemy, 4 acts, 1 hr. 45 m 74 Only Daughter (An), 3 acts, 1 hr. 15 min 5 2 On the Brink, temperance, 2 acts, 2 hrs 12 3 Our Boys, 3 acts, 2 hrs 6 4 Our Country, 3 acts, 1 hr 10 3 Ours, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 6 3 Out in the Streets, temperance, 1 hr. 15 min 6 4 Pet of Parson's Ranch, 5 acts, 2 hrs 9 3 Pocahontas, musical burlesque, 2acts, Ihr 10 2 School Ma'am (The), 4 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 6 5 Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs 6 6 Sea Drift, 4 acts, 2 hrs 6 2 Seth Greenback, 4 acts, 1 hr. 15 min 7 3 Snowball, 3 acts, 2 hrs 4 3 Solaier of Fortune, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 20 min 8 3 Solon Shingle, 1 hr. 30 min 7 2 Sparkling Cup, temperance, 5 acts, 2 hrs 12 4 Sweethearts, 2 acts, 35 min.... 2 2 Ten Nights in a Barroom, tem- perance, 5 acts, 2 hrs 7 4 Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2hrs (25c) 6 4 Ticket of Leave Man, 4 acts, 2 hrs.45min 8 3 Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 30min (25c) 7 4 Toodles, 2 acts, Ihr. 15 min... 6 2 Topp'sTwins, 4acts,2hrs.(25c) 6 4 Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 15 min , (25c) 8 3 Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 5 4 Under the Spell, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min (25c) 7 3 Wedding Trip (The), 2 acts, 1 hr 3 2 Won at Last, 3 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 7 3 Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 A successful list. T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. Ii FRIDAY AFTERiNOON SERIES OF DIALOGUES. A COLLECTION OF ORIGINAL DIALOGUES SUITABLE SCHOOL ENTER- TAINMENTS. BY THE k ^ i HOR OF Odds with the Enemy, Initiatinc- a Granger, Wanted, a Correspcndent A Family Strike, Seth Greenback, J^ouva. the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, Borrowing Trouble, Tv/o Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Justice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen Peddler, The School Ma'am. Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, Too Much of "7 ' "'.ing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider. The Da^ \"7ide Enough ^ for Two, Pets of Society, : .:r In? The New Woman, Paisy 0'V\ f.n?. Ke;ec:ed, Only Cold Tea. Madam. P"s Beautv Parlors. Topp's Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It's All in the Pay-Streak, The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, A Con- vention of PaDas, ALSO THE NOVELS The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, My Invisible Partner, etc. CHICAGO : T. S, DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph Street. Copyright, 1879, by T. S. Denison. r Copynffht Entry OlA^S A XXc, Nb. COPY B. niLliiuJiU S'lMiiiii^ r ^^1 JL. X»imi«rjfl^ 3I. Jk^ > FAGE» A Domestic Wanted ..c..,...., 3 The Secretary >> . 6 Getting up a Picnic. .. , , ic The Ghost in the Kitchen » » . . 13 Temptation Resisted , , . , . 17 The Boaster Rebuked, .c,... o.. 19 The Tea Party . . , o . , . 23 The Bashful Boy ^ » ^ - . . <> 27 The May Queen ^ « c . , . , . 31 The Anniversary. 0 , 33 The Runaways . . ^ ...„,. 37 TheQuack ^ ,,........ 42 The Debating Society . - . , « . » . . 48 The Amusement Circle . ■ o 53 The Patent Right Agent 57 The Society for the Suppression of Gossip * . 61 A Lawsuit . . . , .~ 65 Lost Opportunities 7i An April Fool 75 Always Too Late . o 78 Scandinavia {a Charade) «... « = «.... 80 Grateful, '' .., 83 Scintillate ** • • 85 Intensity ** • ^^ Stockade ** . • Qi A Parlor Entertainment 94 Lessons in Cookery » » * 107 The Traveller i09 Taking the Census , . , » ii3 The Paper Don't Say .... ...■•... « ^^^ Copyright, 18S9, by T. S. Denison. A DOMESTIO WANTED. Mm. Wimoh. ^™^- I Katkina. Jrr». Tr»2*<>7j, M^^ ad'om-tue$ for a domestic, seated. EnUr S^ak Sarah Vm not very particular, ma'am whether T t«lrA a r^1o«^ r f,^™^- , The wry i<;sf ma'am, i 'm always been particular ./neve, < ngage m a faniilv that ian'fcnVo/ .;„o^ im ...^":™™i*^' I lous, un ' wui volr'f, ;!"'^r ■ ■ '^ '■ '■!^£^'^ Tf propriety, J i ' - - - . a /.> . ^.r - ; -"^ ^^f ^ i^ri^jlrst Uasi. I'll starve befor^ '-^ ^ -^ .--. f a io^, unja-Hhionable place. "c*v/i« see. strtj. vviii YOU nit a>« t'l' '5:,nr^r^9 Aoxr ^^^i^v *^» • .en.ant«,yourdr,i:;vv .. ...^Xaf^^'P °"*^ *^° em*''Tberme "';"• '?';"«ral duties mean drudg. tS cook wh™' : ,^'^ ^"^"''^' J^i^d-lm's, an- helpiS' comp''ai?ed of 'l„..., .,..,, .,, „, ^J^' ^^ myserraBts have never Sarah. My Mat is light cluim ber work, an' I guess I'll sHok tr my^hne, an' cooks may stick to theik wKj ^JoTpa^^' Mrs, W, Four dollars a ?r?ek! always an<^ i ^or jl^jj. iVe had five dollai^ \i/ta TIT T ^" 'S V \ "^'i'' ••^iiiiUay afternoons to myself fc/ r Snf ^1r-?;'^^ ?'^^ "^"^ SundaySnoon. oj.ran. i coujun't possibly chano-e mv cimtnrn Tf TTr^., « give way, y,,u may be alwa'ys givfn- 4y In^iJvP^" >f°^' vanu to understand thHr» ' certamly expect my ser- px*V .9«,.aA.) What imL^°SeT I dPcl^rTu-r^ explanations brazen creatures soma oF^^i^^^^^^l^ 4 A. DOMESTIC WANTED. tan rids. They expect to do little or nothing, and tell Iheli mistress how and when it shall be done. Here is another appli- cant (Enter Bridget) ^ «*j #«^« « ^.a^ Bridget. Good mornin* mum! I see ye advertise for a gude, genteel domestia I thought I'd be after seein' ye. Mrs.W. You can give references I suppose? Bridget. Av course! I've saived Mrs. Fitz Poodle of Ruby street an' Mrs. Saiat Saphire of Dimund Avenoo, knows me. Mrs TF. Then you have never served plain, ordinary people. Bridget Niverl I've always moved in the tip-top circles. I've known a dale of foine people. MrH W I*m afraid then that you wouldn't suit us. Bridget. Oh, I mane, mum, that the people were only ex- 3txoodin'y ordinary people. ^ , , Mrs. #. Oh, I seel Extraordinary ordinary people, and what may that mean ? , ^e . i Bridqet Just this, ma'am, that they were very fome people, but not as foine as they might be. Mrs, Fitz Poodle onc't belonged to the common people, I belave. Mrs.W. Very probably! Bridget, For me, give me a plain, slnsible woman like yer self. Mrs, W, Can you do all sorts of work! ^ ^ , Bridget Ma'am, I prefm- light chamber work, but I donl mind answerin' the dure bell onc't in a while. Mrs W. I wish a servant-of-all-work. I keep a cook, however Bridget I'm thinkin' the duties would be a trifle heavy for me, as I'm a bit delicate like. {Enter Dinah.) Dinah, Missah, I saw de advertisement, an' called to see about de place. .__»-. x •. ». j Mrs. W, Take a chair! I will talk to you. What place had ^^Br^dget (Aside,) It's a shame that nagurs should be takin' the bread out 'o dacint white people's mouths. Dinah. Last place, I was de lady's maid. Mrs, W. But I want no lady's maid. Dinah. I could oversee de chamber work. Mrs, W* Ch&rsee it! I want no overseer. I want some one to ^ the work. , . t. v. a Dinah., If de work ain't too heavy, dat might be arranged Mrs W, I wish a servant who can do all kinds of housework without instructions, and who is willing to work. Can you scrub imd build fires, and wait on the table? ^ ^ v, Dinah. Don't know about de fires ! I could wait on de tabie I understand de way scrubbin' ought to be done. 'Spect 1 could oversee dat. ^ ^ .^ ^ u^ ^.^^. Mrs, W. I keep but two ierrants, and I wish cme wlM) una^- stands lOl these things. A DOMESTIC WAirrSD, § Bridget, I gtippose, ma*am, ye allows the servants toresare eompany in the kitchen, an' gives them one avenin' out In the week besides Sunday, accordin' to custom. Mrs, W I should wish first to know what the company was and should not encourage frequent calls, I allow only Siindav evenings. "^ '^ i Af^^^^.^^\ (^^^^^') J*^ afraid she wouldn't suit me at all {Aloud,} Are there any children, ma'am! Children are ver? tiymg to the nerves. ^ Mrs. W. No children I £pdget Well, ma'am, I can't say that ye exactly suit me, but I thiuk I'd take tne place for five dollars a week. Mrs. W. I could not pay so much. Four dollars is all I have paid. Bridget Four dollars for a drudge ! I niver heard 'o the likes Let me say, ma'am, that if you want to buy a slave ye ouffht to pay a better price. Good day, ma'am. (Sails out in highdudg. eon.) ^ Dinah. Mlssah,I'll take de place at dat price. Mrs. W. But you will not suit You can not do my work. Dinah. I's been in de best families. Mrs. W. That I do not doubt, but I'm sorry to say yoU would at suit me. (Exit Dinah.) Still another ! Come m! (Entev Katrina.) ^ Katrina, (Shyly.) I come about te place for ein serfant ml Mrs.W, You are German, I see! Katrina. I bin seven years from Chermany. Mrs. W. Can you do all kinds of work ? Katrina. Yal I lives mit my fater an' mutter. ^ I plant te ear- ten an' feed te piggies, an' chops te stove wood. Mrs. W (Aside.) Dear me! How ignorant she is. (Aloud.) Can you build a fire in a furnace ? Katrina. In te lime furnace ? Fater works in te lime furnace Mrs. W. Goodness no! The furnace in the house. f/^ftna. Furnace in te house I Dat will purn te house up. Mrs. W. Can you do chamber work ? Katrina. Chamber! Vat is dot work ? I tink I could do it 1 takes te place. Mrs. W. I'm afraid you wouldn't suit me. I think you are pot used to the kind of work I wish done. Can you scrub and iron ? Katrina. Well, I tink I could scrub. I've seen dot done. We scrubbed two or tree times at our house since I was biff enous-h to remember. Can I haf te place? ^ Mrs. W. I think you couldn't do my work. Katrina. Well, dot's funny. I thought I could do efery kind of work. (Exit.) ^ Mrs. W, This getting a servant is absolutely dreadful. Here'a halt the morning gone, and there'll be fifty more her© just lilw tflose I've turned away. ^{Bit^ TEE B'EOEETAMY, THE SEORETAEI. 03^A.3R»-^OT:B^®i Ckahleb. Akthxjb. WiLU George. What will we do this evening, boys ? James, Let's debate. ^ „ t. *%.- * OharUs, I'm tired of debating when a fellow has nothing le lay. , . Arthur. Let's get up something new. Will, All right! Arthur, you propose something. Arthur. Suppose we organize a court and try somebody. Will Oh, that's old, and there's no fun in it. Eenry I think it would be just the thing to elect some one as secretary of something, and have the others come in to see him on business. Father has lots of fun sometimes with people who come into the office. James. That would be first rate. George, You know more about it, Henry. You start it for us. Eenry. All right, but you must do everything I tell you, boys. AIL Go ahead. We will! . Eenry First, then, somebody must be superintendent or presi- dent of some company, and somebody else must be his secretary. Georo-e you be superintendent of the Valley lUilroad, and I'll be your Secretary. You must put on a heap of style, and tell me what to do before you go away for the day. James, vou will be a man who has had some cattle killed by the cars. You will come in and want big damages, and threaten to sue the company, and may be want to whip somebody, , , ^ James. That'll suit me. I'll blow you up nicely. You must be gruff and refuse to answer questions, just like a real secretary. Eenry. Charlie, you may be the man who wants a pass over the road You'll have to be some sort of dead-beat i ou can be a congressman, or an editor, or a delegate to some kind ot con. vention. I won't let you have the pass, and you must get mad as a hornet Will, you may be. & loafer and bore me awhile. _ Arthm', What must I be ! Let me be a miiUonaire traveling for his health. , . ^ ,. ^ , *. *v«i. Een/ry> That would n^t do. Millionaires don't travel for ^elr health. They can't afford it It wouldn't look real. You be a THE SECRETARY. 1 peddler and bother mc, and I'll get fighting »ngry and kick you out of the office, Arthur, That 18 n't exactly to my taste, AIL Can't get out of it now, Arthur. Henry. Remember you all agreed to do as I laid. Now get ready, while I fix ^aay desk and papers. {Exeunt all but Henry ^ w?io spreads papers plentifully over tJie table^ sticks a pen behind one ear and a pencil ^behind the other.) Now I'm ready. (Enter George.) George, (With offlHaZ air) Henry, I shall be absent this fore- noon on important business. In my absence you may make two copies of that contract between the company and the owner of the Plum Point gravel pit. Then you may foot up the reports of the agents for the last month, and answer all those letters in this mornmg's mail. If that is n't work enough, you may finish up those circulars. {Exit George.) Henry. Work enough for half a day! I should say sol That contract alone will take half a day. Guess he thinks I'm an iron man run by steam. {Fv^hes up his sleeves and begins to torite. Enter James.) James, blister, this is the office of the superintendent of the Valley Road, is n't it? Henry, {Gruffly.) It is, sir. What is your business ? James. W^ell, what have you to say about this last trick you*ve been cuttin' up. Henry, I don't know what you mean, sir. James. (Angrily.) Of course you don't Railroads always are mighty innocent I'll tell you what I mean. Your ingine has been killing my cattle. It's a perfect outrage, that's just what it is. I'm bound to have this made right, so I've come to headquarters. There were two steers worth $20 apiece, and a cow that wasn't worth a penny less than $40. Then there was a calf— Henry. Guess you're slightly mistaken, mister. James. Guess I'm not I suppose I know what I had killed. May be you'll say I have not lost any stock. May be you'll say I hadn't any killed last summer. May be you'll say I haven't had gome killed every summer since this tarnal old road was built But I can prove it Now see here toill you pay this bill f Henry. No, / won't ! James. {Threateningly,) Then I'll make you do it Henry. I tell you, you are mistaken. I am not— James. I tell you I'm not mistaken. If you say so, it's the same thing as telling me I've lied. Come out in flie yard and we'll see who is mistaken. Henry, I am not going out into the yard, but I wish you would. Joffoes. Mr. Superintendent, you can't get rid of me till that bill is paid. Henry, I am not the superintendent JamM. Then why didn't you say iw? S THE 8ECRETABY. Hmry. I tried to, bnt you wouldn't let me, Jame^, Is n't this another dodge to get rid of met I've read of your dodges. Henry, I ^assure you that I am only the superintendent's private secretary. He will be in this afternoon. See him, James. (Going,) 111 call again. Pm determined to have pay for that stock. 1 hope you are not oflended, mister. I wouldn't said what I did if I'd known it was you. Henry. That's all right. {Bxit Jame9.) He*s a tartar and no mistake. {Enter Arthur.) Arthur. (ApprGaching with pencils, blank books and stationery.) Lead pencils ! Very cheap I Three for five I Henry. (Without looking up. Gruffly.)) Don't want any. Arthur. Cheapest made ! Try one! Henry. We're supplied! Arthur. Got some very nice envelopes ! Ten cents a package. Henry. I don't wish anything to-day. Please leave the office. I'm busy \ Arthur. I*ve a novelty in the way of a pencil sharpener. Henry. (Curtly.) Get out ! Arthur. And some very cheap rubber bands! Henry. Will you get out, or must I kick you out. (Rushes ai Arthur who haMily exits. Henry seats himself to torite.) A plague on these peddlers! (Enter JVilL, seats himself and takes out ciga/r to sm^ke.) Henry. This is a private office, sir. Will. Very comfortable one, coo ! (Strikes match.) Henry. You can't smoke here. Have you any business to transact here ? Will Nothing special. Thought I'd drop in and see how you were getting along, Henry. We don*t accommodate loafers ! Will {With show of indignation.) I'm no loafer. Pm a tour- ist looking at the beauties of this region, Henry. Then you'll get a better view of the beauties of this region outside. ^Will Ah! so? Henry. (Aside.) You look very much like a tramp. (Aloud.) Are n't you going ? Will. Certainly, if you wish it! Soon as I get a drink- (Starts toward water pitcher.) Henry. The pump is good enough for you. You can't make yourself at home that way in this office. Get out (Sta/rts to- ward Willy who Exits hastily. Enter Charles meeting Henry.) Charles. Good day, sir. (Offers his hand.) Henry. You have the advantage of me! Charles. Well, I presume you don't know me, though of course you've heard of me. My name is Roper. I'm grand-worthy -high master of the Antediluvian knights of the boxed comp^igg, a semi THE SECRETARY. % political, semi social, semi-religious, semi-ante-secretsociety organization. llenry. Indeed f Is it semi-ciroular too ? CJiarles. Hem \ not tliat I am aware of I'm on my way to & convention at Cindenrille. Henry. Indeed ! I hope you'll have a pleasant time, Charles. Thank you I It's a momentous occasion. Expectant nations hold their breath awaiting the outcome of our deliberations. Henry. Really \ I hope those proceedings will not take their breath entirely. Cha/rles. Hem! No, I suppose they won*t Young man, you are inclined to make light of serious matters, I'm sorry to say. The other road gave our party passes to this point. As a matter of course your road will extend a like courtesy to Cinderville. Henry. I have no orders to that effect. Charles, But I understand that you have discretionary poweri when your superior is absent. Henry. I exercise those powers only in a certain kind of cases. Charles. What, case, sir, can be more important than this? This is an occasion of tremendous moment Are you aware of that, sir? ^ Henry. I am not, sir. Charles. Then I am surprised at your ignorance. Will V give us passes ? Henry. I will not I don't know any of you. Cha/rles. I shall write you up in the papers. This is unheard of presumption on your part It is an insult to the great oide.) of which I am the head; it is an unparalleled outrage. Yo^ will hear of me again, sir. {Exit.) Henry. I've had enough of being secretary. A fellow get' blown up too oftesL {Exit^) ig OBTXmO UP A PlONia GETTIIG UP A PICMC. NKTTiB. ! ^^mi. Ella.. I^***., ATrfif « Now, girls, aad boys too, we've met to see about what «e'lldothelLt day of school' We always do Bomething, and a-s time we toew what it is going to be, I'm in fayorof a picmc. Ella. I think a lawn party would be just the thin g. Sf So'^aTpfcS "iVeTa'd of nothing butpiduics since I have heard of anything. I hate them. S'LeVstlveTflSparty. «id a moonlight sail on the ^^%tUe. 8om« of th. folk« say we can't have any more moon- "^Sr' Hang some o' the folks, 1 say. ^They object just because th^vTre altttfe too old to be invited, and not old enough U> stay "ks'riotH'Bn^^'^4^^^o& S.''r,^i^WontttSrm'£tom^^^ Tk a pane of glass with it {AU ■ laugh.) > May. Ghcsts are a humbug. 1 . Ida. Ill never be afraid of another one. \ Julia. They're silly I r Bdtoard. We must to that pane of glass before father coma, { » jou now Rote. He is a real little man, I gay Wilbur. Not & bad boy I It's a pityhe'8 poor. VtoUt. {Pulliny out a handsome uatch) I murt be eolns Ma told me not to stay long. •«• uo gumg. Ro,e. Oh, what a pretty watch I That is yonr birthday prea- em from your father, I suppose. IVe never Ld it iTmy ^^dt yLooki at iDatch.) It must have cost ever so much. ^ tellmef* ^'^°^ ^°^ °""^^' ^^- ^**^«' wouldn't Maud. I wish my father would get me one. But he savs 1 don't need a watch yet {Bxmnt alCj uutnesays I ScsNB XL Mattie and Harwy. Ea^. 80 we're not Invited to the excursion party, sisterl H^vey ' "^ "^ ^'^'' ^"^'^ wanted*^8omuchtogo, J^TrfJ^^A^^ ^^\ "^""'l SO, Mattie. I don't care for my. onffe goTng.*"'' ^""^ *''"' '""'^ ^^*« "^ We know every Hwrvey. Sister, let me tell yon Bomething. We must find other companions^ Violet Wilson and her set Int^d to cut oS acquaintance. We have to work for our living, and they do n^ Ihey don't want us in their circle. 6> " "''^J' "" aoi Mattie. It looks so, brother. Haroey It »« so, Mattie. I've seen it for a long time. We're not as well off as we used t» be. I don't care I straw for thi picmc on my own account I'm sorry you feel so badly. Mattie. Oh, don't mind me, Hai-vey. It grieves me that you enouS"^ ^ ^ ^^ " "^^'^ "^^''^ biforeyou are steong f/,"^1'T^^«t,^^ Tf w.?"-f P*^-*^* '■^^■■'^*^ '"°°«'' I'» be satisfied wilTsdrmefurmru^"^ "^"^ ^ ^^^ ^ "^^ ^^- ^teel says he SoSlf^gS;tu7n?p^sa?^S^'^- » -^^^ ^1 mamma. Ha^f^fAvli^lt^* 1'*''°'^ *!^™ "P ^Jiemselvea I'll work from Sldoes ^^'^ '^^''P *" '°°*'*' "''^ ia « day as Jack anStoVo^SSm"^^ ^'^^^ ^ wish yoa wouldn't have u^JT'^^ '^w ,f *P°"y Sood fellow, and he don't rut on ain like those nch folks that don't like our company. '****"" "^ ^attto. I don't think he is honest Don't ^ intimate with IS TEMPTATION RESISTED. Harvey, Pshaw, sister ; you're too easily alarmed. I neTet saw Jack steal anything, and he never asked me to steal oay- thing. One must have chums, you know. Mattie. Do without chums rather than have dishonest ones. Harvey, Well, I guess you will do without, Mattie. Your rich friends have cut you, and you are too proud to go with poor folks. ^ ^ , Mattie, If Jack eyer proposes axxythiiig bad to you don't you listen to Mm a minute. Harvey. Sister, I guess you think I am about to become a highwayman. Jack knows me too well to propose anything dis- honest to me, Mattie, Beware ! Jack is cunning. (Exeunt) ScEim IIL Harvey aiid Jack. Harvey holding a gold wateh. Jack. This has been a mightv lucky day, Harv. That watch is worth more than we could both earn in six months. Harvey, But the watch isn't ours. Jack. We must restore it to the owner, if we can find him. Jack. Pooh I We donH know who the owner is, and we re not bound to hunt him up. We might give it to the wrong person. The owner is rich, and won't miss it much. Harvey. That doesn't make it ours because the owner is rich, and can afford to lose it. I think I know whose it is. You know Violet Wilson and a lot more girls and boys are down at the lake to-day sailing. Wonder if one of them hasn't lost it May be there's a name inside, (Opens the watch. Beads: " Via- let; from hm- father?') . , . , x... x. Jack, That's too bad! Harv, I think we ought to have what we find. See here! We'll not say anjnhing about it, and she will think the gipsies found it You know they're camped by the lake. Harvey, That wouldn^t be right, Jack. Jack. Didn't we find it? Then isn't it ours? Ill take it to the city and sell it Nobody will ever know. Who needs money worse than we do t I'U take all the blame, and give you half the ^^nlroey. (Hesitating,) What could we get for it? Jack I believe we could get one hundred dollars at least See, it's a beauty. With your half you could pay your mother's rent for three or four months ahead, and get nice clothes for your sister, so she could go with the other girls. Then we could get a ffun between us, and go a^hunting whenever we pleased. Harvey. Maybe Violet's father will offer a reward, and then we can get that*'and not be dishonest Jack. Pshaw ! Old Wilson is too stingy ! He won»t give any reward worth having. Think what you can get for your slstei- You like her, don*t yon t Ha/r^ey^ Yes! THE BOASTER REBXJB3B1X |f Jack^ Tlien remember her! Harvey, I was just thinking of something she toM ma Jock. ■ What was that ? HarT-ey. She said never to do anything dishonest. Jack, Pooh! That's a girl's notion. We're not stealine the ^atchl ^ nnrtey. But it IS just as bad. Hark I here comes Violet ai^ the party now, Jack, Slip the watch into your pocket I Harvey. Xo! Til return it to the owner. Jack, Harv, youY-e a fool I {Enter Violet, Maud, Rose, Dick, and Wilbur,) Eapey, Miss AV'iIsou, you have dropped your watch, and I found It. Allow we to return it. Violet Oh, ihank you ! I'm so glad I I never expected to see it again t ILirvey. Indeed ! you thought I'd keep it, did you ? VioUt. Oh, I didn't mean that I knew you would return it, If you found it, but I thought those dp^ies had it, as we saw they had just passed where me lost it. Thank you, Harvey. Harvey. You are very welcome ! {Exeunt Harvey and Jack,) Violet. He's a real good fellow, after all. I'm sorry he couldn't go to-day. ^ Wilbur. He should have been invited. Ill ask him and Mattie to my parties. ' Bone. So will I. I don't care if they are poor, they»re assood as anybody. (Exeurd.) i- » / s THE BOASTER REBUKED. . George. ^^cx, j Aleck, WiLUB, I Kathab Jach,^ Boys, I wonder how George has spent the afternoon t Willie. I saw himdown at Smith's playing croouet as I pass© . playi..^ -,^.. ._.^^ He said he mtendc.^d to go a-fishiug aftpr he piayeci that game. Aleck. Then he'll have a wonderful fish story to tell when \k gets back, Nathan, Yes, ns to go in swimming he wil^ do something exti_. .. . ..e way of diving, or swimmlni arace, or something of that kind. Jack, George Is the worst fellow to blow Mi own h Say, Annie, we've played and romped till I'm as hungry as a wolf Let's crown the Queen and have our dinner. Samuel. That's what I say. Annie. I think it's time. We*re all hungry. Samuel, bring that chair that we decorated for a throne. Dick, tell Harry we're ready. We will get the singers all ready. (Samuel brings in a large chair decorated handsomely with branches and flowers. Places chair in the center. Enter Hick and Harry.) Hick. Here's your orator brimful of speech. Harry. And anxious to distinguish himself. 80 hurry up. I've not enjoyed myself at all to-day, I couldn't do anything but think over that speech for fear I'd forget it I can't stand It any longer. Annie. We're all ready. (Exeunt Mary and Anniey who escort in Lizzie dressed in white and her dress trimmed with flowers. Other boys and girls follow. They escort her to the chair. She is assisted into the chair and the two girls fall back beside^ and slighU ly behind her* Harry advances with crown of flowers and speaks.) Ha/rry, Fair monarch, let admiring subjects crown thee Queen of May, as May crowns the earth with flowers. May your reign be happy, and youi kingdom flourish. Flowers will crown thee, And flowers will ever remind thy joyous subjects to pledge tbeli TOWS of loyalty anew. Beautiful flowers are the only gems Hi to «hine In the erown of the lovely Queen of May« I crown thee THE ANNIVERSARY MEETING. 38 with the love of thy subjects, (Places ihs erown an h$r head.) Long live the Queen of May! All, (Shout.) Long live the Queen of May! (AU pass before her in procession, offering gifts of flowers. Close with a May song.) Note. — May songs may be found in most good music books. Woodland Echoes, Pacific Glee Book, Silver Carols, Song Echo, Whip-poor- Will, contain such songs. THE AMIYEESAET MEEimS. Eon. I Salmb. JjKXNiBU I Emma. JennU. Aggie, have you learned jovlt piece so you wre sure you can irpeak it ? Aggie, I think I can. I*m dreadfully nervous though. You don't know how afraid I am that I'll forget it Bailie, Oh, yes, / know. I shanH forget soon how frightened I was last year when I made the presentation speech. Gelia. i couldn't do it for the world. It frightens me nearly to death to speak a piece Friday afternoons. Emma, I don't see why this is any worse than Friday after- noon. Sallie, Try it once, and you'll see. Just think of getting up before a whole house full of people to make a presentation speech. It makesyour head swim and your mouth gets as dry as a stale crust You can't sit still before you get up, and when you are up you can't stand still. Just try it and see. Aggie. ^Vhat must I do if I forget Sailie* Sallie, Stand still and pretend you're thinking, but listen care- fully or you can't hear the prompter. Don't turn your head o? everybody will know somebody is prompting you. Celia, you must speak clearly so Aggie can hear you, but no% loud or the audience will hear. Emm^, I ponder if Rose has her speech ready, thanking us for our unexpected present t JmmiU. t m^po^ so. She knowi thfti the society makes ^ $4 THE AKNIVEKSARY MEETINQc President a present each anniversary, and that a speech li ex pected. Sallie. Last year I had mine written and learned a month beforehand. Celia. Do you wish me to prompt you in your valedictory address, Jennie ? Jennie, No, I won't be prompted* If I can't speak without it, I'll sit down and say nothing, or I'll say anything that comes first Aggie, Humph, if you once forget it, you can't think of a thing. Cel'^'a, I think that's a real nice album we got for Rose* Emma, Let's go and look at it again. {Exeunt all. Enter Rose.) Rose. I wish this was over. There will be such a crowd present at our last meeting, and the idea of my having a speech all ready when people think it is impromptu! I've called the present a vase. TliaVs what it was last year. I wish I knew what it is this year. I hope I shall not forget my piece, for Emma speaks so loud everybody will hear her prompt me. I don't care so much for the annual address of the retiring Presi- dent, for everybody expects that to be prepared for the oc- casion. {Re-enter all the girls, A few others may appear as part of the society if th^re is room^ and the teacher wishes it.) Rose, Girls, is n*t it time to begin f Jennie, Yes, it's eight o'clock. Call us to order. Rose, {Raps 0n the table,) The society will please come to order. {All seated,) We begin our programme for the evening with music entitled {Here vocal or iustrumental mtcsic should be introduced. The music may be by girls alone, as this is supposed to be a girls* society^ or if desired^ boys may take part in the singing^ and if the teacher desires it^ a declamation by a boy or a recitation by a girly or both , may be introduced into the pro- gramme^ according to the length of time to be occupied. If there a/re declamations and readings, the President announces them in proper order, and tJiey may be followed by music. Then comes the President's ^^ Annical Address,^* Rose. {Standing,) Members of the Philomathean society, It becomes my duty, according to custom, to deliver to you a few remarks before retiring from the honored position of President of the society. I haven't much to say because I have left all that to the valedictorian, who can say it much better than L I take pleasure in saying— {Stops.) I take pleasure in saying— {Stops.) Celia, {Asid-e.) Oh, dear, she has forgotten! Rose* I take pleasure in saying — Emma. {Aside prompts loudly^ '* This year has been **— Rose. ITbiia year has been a pleasant one for the society. Wo hATe all profited greatly by oujp exercises during the year, I hs^ THE AKNIVERSARY MEETING, 8> next year may be still more pleasant and profitable. I am glad to say that tl\e progress of the society speaks for itself, and requires me to say but little. {Seats herself .) Aggii, (Rises and advanc-es with album in hand) Miss Presi- dent, in behalf of the society, let me thank you for the faithful manner in which you have performed all the duties of your ofiice. We wish tc/ thank you, not only in words, but to present you a slight testimonial of our regards. Take this album. May it always recall nothing but pleasant thoughts. May it serve as a link to bind the future to the past As you turn its pages in future years, may each face be to you the face of a friend, though it may be an absent friend or one that has gone before you to an eternal home. May the memories awakened by this book be sw^eetened by advancing years, for the Philomathean society will never die. Long after it has ceased to meet in our school hall it will meet in the beautiful halls of Memory, where Presidents will sit enthroned in their olficial chairs, blushing maidens will timidly read their first essays, declamations will be raced through as of old, and the prompter will startle the phan- tom assemblage by a sudden line from her secluded corner. May your recollections of the Philomathean ever be brighter than the prompter's dim comer. Rou. Members^ of the Philomathean society, I thank you for this beautiful testimonial of your esteem. I scarcely know how to express my thanks for this beautiful vasa Se^xfnU. (ExcUim half aloud.) Oh, my t It*s not a vase. Hose. Every time I cast my eyes upon it, I shall think of you, and — and— everytime I— and everytime I cast my eyes upon it — Emma, {Rather loudly) The memories will certainly be among the sweetest of mv life. Xiose. And everytime 1 cast my eyes upon it, it will awaken memories the sweet'est of my life. This vase — {Confused) Oh, I meant album I — wall be a treasure which I shall ever cherish. Excuse me, for this is so unexpected. I thank you again. {Seated. A pause) Jennie. {Ands to Celia) She was awfully scared Rose. We will now hear the valedictory by Miss Jennie Jones. Jennie. Fellow members of the Philomathean, you doubtless expect in this case that your valedictorian possesses all the won- derful qualities of valedictorians in general. That is, you expect a remarkable production w^hich shall reflect all the varied talents of this society. You expect that I shall dish up to you the wit that we have heretofore had from our brilliant member, the humor we have had from our funny member, the poetry that we have had from our poet, the logic that we have from our philosopher and— pardon me-— the duUne^ we all contribute to the common stock. {Stops^ Bollix {Half Aloud) I bid her she'd forget it I JmmU. Bui jou inll be disappointed. Omitting Xti% isdi m THB ANNIYERSAEY MEETING, vidnai parts I have named, I shall represent only the dullnew of the common stock. (Stops.) Emma. {Rather loudly.) Look at your paper, Jennie. It is very difficult for a valedictorian to fulfill {Stops,) — for a valedictorian— to fulfill — Celia, (Half aloud.) She's forgotten every word 1 Jennie. Yes, I have, forgotten it, but I said I wouldnH be prompted, and I won't. (General laugh.) I haven't much to say anyway, I wanted to say that it is hard for a valedictorian to make a suitable speech, and I think you will ail believe me now. (Laughter.) So I'll just go to the last part of my speech and say good bye. I'm soiTy the year is ended, and I hope you're all sorry too. If you're not you ought to be. It is n't worth while to ask you to remember each other. You'll all do that without asking, I trust I've forgotten all my nice poetical quotations, but I believe that one of them said : * 'If thinking be a task, why theai forget*^ (The exercises may dose with muuc tf desirsd^) THE RUNAWAYS. CHAEACTBE8. Sam Joioai. George Iyes. I Mrs. Swipp. Mr. Ives. j Susah Swift. scEinsi, George. Sam, I tell you what it is, hoeing potatoes is a swindle. 8am. You're right, it is. My back is nearly broken. George, My arms are so tired I couldn't hold up the hoe ft iniDUte longer without resting. Sam. Ha! ha! {Laughs heartily) Well, George, that's the best joke of the season! (LaugTis again.) Your arms are so tired you couldn't hold the hoe any longer. {Foking George slyly in fJve ribs.) George, the fact is my chin got so tired pushing against the top of my hoe handle that I had to give it a rest, too. Tirai I I should say we were. ' Why, we have been here three ^ours at least, and we've hoed along our rows aa much as three rods. George, It isn't our fault that we do not get along faster. Circumstances are against us. We are hoeing from the shade tree instead of toward it Sam, That's so i Shade trees ought to be planted all along the rows. George, Yes, that is my idea 1 A shade tree every rod and a hill of potatoes every ten rods. Sam, I hate potatoes. I wish father wouldn't plant any more. After awhile the bugs will come along and eat them all up. What's the use of hoeing them ? George. Yes, the bugs will be here knee deep in a few day« and then we shall have to throw them out of the lot with & scoop shovel. Sam. Yes, that's the way to do it They will break their necks as they fall on the other side of the fence. 8i^, <3lec»r|^ 37 THE RUITJLWATB. 1 let's go oyer to the woods and throw at tlie birds awhile. It wiB rest your arina. George. All right! Mrs. Swift hag some mighty nice straw- berries, too. Wouldn't some of them rest your jaws and chin a little? 8am, (8ma4!^ hU lips,) Ah! Don't mention it You lacer- ate my feelings. George, Really she wouldn't miss a few berries when she has io many. There wouldn't be much harm in it. Sam, Mother says that taking fruit that way is stealing, and is wrong. But then I've heard father tell how he used to hook apples and watermelons, George, Pshaw! Everybody does it What's a little fruit? Eating a few strawberries isn't stealing. 8am. All right George. I'm in for it nobody need ever know it George. Sam/ why can't we get the berries and then go off a few days for a good time. 8am. I've thought of that, only I would go for good. I am tired living in the country, driving up the cows, hoeing potatoes and killing potato bugs. People in town do not have to do such things. I'd like to keep a store and have nothing to do but wait on people and read the jpapers and go to &e theater evenings. George, I'd like to be boss in a big factory and have nothing to do but tell other people what to do. I bet I would make 'em walk. 8am, The boss thing is to be a railroad conductor, but cousin Dick, who lives in the city, says that everybody can't be a rail- road conductor. George. The best thing is to run a circus. But then I sup- pose a fellow needs capital to start a show. Sam. How much money have you, George ? George. Two dollars and a quarter. Sam. I've only a dollar ana a half, and father's gone away for a month. There's no use to ask mother for money, fche says I don't need it. George, Well, we must begin a little lower and work up till we get more capital Sam. Humph* We need not wait long. Father gays he itarted with half a dollar. George. Sam, we have no time to lose. Father will be home at noon. You go home and get your money, and I'll gO" and get mine. You bring a tin cup and two spoons, and I'll get some cake and sugar. We will go over and pick a lot of Mrs. Swift's «trawberries. I know how to get into her milk house. She has tip-top cool milk and cream. Sam. That ia capital We shall ha?e gtrawberries and cream THE RUNAWAYS. 89 with calre. That will not be a bad dinner. Bee, we nave bettered our condition already. Oeargt. Hurry up, Sam. (Exeunt in diff&reTU directiom.) ScKiTB II. Sam and George seated on t?ie ground lunching on ttrawberriUy oream and caks, ErU&r Mr$. Swift unobserved by then. George. Isnt this fine? Sam, As cmr teacher always says, this is ns plus utt'ra, Mrs, 8, {Aside.) I've got the rascals this time. Ge (Curtly.) Don*t call me your good woman- I'm Mrs. Swift. TJiat is my name. Mr. I. Then, Mrs. /Swift, will you please inform me what my son and this other boy, who was working with him, have been doing? Mrs. 8. Stealing! Mr. I. I am surprised I Mrs. 8. I suppose yon are. Old folks are ihe last ones to be- lieve the meanness of their young *una George. It isn't stealing to pull a few berries and get some cream to eat with them. Mr. I. George, has it come to this that yon must turn petty pilferer ? I feared something was wrong and started in search of you as soon as I missed you. Your false notions of a life of ease will ruin you and disgrace me, I fear. Let this be a warning, boys. You are detected in your first crime. It is well if that detection prevents another crime. Why will you take fruit when you have plenty at home ? George. Oh, father, forgive me this time and I'll never do so again. Mrs. 8. Well, that boy ainH so bad, after all Mr. I. iOfers money.) Here, Mrs. Swift, this will pay yon for your loss. DonH mention this, if you please. CJome, boys, we must go, Sdm. {Going aside.) Wish I could be forgiTea that way. Dad will lick me, I guesa ^ THE QUACK THE QUACK CHARACTEB8. Dn. Bhakp, a celebrated physician, Mk. Spindle, very delicate. Mr. Heatt, very fat and gouty. Mrs. Quick^ very nervous. Mrs. DObbs, with a " goneness." Miss Fairy, with beauty and a tendency to ftTOirdopdbl, Dick Bicker, with an affection of the heart 8harp» {Sitting at a tabU coTUaining l>ottle8 arid medidinen.) This town is decidedly the best place I ever struck. There is something in belonging to a highly respectaUe profession. Med- icine is the thing to make money out of. Here I am getting rich so fast I don't know what to do with all my money. My clients are numerous and rich, and, thank heaven, not too in^ telligent. Brains are a humbug. Only a few people ought to have them. If everybody had them—which a wise Providence will never allow— there would be no getting along at all. As it is, chaps like myself manage to get along very comfortably. (Looks at his watch.) Business must be attended to. Office hours 10 to 12 A.M. It is near iy. ten now, and . there will be a whole battalion at the door on time. Spindle, the dunce, and Dobbs, the old dolt, and Mrs. Quick and Miss Fairy, will ail be here with their aches and pains and fears. Ha! ha! If it wasn't for the imagination, doctors would star^ve. I tried teaching school, but that was a failure, because I had to cultivate the in- tellect. Raw material insufficient I tried literature — results, failure. Cause, had to cultivate my own intellect, raw material failed again. Tried business and failed because I had to appeal to the pocket-book, the most impregnable part of the human anatomy. Tried medicine, used my own stock of brains in fuddling the brains of my patients. Quickened their imagin- ations with lively fears. Glorious results I A fine crop of dis- eases and a splendid crop of greenbacks. Let me see ! Are my medicines for the day all ready. {Takea up a bottle.) Here Is the Tincture of Iron and Elixir Quintessant, $1.00 per bottle. That is 1^ Spindle. Gli^ious medicine, thatl Ckuupositioii protectee THB QUACK 43 try lettcri patent from mv estimable guardian and benefactor, iJncle Sam. I call that tincture of iron— because it won't hurt a man wiib an iron constitaiion. It is made of forty-cent molaases, aqv/x pura, ox pump water, a little rhubarb to make it taste bad, and a little peppermint to make it taste good. Add a little glycerine to make it slip down, and you have it. When I five it to Heavy I call it *^ St George's Gout Slayer," and when give it to Mrs. Quick it becomes *vThe Phosphatic Nervine and Champion Recuperator." {Bell rings.) Ah! here they come. {Ooe$ to door, Erder Spindle.) Sharp. Good mommg, Mr. Spindle. How are you this morning? Spindle. (Sinking into a chair.) Miserable! miserable! Dr. Sharp, you must save me. STuirp. I'll do it. Let,me feel your pulse. A trifle irregular yet, I see. Let me see your tongue. Coated somewhat (Aside.) He has been stuffing himself with fried liver again- (Aloud,) What are your general symptoms! Spindle. Miserable! miserable! Sharp. Is your appetite good ? Spindle. Miserable! miserable! At breakfast I can eat nothing. SJoiirp, Nothing! Spindle. Next to nothing! I usually call for fried liver. That and a few hot rolls and coffee is all I can manage to eat I am going. Sharp: Oh! don't go yet I will prescribe for you, Mr. spindle. Spindle. (In a sepulchral mice.) Alas! you misunderstand me, Dr. Sharp. I am going to the other world. Sluwp. Oh, yes! I beg your pardon! You mean to -— to heav- Spindle, To heaven, I hope. Sharp. Come, come, my boy. Dont talk so. I'll pull yon through all right Did you take all that " Tincture of Femim and Elixir Quintessant?" Spindle. Yes, Sharp. And all the pills t Spindle. Yes. Sharp. Do you feel sensitive to heat and cold f Spindle. Yes. When it is very warm I feel oppressed with heat, and when it is chilly I feel chilly. I can't account for it, Doctor. Sharp. Do you take any exercise ? Spindle. Doctor, I can't It would kill me, I know, Shmy. Your case is peculiar. Under unskillful hands it would prove dangerous, but I'll pull you through all right Here W wjother bottle of the Elixir, and here is a box of pili^ (Asids^) h 44 THB QUAGi:. Made yesterday from best baker's bre&d, (Aloud.) Oome agaiai when tbese are done. {Bell rings.) Spindle. Good mornings Doctor. 8harp, Good day, Mr. Spindle, {Exit Spindle, Enter Heavy.) Ah! glad to see you, Mr Heavy. How are you ? Eea/cy. {Dropping with a thud into a chair.) Dull, Doctor. Pm deucedly dull this morning. Sharp* What are your symptoms to-day! Heavy, I still have headache. Sharp, Indeed! At what time of day? Heavy. Oh, at any time of day. It com^ by spells sort of ofl / and on. I feel dull, too. ,' Sharp, When do you feel dullest t ) Heavy, Just after eating. ^^ Sfuirp. Appetite good ? ^ Heavy. Well, yes, I can't complain of it! Don^t eat much, either. I always take a little of everything, though. At dinner I taste the soup and hsh. Then I always was fond of poultry and usually take a piece of roast turkey or chicken, with dress- ing. Of course a meal is n't a meal without something sub- stantial, so I generally try a slice of roast beef or pork. I take a little dessert, pie, padding, and fruit. I never considered those things as amounting to anything. Sharp, Oh, trifles, of course. {Aside) Enough to destroy the stomach of an ostrich. {Aloud) Do you take wine also ? Heavy. A trifle, Doctor. Never more than three glasses. Sharp, Mr, Heavy, I believe I have hinted to you that a gouty man would be as well off without wine, 1 donH wish to deprive you of the comforts of life, but possibly oue course of meat and one of dessert might be suflacient for a sick man. Still, you must decide for yourself. Heavy, Dr. Sharp, I can*t possibly get along without the wine to help digest my food. It does me so much good, and as lor the meat, what can a man eat if he don't eat meat. I shall not starve myself if I die for it. But what do you think of my case ? Sharp, You are progressing, sir. {Aside) Toward the grave. {Aloud) Take another bottle of the "Champion Gout Slayer and Incredible Discovery." That will fix you. Take as before. Don't fail to come again as soon as that is done. {Bell rings) Heavy, I will faithfully obey your instructions. Here is twenty dollars on account. Sharp, Thank you, Mr, Heavy. {Exit H) That ring is Mrs. Quick's. I will give her some of the '' Phosphatic Nervine and Great Recuperator*' and a little electricity, and get nd of her aa s(X)n as possible. She has a catalogue of aches, pains, pangs and twinges as long as the moral law. Hanged if my battery isn't 3til of order. Well, I'll just turn the crani and she may hold th« /J THE QUACK. 45 poles, and her ima^nation will do the rest (Enter Mrs. Quick.) Sharp. Good morning, Mrs. Quick. How are you to-day ? Mrs. Q- Poorly! Poorly I I have a dreadful numbness in the little -toe of my right foot, and such a queer sensation in my right ear, and the left side of my stomach feels -— — 87iarp. {Hastily interrupting her.) Say no more, madam. Fhe skilled eye of science recognizes at a glance the insidious nature of your mysterious malady. Do not be alarmed, all sh aJ] be well. Mrs, Q. Oh, I am so nervous. Sharp. Be calm. Electricity is what you want. That mys- terious and divine life-giving agent that leaps across the universe at a bound, mocking the snail pace of light and turning swift- winged thought giddy, is certainly able to overtake the lurking disease. Is it not ? Can't it overtake dyspepsia ? I guess so. Can't it knock the spots off a diseased liver ? I think it can. Take hold of the handles, madam. {The battery may he easily improvised. A writing case or some other box with a lid may be placed on the table with the lid raised toward the audience. Behind, this the Doctor turns a " make-believe'^ crank. Two wires with handles or knobs take the electricity to the patient.) Sha/rp. {Turning the crank.) Do you feel the effects yet! Mrs. Q. Oh, Y'J ! It does me ever so much good. Sharp. {Aside.) Deuced queer as the thing is not working at all. {Aloud.) Can you stand a little more ? Mrs. Q. I think so, Dr. Sharp. Just a leetle more. {Doctor turns faster.) Oh, that is so invigorating. If I could have that oftener I think I might live to comfort Mr. Quick. {Sighs.) But it is dreadful expensive at two dollars per time. {Dr. turns still faster,) Stop, Doctor, I think that is all I can stand. Sharps It will not hurt you in the least Shall I give you a slight shock? Mrs. Q. {Screams and jumps up,) Oh, don*tj I could neyes stand it, I know. {Bell rings) Sharp. Another patient;' I am extremely busy. Here is an- other bottle of my great Elixir, also a box of pills, {Aside) bread, {Aloud) and here is one dozen corrective powders. {Aside) sugar and chalk. As her case is complicated I sort o* mix the med- icines, some of them will hit Mrs. Q. Is this all ? Sh^arp. That is all. Good day, madam. (Exit Mrs. Q- E?^ ter Miss Fairy.) Miss F. {Speaks in a simpering^ languish/ng manner,) Dr. Sharp, you aon't know how I have wanted to see you since yes- terday. I know that your anti-fat preparation will not do me any good. tiharp. Bless me, did you expect to get thin la *mj% dsj^ 40 THE QUACK Miss F, Well, Doctor, I tliink the remedy ought to have some effect in that time. Don-t they usually, Doctor? Sharp. I sometimes give remedies that produce marked effects in less time than that, but this is not one of them. Give it time. MusF, I do so dread becoming fleshy. I think my figure is not bad. What do you say. Dr. Sharp ? {She steps past him $oqu4tti8hli/>) ^Sharp. I think it is splendid, charming! divine! Miss F. There, now, stopl That's just like a man's flattery. But what do you advise? . Sharp. Oh, keep right on with the powdered chalk — I don't mean chalk. What was I saying? I was about to say that Bchool girls often eat chalk, and thus cause great expense to the public. Just keep on with the *' Crystalline Antidote.'* Th.at and a few pickles will keep you all right. Have no fears of get- ting fat. {Aside.) If she lives to be fifty she v/ill weigh three hundred. {Bell rings. Enter Mrs. JDobbs. Exit Miss Fairy.) Mrs. D. Doctor, I feel awful. I'm desp'ritf poorly. That medicine didn't do me a mite o* good. Sharp, Are you fevered ? Mrs.JD. No! Sharp, Are you chilly f Mrs.]}. No! Sharp, Have you a headache I MrsD, No! Sharp. Short of breath! Mrs.B, No! SJuirp, Appetite good1 Mrs. D, Fair to middlin' like. But 1 donn know whal ails me. Sharp. {Aside.) I don't, either. Airs. D. I have a sort of feelin' of goneness. Sharp. " Goneness 1 " Now I have it. {Aside.) 1*11 give her a little of everything in the shop. {Mixes a preparation from geverai bottles.) Take this every hour till you feel better or worse. (Exit Mrs. D,) Thank heaven she is gone» Now I wonder what will ail the next patient ? {Enter Dick Bunker,) Dick, Is this Dr. Sharp 1 Sha.rp. {Pompously.) I am Dr. Sharp. Dick. Then I want your advice. I am a used-up man. Sharp, You don't look like it Dick, Fact, though ! I am not what I seem. Shci/rp. What are you, then? You don't seem very sick- What ails you ! Dick, Well, you see I was in the army and got shot clean through the chest. I didn't mind it much. But the bullet went ekan through as I said, and I didn't |^et it Now if it had stuck THE QUACK 47 I shonld hare kept it for a trophy to show people and brag about But 1 lost it, and the thing has worried me ever since. I dream of bullets, I can*t sleep, and I am losing fiesh daily. Sharp. Dear, sir, you want electricity. Be seated here. Take these handles, now. {Turns the crank. Dick begip^s to smile. Sharp turns harder. Didc laughs. 3, turns ' faster and faster. Dick roars with laughter.) Sharp. What remarkable effects electricity has on you, Dick, Wonderful I I think they would be marvelous if the machine worked. You can't fool me with that old box I'm Dick Bunker, your old college chum. Shirp. {Looks intently at him,) Why, bless me, if you ain't Dick. How are you, old boy? Sharp. First rate! Making money! Electricity pays. Dick You are right I don't mind telliug you a secret. I am practicing medicine in the next county myself. I krow how it is. Sharp, I nearly killed myself trying to keep my fa'^.e 3traight wlien you began to turn that old crank. Sh^rp. Well, we will say no more about that It is twelve ©•clock and business is over till four. . Let's go to dinner. DuUc. All right, my boy, Til join in tkat sentiment (ExBy-^JJ 48 THB ©EBATIHQ SOOIiSTY, THE DEBATING SOCIETY. CHAKACTERS Affi/rmative, Negative. Tom Daily, Ike Bakton, Dick Bulard, Jim Siler, Fred Baker, Jack IsviNa. Sam Slow, Chairman^ Bob FBTHEBS,iS'^*f, StTRTECT.— " Eesolved. That the horsd is a greater benefladtor t& ttiankind than the whale is." Sam, {Rapping on the tabls.) The Lyceum will come to order at once. (Boi/s eontintie talking ^ Sa/m rap$ louder.) I saj, this society is coming to order. Jim. Let it come ! 6am. Mr. Secretary, take your place immediately, and record one fine for Jim Siler, ten cents for contempt of court (8ecr0' ta/ry wHte$ in his book) Jim. That isn't fair. I shan't pay It 8amri. Order, or I ^411 make it a quarter for contempt in the first degree. That is the constitution, I guess you can't dodge the constitution, can you ? Jim, I guess I can. Seoeral. No, you can*t. Sam, If there is any more disorder, I'll fine everybody all round ten cents. (All la/ugh loudly^ Sam looks very iev ere, hut does nothing.) This here society is a runnin' Into the ground, that*8 just what's the matter with it (All laugh.) Mr. Fethers, why don*t you read the minutes of the previous meeting ? If you don't know your duties why jest say so at once. Bob. 1 was waiting, Mr. President, till you got through fining the Society. Sa/m. Mr. Secretary, please proceed. Bob. (Meads.) Fagtown, Aprile the 19th. The Fagtown Ly- ceum met according to contract, President Samuel Slow in^ the €^air« Jim Bil^ wsui fined tea cents for insulting a Tisitor, vii^ THE DEBATING SOOIETY. 49 pulliiig: the chair from under Maria Stubbs as she sat down. Fred Baker was fined five cents for refusing to put coal into the stove when the chairman ordered him to do it The question discussed was, ^^Besohed, That the hen that sits on the eggs is the mother of the chickens, instead of the hen that lays the eggs,*' Decided unanimously in favor of the hen that laid the eggs, because there's a leetls more than settin* required to hatch chickens. A hen may set on a door-knob for six months and not hatch any chickens nor door-knobs either. Mr. President, I would add, with your permission, that I have hooked all these fines carefully. I have four or five string of figures clear down the page^ but no- body has paid a cent ot 'em yet Sam. Fine them all again if they don't pay, I rather guess that'll bring 'em to time. (Alllaugh.^ Oraer! {Raps Umdiy,) If there is no objections, the minutes will stand improved, Dick. Mr. President, improved is not the word. It ought to be reproved. 8am, I say, it is mproved. Dick, I say, it is r^roved. Ike. You're both wrong. It is approved. Sam, Sit down there. Ike Barton I Address the President, when you speak. Fred, {SJwuiing,) Mr. President t Mr. President! Mr. Presi. dent (Jack is slwuting Mr, President at the sams iim^,) Sam, Stop your noise there, sit down both of you. Fred, All I wanted to say was, that I thought you were right Sofn. All right I The chair decides that the word is improved. The minutes stand improved. Jack, That decision is not fair. I appeal to the house, Sam, You can't appeal from that decision. It takes a ma- jority. Jack, Mr. Chairman, I rather think this society is a majority, and the chairman is a minority. {To the boys) Ain't that so? SffoeroL Yes, yes. We'll have an appeal. Jack, Anyhow, Gushing says, the chairman can not dedde a question he is interested in. Dick, That is correct I move we have a committee. Sain, I don't see any second to that motion, but I'll take the responsibility of appointing a committee to tna out whether the minutes stand improved or r^prov^ Dick, Or approved. Sam, Secretary, fine that man ten cents for contempt of court The chsdr can stat^ the question without assistiuice. That com- mittee will be a standing committee. It will ^a&d at the table In the comer and come to a decision. Fred. Who is the committee f Sam, Fine that man five cents fm disorder, Mr. Becretarf. Tha committee will be Tom Daily, wh© ha^nH said a word t©. ■Igkt He's beea ^lakis* deep en th# qu^tk)a« Ike B&rtOB. 50 THE DEBATING SOCIETY, and Jim Siler. Gentlemen of the committee, I hope you realize the great responsibility that rests upon you. Retire and bring in your verdict. [Gommittee retire to the corner and consult the dic- tionary a few moments ' diey come back.) Tom, {Q-ravely.y Mr. President, we have done our duty. We have acquitted ourselves as citizens and patriots. We have found a verdict. We found It in the dictionary. According to the old dictionary on the table, t'mprove means to improve^ reprove means to reprove, approve means to approve. We decide that to be sure, it was best to put in all three. Sam. Very well done ! The committee is discharged, and the Secretary may reprove, improve and approve the minutes. The first speaker on the affirmative, is Thomas Daily. The debate will now begin. Tom. (Pulls out a paper full of notes. Pres. and See. note argu- ments.) Mr, President, and fellow members of the Fagtown Ly- ceum and Literary Social and Intellectual Improvement Society: The question to-night is, ** Resolved, That the horse is a greater benefactor than the whale is,'^ First place, what is a benefactor I A benefactor is something that is useful, as I understand the subject. Then a horse is a benefactor, a cow is a benefactor, even the hog is a benefactor, so is a wheelbarrow. I guess you might say boils were benefactors for they do some good 'cordin^ to the doctors, though for my part I don't set much store by 'em. {Gets eloquent.) Now, Mr. President, I'm for the horse every time. A horse is used for a great many useful uses, and what is the use of denyin' it? Now, who ever used a whale for any useful use, I'd like to know ? They're too big. You can't do anything with them if you had one. I can prove it by the Bible. Jonah had a whale and he was glad enough to get rid of it. I suppose the negative won't try to upset the Bible will they? I'd just like to see 'em try it. I'm for the horse as I said. The horse is useful. Of what use is the whale ? If the whale is a benefactor, he must have done some good to somebody. Show me the man the whale ever benefactured and I'll give up. {Grows more eloquent.) I'm for the horse. The horse is useful and the whale isn't. ^^Qiales are hard to raise, too, and I guess they must be pretty expensive. Suppose they were benefactors. You couldn't raise enough of *em to do any good. Just let the negative tiy raising a few whales and they'll give up soon enough. I'm for the horse. He is a benefactor and the whale isn^t Suppose jou want to cross the creek, are you going to catch a whale and ride him across? Not much. You go to Sie field and catch a horse. {A voice from the negative. If you can) What if a horse is hard to catch, is a whale any easier to catch? I'm for the horse. The horse has lots of horse sense, but the whale hasn't even horse sense. He don't know enough to dive down out of the wet when it rains. I'm for the horse. {Seated) Bob. (Eead») Negative, eTim §il^. THE DEBATING SOCIETY. 51 Jim,. Mr. President, I am for the whale. If the whale isn't a benefactor where will you find one? The gentleman on the confirmative of this question tries to run down the whale. He Bays they are not plenty. What if they ain't? Angels ain't very plenty in these parts either, but they're good enough for all that How does he know that whales are scarce? He hasn't seen any round here. I guess horses are about as scarce where whales grow as whales are here. That ain't no argument at all. A thing don't have to be plenty to be a benefactor. It's got to be good, that's all. Now I can show the confirmative in two min- utes that the whale is oi some use. Where would the women gQt their whalebones if it wasn't for the whale? Take 'em out of a horse I 'spose. Just think of it. Every woman in the world is interested in the whale, and when a thing is good for the wo- men it is a benefactor. That's all I have to say. That one argu- ment is enni.igh to upset the confiirnative. (Seats himself.) Lick. i^Ir. President, I rise to a point of order. Jim Slier said confirmative three times for affirmative, Jim. That is no point of order. It is on^L-y a point of criticism. 8am, The chair decides that point of order to be out of order. Bob. Ike Barton, afllrnrntive. Ike. Mr. Chairman^ I'm for the affirmative. But I don't see tnat there is any room for argument Everybody knows that the whale is no benefactor and that the horse is. What do great men say of the horse and the whale ? Did General Grant ride a whale at the battle of Pittsburg Landing? Not much. He rode a horse. W^hat did that fellow say who was piajdng Richard somebody, down at the hall the other night ? Did he say, A whale ! a whale! my kingdom for a whale? No sireel He yelled like a whitehead for a horse, (Seats himself.) Bob. Fred Baker, negative. Fred. Mr. President, this is a big question, and the negative has the biggest side of it. (Oet$ eloquent at once and gesticulates wildly.) The whale is a big thing, and we havn't said one half that can be said about it. No, not one third. Now, when this question says whale, it means more than just the whales that livt^ in the se^. We all know that any big thing is called a whale. There is a big punkin in our cornfield that dad calls a whale. I bet that punkin will make twenty pies. Then isn't it a bene- factor? I claim it is. Then the teacher always whales bad boys when they don't behave. Isn't that whale a benefactor? Of course it is. Then there is a treemenjus amount of oil used. Dad- says it comes from whales. Now, how could we have sperm oil if it wasn't for the sperm oil whale, or castor oil, if it wasn't for the castor oil whale, or linseed oil, if it wasn't for the linseed whale? Let the afiirmative get around that if they Can. Ike. (Jumping.) 3Ir. President, I rise to a point of order. Tb© gentleman is off the subject He hasn't said a word ftboul beiM^ m45t*ari. 02 THE DEBATING SOCIETY. 8cmh, The chair decides that oil may be a benefactor if tht affirmative can prove it. Fred. I can soon prove it. The Bible speaks of oil poured on troubled waters. That kind of oil is a benefactor. Then there was the widow^s oil that she kept in a meal barrel. Wasn't that a benefactor? The affirmative bring in the Bible. Well give them Bible till they're sick of it. That is all I have to say. The other side have not rebutted any of our arguments. {8itL) Boh, Dick Bulard, affirmative. Dick, Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen. {All laugh. A voice, '^ Where are the ladieaJ'f) 1 mean Mr. President, and— Mr. President, 8a7n. Mr, Bulard! Dick. Mr. President, I haven*t much to say. I'll submit the question, with the points of my coUegs, {Sits down.) Boh, Jack Irving, negative. Jack. {Hunts for hi$ notes and can not find them,) Mr. Presi. dent— {Looks for his notes.) Mr. President, everybody knows the whale is a humbug. I mean the horse. We've proved that {Sits down) Tom. Mr. President, in conclusioii, I say rule out the argu- ments on the punkin, and on whalin' in school. If you can't tie a question down somewhere what is the use of argument? {Sam and Bob compa/re notes.) Sam, The committee of officers decide that we'll rule out the punkin and keep the whalin' in school, because that is to the point. The affirmative gain the question by one majority. They made ^e arguments, and the others only^our. ^ciety is aa joumed. {Ourtam) THE AMU^^B^MiiU^T UiECLB. 5^ THE AMUSEMENT CIRCLE CHARACTERS. FlORK2!^CB, Mat. I Willis. Ida. Arthur. Florence, Wliat shall we do this evening! I am tired of play- ing games. Willis, And I am tired of authors. May. Let's pi ay charades. Arthur. Charades are stupid. Ida. I will tell you what to do. Suppose we tell stories. Willis, Humph! That is easy enough. Anybody can teD stories. Florence. Ma says it is dreadful wicked to tell stories, even in fun. Ida^ Pshaw! When you don't tell a lie it isn't A fairy story isD't a lie, because you don't believe it, and nobody tells one ex- pecting you to belieye it Willis. All right, Ida, you tell us a fairy story, Ida> No, each one shall select his own story. Florence, you know lots of stories. You begin. Florence. Very well, what shall I tell you. (Thinks a moment,) I will tell a story of " The beautiful Maiden, the Gay Boiight, and the Wicked old Giant" Once, a long time ago — Arthur. How long ago ? Florence. Don't bather me. A long, long time ago — twenty years ago I guess, there lived in a neat Tittle cottage on the edge of a great forest, an old wood-chopper, and his beautiful daugh- ter, Sylvia. The old man was poor, and Sylvia never attended the seminary, but when she went to a picnic in figured calico, with a five-cent blue ribbon round her waist, and a rosebud in her bosom, all the young men from the college left the seminary girls to fall at the feet of the beautiful Sylvia. They longed to feast their eyes on her beautiful charms. They delighted to look into her great dreamy eyes, and she delights to have them do so, becatisa she knew that lemonade and peanuts w^re ifieritable. 64 THE AMUSEMENT CIKCLE. Oh, how the seminary girls turned green with envy when they saw the gallant voung men rush up in battalions to treat Sylvia to lemonade. And when one young man with a polka^ot neck-tie and three-story collar, triumphantly took Sylvia away to the swing, the other young men from the college wore a great big thundercloud over each eyebrow, and swore vengeance, awlTi] bloody vengeance. On one such occasion, tradition says that seven high-Dom youths rushed frantically down to the lake, and were about to plunge in and end their woes, when the man who kept boats spoke up full gallantly and said, "No bathing here, gents, if you please." Sadly they wended their way back to the feeminary girls, and in sheer desperation spent the rest of the day in croquet Just beyond the forest and back of the seminaiy grounds there was a great, dark cavern in the edge of a cornfield. Here lived a monstrous giant, a regular pirate of a giant. He had an arm as long as a fence rail, and teeth as big as a fruit-can. He ate a whole ox every day for dinjier. Once in a while he got tired of beef— he never would touch hash — then he sallied out and caught a seminary girl and ate her. He used to eat college boys before the semmary was built, but after the girls came, he wouldn't touch a boy. He said they were too tough. The boys even got so bold they went and stole all his melons, and pulled his early cherries, till life became a burden to the poor giant. A college boy who had been dreadfully smitten with the charms of the fair enchantress, Sylvia, had in his despair turned pirate, with his headquarters in a peach orchard not far off. One morning as he sat under a peach-tree musing as to the best means of cur- ing a cold in the head brought on by too close application to business, he heard heart-rendiug, hair-lifling screams issuing from Sylvia's humble domicile. He seized the stub of a lead pencil, the most convenient weapon, and with the deadly imple- ment he soon arrived at the scene of action to find the giant car- rying off Sylvia, while the poor old father was in tears. The student, after a flourish or two, plunged his lead pencil through the giant's heart. The grim old villain fell dead exclaiming, "That's the man who took my melons." Sylvia fell in the arms of her deliverer and murmered, *^ Take me, Frederick, my pre- server, I am thine, but don't muss my collar." Willis. Then what happened? Florence. That was all. Now May, it is your turn. Arthur. You didn't say whether the girl had false teeth or not Florence. Of course she hadn't May. I will tell you a tine story, of true love. (All laugh.) But you mustn't laugh, for it is very touching. Once upon a time, a gallant youth of forty winters became enamored of a fair young creature of thirty-five summers. He was tall and stalwart ni^ » imighUy bearing, that is, he would have been knightly If THE AMUSEMENT CIRCLE. 55 the cruel fatea had not doomed him to work by the month in a cheese factory. She was a perfect picture of loveliness. She was tall and willowy. She spoke with a lisp, and wore No. 7 shoes. Her front teeth were all good. Her eyes were blue, and her hair a splendid golden yelldW. It was that hair that won his heart. His name was Jeremiah, and hers Sarnantha. He called her Manth for short, and she called him Ijliah. Miah used to call on Manth regularly three times a week^ Sundays, Wednes- days and Fridays, until her father found that he was nothing but a hand in a cheese factory. Then the old gentleman got mad and forbid the gallant lover^s seeing the trusting young creature, his golden-haired willowy daughter. The girl said she would see him, aud the old man said she shouldn't. So he shut her up in the garret, and fed her on bread and water. That stern pa- rent was determined to break the spirit of the poor young thing. But Miah happened to pass one day going to town with a load of cheese. She spied him through a crack and softly yelled, ''Miah! oh my I Miah!" He heard, and climbing up peeped through a knot-hole and heard her sad story. He went back to the wagou and brought a cheese and put it through the small window. Every night after that T^Iiah brought her a cheese which she ate while her cruel, cruel father wondered why she grew fatter all the time. In six months he gave up the job as hopeless and gave his consent. i\Iiah and Manth were married in the village church at early candle light. Ida. That is a^ splendid story. Arthur, Humph! I can beat that. There was too much cheese about it. Willis. Say Id^, don't tell us a love story. Tell an Indian story or something that boys care about. Ida. I shan't tell you any Indian stories. I'll tell a fairy story I read once. A long time ago in a far country there were two . twin sisters who loved each other very much. They were so fond of each otlier that they could not bear to be separated. One cu- rious thing was, that both were afraid of rabbits. A wicked old witch who hated the little girls because they were so happy, used a spell and turned one of them into a white rabbit- But she told the poor rabbit that the spell would be broken if her sister ever spoke kindly to her. The rabbit watched ever}'- opportunity to appear in the presence of her sister. At first the girl was fright- ened, and then she became angry to think that her wishes should be so crossed by a dumb brute. One day she concealed a stick under her cloak, and when the little animal leaped into the path before her and looked up pleadingly, she struck it a cruel blo^\over the head. The rabbit cried out '"* You have killed your little sister," and instantly vanished. The poor girl was horrified and stricken with remorse. She took to her bed and soon died, calling to the last for her lost sister. They buried her under a 56 THE AJMUSEMENT CIKCLH favorite tree where she used to sit The rabbit never could be found, tiut people passing that grave on moonlight nights say that a little white rabbit may be seen sitting at the head of the grave. But it always runs awa}^ when any one approaches. Florence. What a queer story ! What does It mean ? May. I never heara of the like. WillU. Now, I'll tell my story. We have heard about true love, rU tell you about crossed lova Listen, for it's a tip-top story. Ida, Well, don^ praise it too much yourself, Willis. There was a fellow out in Iowa who fell in love with a dreadful pretty girl, whose father had just moved out. from York State. She was the x>rettiest girl in four counties. She was a stunner. He fell in love with her at a picnic. He had it bad from the start He proposed lemonade, but she didn't drink lemonade before dinner. He proposed peanuts, but she didn't like peanuts. He mentioned gingerbread, but she couldn't bear gingerbread. He was getting worse and worse gone all the time, but she didn't care a straw for him. He proposed a swing, but swinging made her head ache. What did he do then ? Shoot himself? Not much. He went and swung with another girl who was as pretty as she was. That's what he did. And he mar- ried the other girl too, and the York girl found out too late that she had carried her head a little too high. Now Arthur, let us hear vour piece. May. Why, is that all ? That's no story. Willis. All! How much do you want? He got married. Isn't that the end of a story ? Arthur. I'll tell you a tale of the briny deep. It is a first-rate one. Get ready to listen. It is about raging waves dashing mountains high, and so on. All ready? Girls. Oh yes, do go on I Arthur. Be careful you donH miss any of it Here goe»: Three wls8 men of Gotham, Went to sea in a bowl ; If the bowl had been stronger My tale had been longer. But so weak was the Dowl, That they sank every toaie Florence, Oh you humbug t May. It's a shame. Id^. We wont stand such an impositiim. {AH €has§ Arthwr out.) THE PATENT RIGHT AGENT< THE PATENT RIGHT AGENT. CHARACTEBS. Mb. Thompsoh, afarm&r. j Thb Ajg^eht. TJiompsan seated reading a paper. Enter ths Ageni* Agent, Good moftiing, Mr. Thompson ! How do you do t T. Waal, I can't complain ! How are you ? Take a seat. Agent. (Glibly.) Lovely weather, isn't it ? Splendid for the spring wheat. I see you are sowing early. That is the way to raise a good crop. T. I always try to get my work done in good season. (Eyeing ifie Agent) Be you a cattle buyer ? Agent. Oh, no, I'm trayeling a little. That's all. I tell you, Mr. Thompson, the farmers up this way are driversy and no mis- take. I rather think you are the shai-pest one of the lot, too. T. How the deuce do you know that my name is Thompson? Agent. (LaugJis.) Hal ha! you are a slv one! The idea that a stranger could travel in this county and not hear of Thomp- son, the foremost man in the county. (Aside.) I'll soft sawder him a little. T: Waal, stranger, I reckon you are about right Everybody does know Thompson. (A»ide,) He has something to sell, but he can't soft soap me. Agent. Mr. Thompson, you have some of the best sheep down in the pasture that I've seen in this State, I am & judge of sheep, too. T. Undoubtedly you are I I guess you can*t beat them in these parts. (Aside.) What has he to sell, anyway? Agent. (Aside) He can't resist flattery, I see. Ill give him a little more. (Aloud.) Why is it that you always get more for your wool and your pork and produce than your neighbors get f T. Because they are better than anybody else's ? I tell you what it is, stranger, I know how to raise stuff, and I know how to sell it. The man who gets ahead of old man Thompson in a bargain- is no spring chicken, I ean teD yo^ 58 THE PATENT RIGHT AGENT. Agent (Aside.) Now, I'll get him sure. (Alowiy glibly.) You are right! I like to see a business maa; it is a pleasure 'to deal with a man who understands business. By the way, I have an article here I would like to have your opinion on. jT. Waal, Mister, I won't charge you anything for my opinion, but I shan't buy, that's sura Agent Oh, never mind the buying. In fact I don*t know that I care about selling. I have a valuable invention here, and I just want your opinion of it. Your opinion is worth something. r. So you are a patent rightman ? Agent (With sJmo of indignation.) Mr. Thompson, yon do me a ^eat injustice, i am no patent right peddler. 1 am a capitalist T, A what? Agent, A capitalist T, What is a capitalist ? Be you a iightnin*-rod man or a sewin* machine agent? Agent Oh, no I no! Mr. Thompson, you hurt my feelings, you do really. I am a man of means, I bought this valuable mvention from the originator, and I am furnishing capital to handle it—money, you know. T, (Laughs.) Yes, I guess I see. Mister. But I think all the capital I want to handle a patent with is a pair of gloves. Agent, (Laughs.) Oh, you don't mean it But I must show you this little machme ; it is a beauty. It will do the work of ten men at the expense of one boy. T, Humph, well that is cheap enough. Agent, I'll show it to you. (Takes model from his valise.) This is called the champion potato-digger. (Sets machine on tJie table) (Any ingenious hoy can make the ''^ potato digger " from a toy wagon. Attach some small sho^dels to one of the axles so that they may be raised and lowered by me-ans of strings worked by a lever above.) There is a machine that will revolutionize the age. Examine it Here are the shovels which unearth the potatoes. While a jerk of the lever throws the potatoes onto this screen, just beneath the body here. An endless belt carries them, over, sorts them, and puts the small ones in the front box, and the larger ones behind. f, Waal, that is no small potatoes, is It! Agent, To be sure it isn't. That is one of the greatest in- ventions of the nineteenth century. The inventor is a benefactor to his race. T, How does the thing work t Agent, Capitally. It is a grand success. All you hare to dc is to hitch your team to it and a boy can drive and maaAg© it T, It lacks one thing, I calc'late. Agent What is that? THE PATENT RIGHT AGBl^. 59 r. It should have a big pot to boll the potatoes in, and a iteam masher to mash 'em. Agent. (Laughs) Kot a bad joke, Mr. Thompson. Why not have the butter and salt and pepper to season them, too? But really, isn't this the best thing you ever saw ? T, I guess it is, stranger. What do you ask for one ? Agent, We do not sell single machines unless we sell a nght to use them. jT. Well, what in the name of sense, use would the ma- chine be without the right to run it ? Agent Oh, you misunderstand me, I mean the exclusive right for the township. You see with one of these machines you can dig all the potatoes in a county. T> Yes, I see, if a man had time enough. Agent. No trouble about time. Just keep on till you're done. T. {Eesumes hu pa2)e7\) I don^t want it. Agent I will sell you a machine for one hundred dollars, and the right to use it for one hundred more. T, Humph! That is something like paying five cents a pound for beefsteak, and five cents more for th.e privilege of eat ingit AgerU. Not at all, sir. You secure an exclusive right r. (Gruffly.) I don't want it. • Agent But an enterprising farmer like you T. Bosh! The enterprising farmer business is played out; • you can't wheedle me. {Tries to read.) Agent This is an opportunity seldom offered. T. Indeed ! There is an agent around every week with somt such unparalleled offers. {Tries to read.) Agent. Allow me to explain further the great advantages — T, {Oimffly.) Get out and let me alone. Agent Mr, Thompson, my dear sir. T, (Jumping up quickly.) Now, sir, get out or 1*11 break your neck. Agent, Oh, certainly, I will not stay if my presence is dis. agreeable. But I was about to say that an improvement in the digging apparatus is about to be patented, and you will get the benefit T. I'll give you an improvement, you rascal. (Seizes a hoot- jack arid 7nishes at the agent, who grabs his valise and exits.) (Takes paper.) I'm afraid I will do violence yet to some of these agents if they don't keep away. (Meads quietly a moment* — Agent re-enters.) Agent Mr. Thompson, I'll sell you a right and take it in trade. What do you say to that proposition ? T. {Seizing the boot-jack.) I will brain you. (Suddenly poAises,) (Aside.) Stop, I'll take a more terrible revenge, (Aloud.) X aon't mind talking a trade. Why did you not mention thai moaetf 00 THE PATEG^T RIGHT AGEITO. Agmt, (LoAifTis.) Trade is our last resort We take ttM when parties will not give cash. T. 1 will give you Sie two hundred dollars in trade, but mind I must select the kind of trade, arid it must go in at full market rates. Agent Well, I suppose one kind of trade is about as good a^ another at market prices. It must be sound, though. T. Certainly! I keep nothing unsound on my farm. Make out the papers. (Gets pen and ink,) Agent (Fills hlanks.) * This is an exclusive right to use the champion potato digger in Plum township, (Hand^ him paper) This is a contract by which I agree to sell you a machine pay- able in trade of youi selection at market rates. (Gives him th§ paper) T. {Pockets the papers) Is the bargain finished now, stranger? Agent Not quite. You must sign a duplicate of the contract agreeing to deliver me tliat stock. T, It is hardly necessary, Mister. I'U give you that trade now. (Opens his pocket-hook and takes out a paper) Here is a county right to make and sell a patent hog yoke. 1 gave one hundrea dollars tor it That is its market value.' Here is a county right to tan coon skins. That is one hundred dollars. That makes us square. Agent Mr. Thompson, I T\ No backing out, Mister. It is all fair and square. I was to pick the trade and put it in at market rates. Agent Well, you are ahead. I'm done for this time, sttre Good-day, Mr. Thompson. T* Good-day, Come round when you have anything aew. Curtain. THE SOCIETY FOR BUPFEESSION OF GOSSIP. 61 THE SOCIETY FOR THE SUPPRESSION OF GOSSIP. CHARACTERS* Mrs. Hart well. Chairman, Miss Betsey Pkudence, Secretary^ with a squeaky voiu Miss Wise, with glasses. Mrs. Major Warner, with a military dispoBitioTh. Mrs. Starch, I Miss Nutt, Mrs. Filbert, | Mrs. Ripple* All Imsy talking a8 the curtain rises, Mrs, H. {Raps on the table.) The society will please come to order. (All quiet.) Sisters, you all know what we have met for, so let us proceed at once to business. Miss Prudence, is there any unfinished business before the society? Miss F. Mrs. President, I think the business is about all un- finished. All we did at the last meeting was to organize. Mrs. n. To be sure, we all know that But was there not , some particular matter left over ? Miss P. Oh, certainly. This society agreed at the last meetr Ing to call itself the " Society for the Suppression of Gossip,*' and furthermore formerly voted to discuss methods of suppres- §ion the first thing at this meeting. Miss Wi$e, And I think we had better begin at once. What is the use of delay,^ when we agreed to take that up the first thing ? Mrs. Starch, (With $how of dignity,) Miss Wise, you forget that certain formalities must always be gone through with in parliamentary bodies. Miss W. Indeed! This is a parliamentary body is it? Well, I should not have known it if you hadn't told me. I'm not in favor of making a body of any kind out of this society^ and wast- ing the time in reading minutes and voting and discussion. That it what the men do. Mrs, 8. I don't care a hair-pin what the men do, but I want things done properly. Mrs, Filbert, And so do I. Bat what is the sense of so.mizeb ceremony! Mi$$ ifutL That is just what I want to koow. 62 THE SOCIETY FOR SUPPRESSION OF G()88IF. m Mrs, Major Warner, It is fitting that our society should do everything with due deliberation, and keep a proper record. The eyes of the world are on us. Miss W, If we don't do less talking, the ears of the world will be on us. Mrs. Maj. Who is talking, I should like to know? For my part the voice of Mrs. Major'Warner shall always be for deliher- at ion. Miss W. Deliberation! That is just what the men do. They meet and deliberate. And what does it all amount-to? Mrs. Ripple. Mrs. Chairman, call this house to order. Here we have been talking for half an hour about nothing. I am in a great hurry to get home. Why can't we begin? Mrs. R. (Raps.) Order! The next thing before the house is to suggest the best methods for the prevention and suppression of gossip. Mrs. Maj. Is this discussion to be carried on in a dignified manner and proper record made in the journal, or is it to be an undignified jumble of remarks?" Mrs. S. I think the lady's language reflects. Mrs. Maj. {SnappisJily.) On whom ? Mrs. II. What is the pleasure of the society? Miss W. My pleasure is that we don't want any discussion. Discussion is what the men like, and I don't want to be like a horrid man. Mrs. Maj. Miss Wise, if you had married a hoiTid man long ago, you might have a different opinion of them. Miss W. ^Oh. I dare say it wouldn't improve my opinion of them. Mrs. Starch. For my part I have never regretted that I be- came Mrs. Starch. Mrs. Maj. Nor do I regret that I became Mrs. Mai or Warner. Men are not so bad after all, if you know how to manage them. I never feared matrimony. Miss TT. Nor would I, but men aren't worth the managing. I have a higher mission than to manage an insignificant man. Mrs. Filbert. {Asid€.) Good reason! You can't get a man to manage. Miss Nutt. Mrs. President, if we are not going to talk about anything but matrimony, how are we going to suppress gossip! Miss P. We are wasting our valuable time. If we have a mission, we had better begin; if we have not, we had better go home, Mrs. R. So say L Miss N. And I. Mrs.F, AndL Mrs. H. I suppose the members of the society all have their views upon the subject of the suppression of gossip, and are T^i^Aj to itate them. THl!i SOCIETY FOR SUPPRESSION OP GOSSIP. 63 Miss W> I have mine, and am prepared to state tliem to \ht point. Mrs. Maj. {With dignity,) I have mine, and am prepared to state them ' becomingly. Miss. W. {Aside) And tediously. Mrs. H. I shall by virtue of my position, state my views first Miss P, {Aside to another.) It "would 'a looked better if she had called on somebody t-lse first. Mrs. H. I think the best way to st< , people stop talking about one another. Wnt^ uja^ is F. Please do. Mrs. Maj. As I said, I would have a pled^ drawn up in du« form — Miss P. Oh, Mrs. Ripple, do not keep us in suspense. Mrs. E* Well, you all know that Mr. Henry Deilmont over- heard — Mrs. Maj. (Mushing up.) What was that about Mr. Deil- mont? (All ru^ up (ground Mrs. E. erying, ^^Qoon^ go «»/•* OurUtinfalk.) A LAWSUIT. 63 A LAWSUIT. fUUTS TEBSUS STiJK& CHARACTEES. Sqttihe Block, Justics of ths Peacs^ Kr&' Slack, oicner of tTu apple pomace^ ** Old Billy Evans,'* owner of tht cow. Bpoutkr, aiiarney for defendant* Flight, attormv for plaintiff* Tim Hufp, ] Mrs= Snack, >mt7U%M$* Batjjs Eyaks, ) Squire. {Court sitting) We are now ready to takve tip the case of Slack versv4 Evang, Plaintifi, Mrs. Slack, are yoo present? - Mrs. 8, I am. 8quir$, Defendant, Williani Evans, are you present? Evans. I am, Squire Block. Squire. Now, Mrs, Evans, will you state to the court the ex- act nature of the damage you have sustained from trespass of defendant's cow, and your reasons for fixing the sum at twenty dollars? Mrs. 8, Square Block, you know I'm a ^eat hand for ^ood cider vinegar. Cider vinegar is desprit nice on spring greens and early York cabbages. Speakin' of cabbages reminds me that the worms are just swarmin' on the cabbages. The first ones I saw was a week ago come Sunday. Now, if there's one there's a million, and — — Squire, Mrs, Slack, I'm afraid you are not exactly getting at the case. Mrs. 8. Oh, yes, I am, Squire. I'll get to the case in a min- nit. But the cowcumbers are growing mighty nic^ They are aa green ai grass, and just as full of blossoms aa 66 A LAWSUIT. Squire. Mrs. Slack, before you go any further I must ask you what cabbages and cucumbers have to do with this case. Do you not claim that Mr. Evans' cow broke into your premises and ate up a barrel of apple pomace? Mrs. 8, That is what I claim to a «, and old Billy Evans don't deny it, either. Evans. I don't deny she ate the pomace, but I claim that the cow Squire, That will do. This will all appear in the trial. Now, Mrs. Slack, tell me at once what those cucumbers have to do with the apple pomace. Mrs. Slack, Squire, that is just what I was doing as fast as I could — a body can't tell everything at onc't Now, everybody knows that I make the best pickles in this neighborhood. Mrs. Smith thinks she can make pickles, but she can't touch mine within a mile Squire. (Impatiently.) Do get to the case. Mrs. 8, Well, now I've got to the case. You can't make good pickles without home-made cider vinegar. I wouldn't give a straw for store vinegar. It's nothing but rain water and shav- ings, and so weak it can't get out of a small auger hole. So the case is that all my nice cowcumbers will go to spoil because old Billy Evans' cow knocked a board off my fence and eat up the pomace that was soakin' to make vinegar. Evans, The cow didn't knock off a board. I claim the board . was off. Spouter, And we will prove it, too. Besides, I file objections to paying for those cucumbers. They have nothing to do with the case. You might as well put in a claim for the cabbages, too, for if the worms had not destroyed them they would ' have required vinegar, too. Flight Mr. Spouter, it would be no hard matter to collect pay for the cabbages, too. The cow broke into that garden with felonious intentions, and if the cabbages had been fit to eat she would have eaten them, too. However, for the present I will not advance that claim, holding it in reserve. {Pompously.) But we will claim damages on the cucumbers, and what's more, we will get them. Spouter, Flight, don't bring your bullying airs into this court I'm too old a lawyer to be frightened by a pettifogger. Flight. And I'm too much of a lawyer to b® insulted by such low remarks. It takes a gentleman to insult me. Spouter, We'll make you sick of this case. Squire, Order, gentlemen! You must preserve order in this court. Defendant, state your case^ Evans. My case, Square, is jest this. I guess my old cow did eat up Mrs. Slack's apple pummies that was sot for vinegar. But how did ahe get them pummies ? The fence was down, that's A LAWSUIT, 67 how she got fnto that lot She never broke In. That *ere old cow is as innocent as a meriner lamb. Besides, she eat them pummies, and it nigh onto killed her. She has been porely ever since. Square, the damage to that cow's constitution is twenty- five dollars. That sour stuflf ruined her appetite. She hasn't been well since. Now, old Billy Evans ain't goin' to pay other people for ruininVhis best cow, not if he knows himself. Squire. Mr. Flight, call your witnesses. First I'll swear them, though. (Repeats rapidly) Hold up your right hands. You do all solemnly swear to tell the whole truth, all the truth, and m)tbing but the truth, in the cow and pomace case now pendU ing. {Witnesses nod.) Flight. Tim lialfl {Euff appears,) Mr. Huff, is your name Hufl? H, Yes, sir. Flight. Is it Tim Huff? H. Yes. Flight. What does Tim stand fori R. I really don't remember. Flight. Timmons, perhaps, or Timberlake ? E. Yes, probably. Flight. But I must know! E. Then find out. I never could. Flight. Perhaps Tim is all of it? E. It is all I ever heard. Flight. Weil, Mr. Huff, state what you know about this case. E, All I know is that old Billy Evans* cow ate up Mrs. Slack's vinegar pummies. FligJit. \ ou are sure of that ? E. 1 gu^ess I be. Flight. That will do. Spouter. {Pompously.) Stop, if you please, sir. Ydu saj your name is Hun ? E. Yes, sir, S. Tim Huff. E. Yes, sir. 8. How do you know It is Tim Huff! E. How do I know it? S. Yes, sir, how do you know it? E, Well, I hadn't thought of that. S. I dare say, sir, Do you ever think at all? E. Yes, sir, I am thinking now. S. What are you thinking about? Such ^a remarkable fS&cl deserves notice. You don't even know whether you name is Timmons or Timberlake, or Tympanum. Now, sir, what were you thinking about? E, Squire, must I answer that question! Squirt. You had better do so, I think A LA¥/SUIT, H H. Well, I was just thinking what fools yon two la^ were to think of every name but Timothy, But then it isn't a common name, and I 'low you haven't seen a Bible lately, so.^ p*raps you are excusable. {All laugh.) JHi Squire, {Severely) Order! ^H 8poute/r, {Angrily.) Now, sir, how do you know that old Billy Evans' cow feloniously devoured Mrs. Slack's pomace? H, Mrs. Slack told me so. 8. Indeed! E. And Mrs. Snack told me sa. 8, Indeed! H, And old Billy Evans told me so, too. 8. A remarkable witness. Is that all yon knowt H. No, sir I . I saw her eat them. 8. {Of elided.) Why didnt you say so at first ? That is quite^ enough, sir, quite enough. Flight. Mrs. Snack. (Witness comes forwa/rd to chair,) Mrs. Snack, what do you know about this case ? Mrs. 8. I was over at Mrs. Slack's taking tea last Tuesday afternoon. We were eating and talking — I had just passed up my cup for the fourth time — I seldom^ take more than four cups, and then only with warm biscuit and honey-^when v/e heard the dreadfulest racket and doin's in the garden lot that you ever heard of. I said, says I, oh I my, and, says she— well, I'll not say just what she did say. She went to the window and looked out, and she said, says she, ''That old cow of Ev^ms' has eaten up all my pomace and knocked the barrel to pieces. If I was a man V^ shoot her dead as a mackerel." Then we talked more'n Rn hour about it. Must I tell ail w^e said ? Flight. {Hastily) No, it is not necessary! Mr. Spouter, you naay take the witness. Spouter. I don't want her. Now, I will call our witness and get at some facts, Sallie Evans, {Witness comes forward and is seated) Miss Evans, what were the effects upon that cow of eat- ing that pomace ? Miss E. They made her nervous like. 8. Restless, eh? Miss E. Yes! It seemed to affect her health. She didn't really seem like the same cow. 8. What symptoms did she exhibit! Miss E. Well, you see her back was all scratched where she hurt herself on the fence. 8. {Hastily) Oh, I didn't mean that Stick to the effects of the pomace. Miss E. She didn't give much milk, and that vinegar stuff seemed to have ruined her temper. She used to have such a sweet temper even in fly time. I don't believe she will evea: be the sama cow again. A LAWSUIT 69 8* Of course not— a fine cow mined, Squire. Notice that Flight, Miss Evans, how do you know your father's cow is ruined ? Miss E. Because I see she is ruined, and everybody knows pickles and sour stuff isn't good for cows. Flight I confess I never saw a diet of pickles tried on a cow. Miss E. {Shortly.) What do lawyers "know about cows, or milking, or the effects of pomace ? Flight. That will do, Miss Evans. JSTow, Mr. Squire, if it please your Honor, I will proceed to sum up our case. We have proved beyond a doubt that a cow seized and possessed by old Billy Evans did feloniously, maliciously, and with malice pre- pense, upset, waste, trample on, destroy, devour, goree, guzzle, jeopardize, and otherwise set at naught a barrel of apple pomace, seized and possessed by Mrs. Slack, and set to make cider vin- egar. {Mrs,8nacky Aside. '^ Laws a* me?'') It was a clear case of wanton,wiilful, premeditated, unmitigated, deliberate and appall- ing villainy on the part of the cow, without a single extenuat ing circumstance. Mrs. Snack, Good gracious ! how dreadful I Flight. {Grows eloquent.) You cannot plead hunger a^ a motive, for the beast had just left the abundant pasturage of thepublic com- mon to trespass upon and destroy the property of my client. She is a widow— I mean my client, your Honor, not the cow. This is not a common case. It has no parallel in the annals of crime. Must the widow and the orphan suffer that men like the defendant there may allow cows of doubtful character to roam abroad ? I think not. Imagine the helpless, hopeless condition of despair into which my client is suddenly plunged. Her cucumbers must rot because there is no cider vinegar to make pickles. I see in mv mind's eye the bereaved widow and prattling orphans — {Wipes his eyes.) The court will excuse my weakness-— I see them sitting down to their frugal meal. No pungent pickles are on the table to whet the dull cold edge of appetite, and give zest to what is otherwise flat, stale, and unprofitable. The meal is sadly put away untasted, and the family suffer the dreadful pangs of hunger. No such vinegar as that destroyed can be ob- tained. That was made of Rambo apples, and Rambo apples are ao more in the widow's OTchard. (Wipes Ms eyes.) But I can pursue this harrowing subject no further. We must havejudg- ineut, and 1 will merely repeat our bill of claims. Firsts the ^aliie of jhe pomace we place at ten dollars. (It was worth doable that.) The barrel was worth three dollars, the broken fence was damaged to the extent of two dollars. The cow in her hasty flight from the premises upset an ash hopper. Damage Sve dollars, making a total of twenty dollars, which your Honor should adjudge on defendant. {Seats himself,) . SpotUer. Your Honor, I have little to say. Our case needs im fO A LAWSUIT. bolstering nor the aid of oily sophistry. (Grows very eloquent.) It rests on the bed rock of eteraal justice, which is as eternal as the stars. We're not afraid of justice. Flight Yea ought to be. Squire. Order, gentlemen. 8. I say we are not afraid of justice. My opponent judges my feelings by his own. A man who has been hiding from the constable oughtn't to talk about justice. F. (Jumps up.) You villain, what do you mean ? (Attempts to hurl an inkstand at S.., but the Squire catches his arm.) Squire. Gentlemen, I tell you I will have order if I have to fine you both. S. (Eloquently.) As I said, justice is bound to soar on high. She will sail aloft into the altitudinous depths of ethereal ex- pause, and seat herself majestically among the other virtues form- ing one of the brilliant galaxy of transcendental and incontrovert- ible benignities. Mrs. Snack. (Aloud,) Did you ever I S> She will soar — (Here 8. makes a grand gesture^ tut tTiS Squire cuts him short.) Squire. Mr. Spouter, stop right there. I don't understand Latin, nor anything but a little English. You have an offset. What is it? Spouter, (Meekly.) We claim that that cow got into the lot because the fence was down, and that her health was damaged to the extent of twenty- tive dollars, leaving a balance in our favor of five dollars, for which your Honor will please render judg- ment. (Very eloquently.) Why that cow never has been the same ever since ; her milk actually was sour like vinegar for sev- eral days. She actually Squire. That will do. The offset was all I wanted. I caP- clate I've about sifted this 'ere case. Mr. Evans, you m'l^et ^jay twenty-five cents for that pomace. I'll sell it for that V the hogshead. Each party must pay his own costs. I thin^J^ Uuw'a about square. Flight, Squire Block, I protest against this decision. Squire, It's no use. (Court u adjourned, Cwrtain,) THE LOST OPFORTUNiTIEa THE LOST OPPORTUNITIES. CHARACTERS. Amy Morton. LOTTISB ArLIITGTON, Kelue Horton, ' M-Ajay Wright, Mrs. Denver, a rich ladf^ Miss Spinner. " Bobbie," a poor litUe girl. SCENE I. A puhUe prommadSy Mrs. Denver seated. The girls urumare oj her presence are talking about an approaching .examinatiorij ck which the lucky candidate is to receive as a prize a valuable $ckol a/rship in an educatioruil institution, Nellie, Girls, are you ready for the examination? It begins at ten o'clock. Ixmise. I shall enter the examination only because Miss Spin ner wishes me too. My father is able to pay my way at school I care nothing for scholarships. Amy. I do care for them. Miss Spinner says she knows whc will gain the prine. It will be such an honor to go to Rockwefi Seminary as the scholar who stood highest among thirty or forQp Nellie. It will be an honor. Louise. Amy, may be you will not win the prize. Amy. Oh, but I must, Louise. Miss Spinner ought to know Hasn't she been our teacher for two years? She hinted to me 1 would be the lucky one. Mary, Perhaps each one of the other girls has the same ex pectations. Of course Miss Spinner should encourage all of vub But she canH tell who is likely to win. Amy, ( With a sneer.) I know some who will not win. Mary, For my part I do not expect to pass the examination I am aware that I am not one of the best in the class. Amy. (Aside to Louise.) She has learned her place at last . {Aloud.) Mary, 'I didn't suppose that you thought you could pass that examination. Who do you think will get the prize ? Mary. I think Nellie Horton is one of the smartest scholarK In the clasa. She deserves to get it She needs it, toa T2 THE LOST OPPORTUNITIES. Louise. Yes, she needs it badly enon^li. But what is the use of poor people trying to rise so high above their station? Amy. Not a bit of use. But do you know that Itlrs. Denver, the lady who gives the scholarship, is very rich ? They say that the girl who stands highest in the examination will be heir'to all her property. Louise, That would be nice enough. But I think she is an old goose to go around examining girls. Why doesn't she pick out some nice stylish girl without worrying her with arithmetic and geography and spelling. {Nellie^ who has been sauntering ir, deep thought^ now returns.) Amy. That is just what I say. It is a regular nuisance. But then, these old humbugs who have plenty of money pmd no heirs, &re a curious set. You have to put up with their whims. Nellie. Amy, I think she must be a real nice old lady, or she would never offer such a splendid chance to any girl who is will- ing to try for it, Mary," How kind to give them a chance who have no means to educate themselves. Nellie, I wish I knew her so I could thank her for it. .Amy. Nellie Horton, I think you need not waste much time in thanking her for what you are not very likely to get- I think the teacher as good as knows already who will get the prize. Nellie. If you mean that Miss Spinner is going to be partial or unfair, you are mistaken. Bhe v/ill award the prize to who- ever wins it. Amy, That does not prevent her knowing beforehand who is very likely to pass best {Enter^ ^^ Bohhie^^ bouncing a hall on the ground.) Oh there's Bobbie, the little Tomboy. Bobbie. I'm not a Tomboy. You used to play with ball when you were little. Amy. Don't say that, you little brat I never did. Bobbie. Oh, you have! All girls do. Amy. Will you dare to contradict me? Pll box your ears for you. (StHkes at Bobbie, but she evades Amy) That is a beauti- ful costume you have. You would be a prize for the rag man. Mary. Amy, is it a disgrace to be poor? Amy. Well, it's next thing to it. Don't you say so Louise? Louise, Indeed, it is a disgrace. Ma always said so. I wouldn't talk to that vulgar little thing. See how dirty she is, and barefooted, too. Pah ! (" Bobbie " bounces her ball and it strikes Louise's dress.) She has spoiled my new dress with her muddy ball. Amy. You little wretch, I'll teach you to soil other people's clothes. {Seizes the ball and throws it away,) Bobbie, Oh, please don't, Miss Morton. I'm so sorry. (Bun^ off side to get the ball comes back crying.) It went into the wat^ and I can't get it " Nellie. That h too bad ! THE LOST OPPORTUNITIEa 7^ AMy, Let her behave herself then, Mary. Bobbie, I'll give you another ball to-morrow. Don't fs^-j. I have a good one at home. NelUt. Girls, it is only one hour till we must be in our seats. {Exeunt all the gtHs followed by Bohhie)^ 'Mrs. Denver. (Rises and coTties forward.) Truly, this is a good opportunity to study human nature. I am very glad I took a walk this morning. These are the girls who seek to avail them- selves of my offer, I must know more of them. One of them is very sure of winning. I will try them farther. In an hour they pass here on their way to the academy building, I will try a little stratagem. Scene II. Same place as before, Mrs. Denver disguised as an apple woman. Enter troup of girls, Mrs. D. Young ladies, I have some choice fruit. Please buy of me and help a poor woman. Nellie. What beautiful apples I I have no money to spare ma'am, or I would buy some. Mary. Nellie, you must have a good lunch to-day, I will get some apples to eat with our sandwiches. (Buys some apples.) Mrs. D. And where be' all you girls a goin', if I may enquire? Nellie, There is an examination at the academy, and we are all going to compete for the prize. (Amy and Louise come up wrm in arm.) Mrs. D. What is the prize you speak of! I warrant it*s some- thing nice. Nellie. The prize is a scholarship. Mrs. D, What in the world is a scholarship t Amy. An old lady is going to send one of us young ladies to school five years free. Won't it be nice ? I think she is an old ninny for doing it Mn, D. Five years I Why, it must cost a heap. Ladies, will you buy some apples? Louise. Not to-day. Who cafes for apples ? Amy. Especially at a cent apiece. Old lady, if you expect to sell apples, yoo must not ask such a high price. It is nearly as bad as cheating. {Exeunt girls.) Mrs. D. I wonder if that rich old lady isnH a ninny I We shall see. Scene m.-SchooWooin in the Academy. The examination is over. Girls seated. PreseiU^ Miss Spinner, the teacher, and Mrs. Denver, Miss S. Mrs. Denver, the examination is now completed. You have heard a part of it. I have written the names of the young ladies in the order of their proficiency in the work assigneo U THE LOST OPPORTUinTIES. Mrs* D. i also have a list of the names in the order which 1 think is a proper one. If you will pieaae read yours, I will coiDp pare it with mine and decide. Miss 8. The first name on my list is Miss Amy Morton. This is no surprise to me, for Miss Morton has always stood very high in her studies. She is an excellent pupil^ who will always excel in whatever she undertakes. Amp. {Asid4 to Louise.) i knew I would get it Mi88 8, The next name on the list is that of Miss Nellie Hor- ton. She is also" an excellent student, and a very good girL She has done her best, and can not feel that her failure is due to any fault of hers, I shall not read the entire list It is open lor in- spection. Mrs, D. As far as book knowledge is concerned, you are cor- rect in your judgment. Miss Spinner. I find that Miss Amy stands first, and Miss Nellie, second. But I reserved the privilege of conducting an examination in social etiquette, home duties and morals. I conducted that examination this morning on the pub- lie promenade while the young ladies were unconscious of my purpose, or presence. From that examination I find that Miss Morton ranks lowest of all the candidates. She has yet to learn that genius, however flattered and petted, can never achieve true success without sound moral principle. The young lady who will say things of the absent which she would blush to say in their presence, who will lightly insult old age and ill-treat the helpless, certainly lacks sound moral principles. My young friend, these things may be done thoughtlessly, but they will nev- ertheless destroy character. I am pleased to ajudge the prize to Miss Nellis Horton, one who is in «very way worthy of It (Gurtain,) 4N ^FRIL FOOL AN APRIL FOOL CHAEACTSES. Ida, Ago IB, Dora, Fraxx, Dai^izl. Enter Daniii mih a lunch basket in hts Tiand. Daniel, As soon as I get a tin cup of water from the spring, I shall be ready for Innch. I'm dreadful hungry to-day. I hops the other boys will not come this way to play till I have finished my dinner. {8eU down his basket and starts for uater. Enter ira other hoys and girls from an opposite direction.) Frank. Now, we shall find out what Dan is up to. He need not think he can sneak off from us every day. Ida. I guess he has good things to eat, and is afraid some of us will ask him for some. Aggie. I don't believe he has anything good to eat Harry. If he did he wouldn't slip off to eat it. I'm not afraid to show my dinner. Frank, Nor I. He is ashamed of it Eunice* I am real sorry for him. I know his mother is very poor. Frank, What is the use of his bringing his dinner in a big basket then as if he had a bushel to eat? Bdle, I wouldn't give a cent for a dinner mussed up in your pocket Frarik. Humph I Well, you needn't But where did he go so soon? Aggie, There is his basket Harry. That is so. He is not far off. Look out Frank I may be he is only going to play April fool on us. Eunice, 1 wish he would, Frank, Just let us know if he does. Say, girls, I'm going to And out what he has to eat. BeUe. I think it's none of our business what he eats, Aggie, Pshaw! What is the difference? Belle, How would you like to have somebody rummage youi basket to know what you have to eat ? 73 AM AFBlh FOOL, AggU. I don't hide myself to eat my dinner. Yon can all see aae eat my dinner. Harry, L€;t's see yon eat then. Eat, pretty creature, eat! Aggie. Do ©top, you mean thing I Frank. (Puts dawn his own basket) I'll soon reveal the mys- l^ ^y. (Opens BanieVs basket.) Well) if this isn't the richest thing yet Just look here girls! How is that Harry ? (UnrolU froraa riapkin a cold boiled potato. All set down their baskets and crowd a/round) Cold potato ! That is too rich a diet for a sta dent (All laugh) No wonder Dan stands around the stove sc much. He is thawing up the cold potato, yftidX i^ this? Well I declare, cold buckwheat flapjacks! {All la^ugh again) Earry. Better put them away into ^q basket Daniel will be back pretty soon. Frank. What do I care! I am not afraid of him. Eunice, You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Frank, {Laughs) You blush for me, Eunice, That will do as well. Look here 1 We'll play an April fool on him. I'll tell you just the thing. Harry, you mind these baskets. Don't let Dan have his if he comes. Tell him you sent it to tjie school-house or something. I will run over to Mr. Drew's and get their big cat. He is always under the stove, and it w^on't take a minute to pat him in here and tis dovm the lid. I'll be back soon. {Mutls ut) Belle, Girls, that is too bad! D'r>Ta. ( Wlw iio^ just covie in,) It was too bad your running off and leaving me. But what are you going to do? Harry, Going to play an April fool on Dan. Frank has gone for a cat to put into his dinner basket Dora, Won't that be fun ! Aggie, What will he say when he finds a cat for his dinner? ' Eunice, You shan't do it It isn't right If the poor fellow hasn't much to eat, he can't help it. It would be a better joke to fill his basket with something good ! Belle, That's so. I will give part of my dinner. Dora, So will I. Ida. So will I. It will be a better joke than to put that hate ful old cat in there to spoil what he has. Harry. See here, girls! We will put some dinner into Dan*s basket and then put Frank's basket here in place of it They look just alike, so we shall get the- April fool on Frank. Aggie, Wouldn't it be-fun to play the joke on Frank. Harry, {Takes up DanieVu basket) Here girls, put in ftome- ihing, fill it up. Eunice Here are some sandwiches I DotOh There is a piece of pie! Ida. I'll give him my apples, I donH care for thenu Aggi4. I wonder if he likes boiled eggs! I'll gire him mine. AN APRIL FOOL. f? ffarrp, I bet he does, if he hasii*t forgot how they taate. B^Me. Here is all of my cake, he is welcome to it Ba/rry, Why, girls, you have put in so much nice stuff I am _ most ashamed of mine. I haven't anything but bread and butter and meat. I guess this will satisfy an appetite, though. (ffol A eSBKAB* SCENE I. BehooUroom^ teacher and pupili. Teaeh&r. Marv, what does prosody treat of? Ma/ry, Prosody treats of poetry and the different Mnds oJ verse, TeaclieT^ Very good ! John, name some of the different kind* of poetry, John, Didactic, lyric and epic. Teacher^ Susan, what is meant by feet in poetry? Susan. A foot is one of the parts into which a rerse may be divided. Teacher, Give an example. Susan, Maud Muller oc a summer's day Raked the meadow sweet with hay. Teacher, That is an example of poetry^ out I wished yoo to give an example of feet S.iisan, I don*t believe I can. Teacher. Can you give an illustration, George? Oeo^-ge, No, sir 1 Tea-ch&F^ Can any one ? {A pa/tiseJ) What were we to learn feo^ay? Mary, We were to review kinds of poetry, and learn to scan. Teacher. Tliat^s it We were to learn to scan. If I were to separate a verse of poetry into the feet which compose it, wh&t would I do, class ? Cla^s, You would «ca» it Teachm'. Now, Susan, please scan the lines you gave as an ezampla Susan, Maud Mul-ler on~a sum-mer's day, Raked~the mead-ow sweet-with hay. Teacher, Mary, what kind of feet are those ? Mmrg* lamMe. The second syllable is acceated. SOAJTOINAVIA. 81 Teacher, George, please scan the same lines. (George repeais the linee,) John you may scan the lines assigned you. " I feel like one who treads alone, Some banquet hall deserted." John, ' I feel-like one-who treads-alone, , Some ban-quet hall-desert-ed. (Stops suddenly at the last 9f liable.) I don*t know what to do with the tedy. Te«. May be you yourself are the knave. Williams, (Very angry.) Isikna/vel Oh, this is too much! A ILnave, (Follows Smith out. Curtain.) Scene IV. An American and a German. They meet Am, Hello, Dutchy I Where are you going? Ger. Yal Am. Taf G&r. Ya! Am. What are you go^g to do when yon get there f Ger, Yal Am. What is your name! G&r, Yal (Grins.) Am. Yaf Ger. Ya! I speaks none English. Am. Oh, you speaks none English! Ger, (Nods and grins) Ya! Am. Well, yaw away. Ger, Nein\ (Pronounced nine.) Yaf Nein English! (^rtJM.) Am, Are you an Italian ? Ger. Ya! Am. Are you a Bohemian? G&r, Ya! Sprecks nein English ! Am. I begin to suspect your English \% nine English, Are you a Dutchman ? G&r, (Nods.) Yal Am. Are you a Swede ? G^, (Grtns.) Ya! Ich bin, Ich Wnl Yal Am. Are you a Scandinavian? Gtr, Ya! Am. See here old chap, if you don't stop pawing ytm wHl get your mouth open bo wide that somebody will take it for a coal ihafl (Exeunt, Ourtain,) C^RATEFUL. 83 GRATEFUL 4 CHABABH I3f TffSKE SCmTES, OlfTH SCEKB FOB ItAOH STLLABLl sczys I. ^ ftx?^ gratiTig nutmegt. Enter Mutress, Mistress, Pattie, have you put the pies to bake! Fattie, Yes'in. They're baking nicely. Mistress. What are you doing now? Pattie. Grating nutmeg for the pudding. Mistress, Pattie, you are doing that awkwardly. Let me shoyf you how. (Takes the grater.) Hold the grater up this way and then you can Bprinkle the nutmeg evenly. Now try it You must leam to grate. Pattie, (Takes the grater.) I think I ought to know how to grate properly. My last missus kept me grating horseradish half the time. Laws a' me if they didn't eat horseradish enough to set a wood-pile afire. It was nothing but grate^ graU^ grate^ till my arms fairly ached. ^Mistress. That may be, Pattie. Still, I see you hare not learned to use the grater properly, Pattie, This is exactly the way yon did it, Missus. Mistress, Yes, that will do very well, Pattie, But get your pudding into the stove as soon as possible. It is almost dinner time. (ExeurU at side with the pudding. Curtain.) BcENB IL A drunken man and some hoys, Johr^ Henry ^ (md Ike, The m/in staggers across the stage followed by the bo^s, John. Say, old fellow, what is the matter ? Man, *S nothing matter. I'm tired 'a can be Henry, Sit down, then, and take a rest Man, Looky here, boys, can't y'elp a feller «l'owa an' tem Ik6, You're sick, aren^ you ? Man, No, I'm not sick. Bovs. c^w* bert (Miof^^en*) I want to tell you aometlun'— -teH somet^i* ' 84 aRATJEFUL. Jofm, Toners pretty/^t^ Man. Vm no fool, i tell ye. Bee here! Boys, I'm goin* to ran for C!oagres». Henry. You are XoofuU to run. MaTi. W&nt you fellers all to vote for me while I*m numin*. John. Where did you get your .whisky? I say, you're /uZ^ old chap. Man. FuU! What's that! Wish I was full. (Boys all kmgh. They go ovi and he staggers after*) SoKKB III. A poor old woman seated on a box begging. People pass and refuse alms. - Begga/r. {To a young man pauing.) Please, sir, will you help a poor old woman ? Young man. No t Botheration ! I have no time to waste on beggars. Beggar. (To young lady.) Please, Miss, help a poor old woman. I am unable to work. Only a penny will help me! (Young lady passes on saying nothing.) Beggar. I shall starve yet, I fear ! Oh, what a cold, heartless world this is. One who has never known want cannot realize its hoUoTJ^ess. I once little thought I should come to this. (Ent^r a lady.) Lady. What is the matter, good woman ? Begga/r. I am starving and unable to work. I have appealed in vai^ for help — nobody believes my story. Lady. Tell me your troubles. Begga/r. I am alone without friends, and very poor. This summer I have been unable to work, and now I have nothing to eat, and no fuel. Ixidy. You have seen prosperity, I know. Begga/r. Once I was voung, beautiful, and admired. (Bitterly.) Then I had friends. Husband, children, and fortune have all gone. Lddy. Poor old woman! Your condition is sad, indeed. Here is some money. (Hands Tier a bill.) Begga/r. Bless you, madam 1 I thank you a thousand times. (Bows lowly.) I shall never forget your kindness. Lady. It is a small matter. I have only done my duty. (Aside.) She seems very gratrful. Beggar. I cannot tell you how grateful I am. You are so good and kind to a poor, helpless old woman. Thank you, madam. (Bxit ladp. Ourtain^) iGmTILLiLT& 85 SCINTILLATR CHAKADS IK F0T7B SC:m3!?ES; OKS SCS273 FOB SAOR flTLLABXJI, ASD ONE FOB THE EKTIBB WOBD, SCENE L Two hoyt eating jam from aja/r, Dick. Bill, this jam is tip-top, isn*t it! Bill You're right, it is, ^ Dick. I had to look pretty sharp to get it. Mother keeps ths cupboard door locked and carries the key in her pocket Bill How did yon get the key? Dick. She changed dresses when she went over to Mra. Drake's to tea, and left the key at home. Bill Dick, do vou think it is right to steal Jam? Dick. Why, I clon't steal it It belongs to mother. Bill My mother says it is a $in, Dick, Oh, I guess it is a nin, but that's all. A sin isn't much. Bill Mother says we'll have to pay for every sin we do. Dick. Well, aren't we going to pay for it, Bill ! It makes me lick as can be every time 1 eat it Oh! I hear the gate opening! I must put this away befor« mother ^ets back. Bill Dick, if jrour mothtsr finds it out don't you deny it, for that would be lying, and lying is a n^ too. Dick, Pshaw! Ali you can talk about is «r». (ExeuM. Curtain.) ' Scene II. A &naU shop, fruity eonfectionery, etc. A table for a c&iinter. Adra/^joer in the table ierves for the m/msy till Shop- keep^ reading tlie paper, B<^ behind the counter. Enter m cueto-mer, Ouetomer. How do you sell your apples! Boy. Three for five! Cuetomer^ Have you any maple sugar ? Shopkeeper, (Locking up.) A splendid arUcle. Eight from SCTNTILLATB. man iK)me of that maple sngar ? Be lively. {Bop produce$ eatn 0/ sugar.) Customer. What is the price of this sugar ! 8hopkeep0r. Fifteen cents per pound, and you hare the gean^ Ine article. Customer, I will take two pounds. SJwpkeeper, John, wrap up two pounds of sugar. Boy» Yes, sir. {Puts up the tuga/r) Customer. Can you change a five ? Boy. {To shopkeeper.) rlease let me have change for this bill. Shopkeeper, Look in the till. I put plenty of change there this morning. When you want change always go to the till for it. If you donH keep any money in it, what is the use of having a till. {Opens the drawer^ Here, put your one^s in this apartment vour two's in this, and the change in- its proper place. You must learn what a till is for, {Curtain.) ScEJOG IIL A young lady and Tier lover, A late hour of the night, Lucy, {Yawns), What did you say, George ? George, I said I didn't enjoy the ball. Lucy. Oh, it was stupid. Let's not say anything more about it, George. {Yawns) It was a trifle stupid. Lucy. {Sleepily) I am glad the season for parties is about over. Georgs. {Who has been Tialf asleep^ starts) 1 beg pardon, Lucy 1 What did you say ? Lucy. {Laughs) Aha I you were almost asleep, George. George. Oh, no, I wasn't. (Yawns) I was only thinking. {Looks at his watch) Why it is nearly twelve. It is getting lots. Lucy. Twelve is not late. George. Miss Lucy, I must say, notwithstanding your opinion, that twelve is getting late. Lucy. I say it is not getting late at twelve. George, Very well, I will say then that it t* late at twelve. Lucy. George, I should say it was getting early, George. Why, how do you make that out ? Lucy. You see it is getting toward onCy and one Is considered early in the morning. G'eorge. Ah I 80 it is. I shall go before it is early. Gk>od night! {Exit Curtain) ScKOi lY. Fowr boys playing cards — very late howr, Tom. Boys, Vye had enough '^of euchre, I move we quit Jame$. Wo, we must play the rubber. fVM. Jtanes, do you know how late it iflf SCINTILLATB. 87 Janne%, No ! Do yon ? WiiL I think the town clock struck eleven last time. We've played three or four games since then. Tom. We had better quit now. Jam6», Pshaw I You are afraid, Tom. To'm, No, I'm not afraid I It isn't any use to be afraid now. Tou know all four of us will catch a thrashing if your father and mine find this out James, Your conscience smites you, does it ? Tom, I can't say but that it does. Father and mother say it is wrong to play cards at all, and when we slip into your room through the window and play when your father and mother do not know it, I guess it is wrong. Fred. That is what I say. Ja/mes,^ Fred, stop right offl If yon tell, and we get a whip. ping, you'will get another one. Mind that Fred, Who said I was going to tell ? Will. I don't see much harm in cards, Tom. Tom. I don't, either, but then our parents have forbidden it, and that makes it wrong, maybe. I don't know, but I think it is a sin. James. Oh, of course it is a dreadful sin. {Laughs.) Tom. Anyway it is very late, and I am going home. Hark I There, the clock is striking twelve, (Sound of dock in th€ distance.) Jam^. Well, Tom, if we are sinners we iin early tmd late, especially late. {Ijmght, Exeunt tUL) INTENSITf INTENSITY. A, Then come along. Take this gentleraan*s horse and put him in the stable. What do you wish him to have, sir ? Traveler. A peck of good clean oats. Rub him down well. Mind my horse must have as good care as I receive. JoJm. Aye sir ! I will attend to it Traveler. Now landlord, please order my supper. I am hun- gry as a wolf. I will have a chicken nicely roasted, potatoes browned, hot biscuits and coflfee. Host All right, sir. Now step this way and make yourself comfortable by the fire. You will find last week'g papers on the table. (Exit hostfoUowed by Traveler.) ScKKE II. Host and traveler. Tramler. (Pacing ba>ck and fortTk) This is a very comfortable sort of a place after all. It is much better th&n I expected Id tiai miserabk countzj. (ErUer Host.) If OrrSNSITY, 9 Host How do you find yourself now? Traveler. Splendid 1 That fixe of yours thawed me out In the dhortest kind of notice. If your viands are as good, I shall al- ways recommend your house, H08L My what? Traveler. Your viands! Your eatables. Eo8t. Well, they are. I keep the best of everything. Traveler. I think wood must be very cheap in this country, jadgiDg by the fires you keep. Host, It is so plenty we don*t know how to get rid of it. 1 see in last week^s paper that an eastern man talks of starting a big saw-mill hera It will pay. Tra/celer, You see it in the paper did you t Host, Yes, I see it in last week's paper. Traveler, You mean you 8a/w it Host Well, what la the difference ? Sometimes I say «ea, and aometimes se^n. Traveler, Both are wrong. It should be %a/w. Host. I don't see that it makes any difference in these parts what a man says. Traveler. You had the tense wrong. That is all. HosU Tense I What is that ? I never saw one. TraA)el&r, Did your teachers never tell you that you must never use see for soajd f Host, {Laughs heartily,) I guess not, stranger. They didnH know it themselves. You must have a fine education. Traveler, Oh, yes ; I studied grammar several terms. Host. Grammar! 'Humph! People never heard of grammar where I went to school. ISo grammar fixes up your — what-do-you- call-'ems.doesit? Traveler. Yes, it keeps the modes and tenses all right Host. Well, I'm real glad you told me, but I guess my tenses are so badly out of joint nothing short of an earthquake could itraighten them. {Both laugh.) Tra/celer, I'm getting hungry. I wonder if that chicken is icarly roasted ? Host, I think it is pretty nigh done. The cook will call yc;i when it is ready. That chicken reminds me of something. Let me show you a big egg one of our hens laid last week. It is a regular whopper. I'm a judge of chickens if I don't knowany^ thmg about your — whatdo-you-cail-it ? Traveler, Teme! {Exeunt.) ScEKB III. Traveler and hostler. This scene represent VU vowM of the third syllable, but not its sound. Trawler. John^ have you made my horse comfortable? John. Aye. sir. Tra^ider. Jfohii^ why do you say aye, instead of j^f 90 mTBNSITY. /Mn. Aye Is a very good sort of word. TrmeUr* Quite true \ But you must have some reason foi using it You don*t look like a foreigner, and If you had been a sailor yoa would say, aye, aye^ sir. John. No, I am not a foreigner, nor a sailor, but my mother was a Scotchman. Traveler, No! You TSkQ&3i% Scotchwoman. John, Aye sir, I do. But what is the difference? Arent they all, men ana women, Scotchmen ? Traveler. Oh, no ! a Scotchman, means a Scotch man^ John, Then a female Scotchman, is a Scotch uxyman. Traveler, (LaugJis.) Exactly! John, I wish you would run in and ask 'the cook if my supper is nearly ready. Tell her I can not wait much longer, John, Aye sir. {Exit.) Traveler, In the mean time I must toast my shins a litUe more. (UxU, Curtain^) Scene IV. Traveler pacing the floor. Enter Twst Tra/celer Landlord, how long does it take to roast a chicken in this country? Ilost, Not long, stranger, not long. Your meal is nearly ready. (Enter cook.) Here is the cook now. Tra/oeler. Cook, is tea nearly ready ? Cook, Tea I Why, you ordered coftee, and I have made yon the nicest cup of coffee you ever drank. Traveler, (Laughs.) That is all right, Polly. When I said tea, I meant supper. Cook, (Laughs.) Sir, that is the first time I ever heard any. body call supper, tea. Host Stranger, I guess from your speech, you wasn*t brought up in this country. City chap, may be ? Tra/veler, Yes, you've guessed it Cook, Well, I never I The idea, of calling supper, tO€k But I came to tell you supper is ready. Tramler, That is the best news I've heard for some time I dosit cdre whether joa ^11 it supper, or <^a^ (ExiL On/rtain.) WroCKABIL STOCKADE. 4 OHASADB I» THREE SCENES, ONE SCENE FOB EACH fSIULASLS^ AND ONE FOB THE ENTIKB WOBIX SCENE L Bro Oh, I am in trouble again, I don't know what I shall do» Brooks, Very sorry, Mrs. Harker! What is it? Mrs, H, That man who hajS a mortgage on my furniture says he will sell everything to-morrow unless 1 pay his bill Brooks, Can't you get him to wait? Mr$» E, Mr. Brooks, I've staved off that matter till nothing more can be done except to pay the bill. He says he has waited too long already. Brooks, What do you propose to do ? Mrs. E, I have come to you for aid. Brooks, {Aside) To me, who cannot aid myself. {Aloud.) How much 18 the bill ? Mrs, E, Fifty dollars. I have come to you because you have always been kind to me. I knew you would not refuse aid to me, whom you have always known. Brooks, {Aside.) I need money badly, but I suppose fifty dollars makes little difference with me. (Writes check) Here is a check for the amount Mrs, E, Thank you, Mr. Brooks, I hope I may be able to pay you next month. Brooks, All right {Exit Mrs. E.) I have reached the point where fifty dollars makes little difference with me. {Enter lady.) What can I do for you, madam ? Lady. I represent the aid society. Our object is to assist the worthy poor. I have called to solicit your subscription to its support Brooks, I am not prepared to sign to-day. iKidy, It is a wortny and well-conducted charity. Brooks, I can give nothing to^ay. Lady, The socieQr reli^ largely on business men* for itt support &TOCKADK m Br06k$. Madam. I am very sorry to refuse aid to your worthy * t I ' I. ^^^ Lady, 1 am very sorry you cannot assist us. Good mom. ing, sir. Brook$, Good morning, madam. (Exit lady. Curtain,) ScEisra III. 8maU boys playing $oldier. Capture of t?ie .stockade. A structure mads like palings ma^ be placed across the stage to represent thefortijication. One pa/rty is intrenched behind it, th€ other attempts the capture, 1st Captain, Now, boys, get ready for the charge. If we can only capture that stockaae the way is open to the enemy's camp. It is their camp we are after. It is a great honor to sleep in the enemy's camp. {Camp is emphasized to distract attention from thi word stockade) 2nd Captain. Now, boys, we must conquer or die. If they ever take that stockade all is lost Nothing can save the camp. Be steady. Wait till you see the whites of their eyes. 1st Captain, All ready ! CXarge, {They rush up and try to get oner the stockade^ but are repulsed^ and retreat to form again,) 2nd Captain, The day is ours \ (His side cheer.) 1st Captain. On to yictoiy I {TTiey rush up and drive t?he othdf part^from the ttockadfi, aohd mti &i the 0ther tide with cheerB,) . THE DIALOGUES FROM THIS TO THE END OF THE BOOK ARE BY VARIOUS AUTHORS, A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. CHARACTERS. Frank Wood. Harry Manson. Emma Wood. Laura Burns. Annie Logan„ Ella Seaton. Clara Jones. m A. PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT ScKNE.^ — A Parlor, Characters aU discovered. Harry. Now that we are all here, what shall we do? Laura. Let us play charadei. Annte. Or proverbs. Ella, I vote for proverbs. Frank. I have a suggestion to make. Let us resolve our- selves into a literary or debating society, and let us have speeches and recitations; or, if the young ladies here present would prefer, let us have a debate on the woman question. Emma. Oh, Frank can't think or talk about anything but speeches and debates. Clara. I'm in favor of the speeches. Yes, let us have a real literary society to-night in this room. Wouldn't it be splendid? Harry. I cion't think it would be very splendid for a young man in my position. I don't know a single speech, and as for debating, I couldn't say six and a half words on any question. Laura. Oh, you don't know what you can do until you try. It may be that you can make a powerful speech when you are thor- oughly aroused, Harry. Does the young lady mean to say that I am not thoroughly aroused at all times and on all occasions? Does the young lady believe that I go through this world with my eyes shut? Does the young lady think that I am a piece of stupidity? Does — does — Frank, As Shakspeare says, " I pause for a reply.*' Laura. Oh, no I he paused because he couldn't say anything more. Ella. Or because he ran out of interrogation points. Annie. If Harry can't debate, and has no speech that he can : eak, I would suggest that we elect him president Harry. That will suit me exactly. I always had a desire to be "sident, but I had no idea that I would so soon be elected to at honorable position. Laura. I'm opposed to that The gentler sex is in the major- ity here, and I firmly believe that one of our number should tit in the presidential chair. Harry. Ah I yes, the young lady has aspirations that way her-^ «el£. Laura. No, sir! I have no desire to be president of this meeting. I simply say that as the girls are in the majority here, one of their number should be elected to the office of (B^sident 96 A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. It leema to me that some people think that boys arc qualified tot any office and are capable of filling any position. If a president Is to be elected, they say, "elect a boy;" if a responsible posiiion is to be filled they say " fill it with a boy.'^ The girls have to stand back — they never have a fair show — they are, in a manner, tram- pled upon and kept down. Harry. (Aside.) Whew I what a talker! Wouldn't the be a fine speaker for the woman's rights platform? Ella. We havn*t yet decided that we . will have a literary so- ciety, and if we donH have a literary society we will not need a president. Clara^ I move that we have a literary society. Ella. I second the motion. Harry. All those in favor of the motion will please Laura. {Interrupting him.) You're not president All those in favor of the motion Harry. {Arising.) Hello I Stop! Halt! Didn*t some one suggest my name for president? And nobody suggested the name of Laura Burns. Then doesn't it devolve upon me to put the motion? Or, in other words, doesn't it devolve upon me to act as president until a president has been duly elected? Laura. Absurd! Ella. Ridiculous! Frank. What are we going to do about it? Clara. I move that Laura Burns be elected president. Harry. President of what? We have not decided to have a meeting, and if we should not have a meeting what do we want a president for? Clara. Now, Harry, don't get up a fuss about nothing. Harry. About noticing I Isn't this a matter of importance? isn't it a matter of great importance? When the history of this night shall be written, shall it be said that we transacted the bus- iness of this meeting in an illegal manner? Shall coming gen- erations blush and feel curflummuxed and catterwampussed be- cause the boys and girls here present wee ignorant of parliamen- tary law, and knew not how to organize a literary society ? Oh, my beloved young friends, let us proceed caretully; let us do nothing that we shall be ashamed of when we are gone to join the major- ity, and other boys and girls are filling our places and organizing literary societies; let us do nothing to cause the blush of shame to overspread the faces of our sons and daughters when they read on the pages of history the proceedings of this eventful night I feel that I have said enough. {Seats himself.) Frank. I feel that way too. Clara. I renew mj^ 'motion. I move that Laura Bums be elected president of this meeting. Ella. I second the motion. Clara. Without further delay I will put the motion. Harry. (Rises^ seemingly very much exciied) Put tne motion I Don^tt do&l:! I beg of you don't put the motion. If it mutt b« A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. 97 ?ut, let it put itself. Don't have anything to do with that motion, t is out of order. It is a ridiculous rnoiion. Don't you know that it is entirely wrong and most aboiiiinably out of order to put a motion ot that kind? We have not even decided tliat we will have a literary meeting for the purpose of showing each other how smart we are in the way of making speeches. Then when we have not decided that w^e will have s,uch a meeting, how can we elect a president? Let us proceed calmly and carefully; let us do nothing rashly; let us act with the understanding that we are making history, and that — Gar a. {Interrupting him.) All those in favor of the motion will please say aye, {All vote aye except Harry.) Those opposed will say no. Harry. {Speaking bo7}ihasticaUy.) 1 vote no! How could I do otherwise? " I have but one lamp by w^hich my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience. I know of no way ot judging ol the future but by the past, and, judging by the past," let me ask, what will the world say when it hears of the transactions ol this night? What will coming generations say when they read that a number of boys and girls, seemingly intelligent and re- spectable, met in Mr, Wood's parlor and elected a president with- out having a meeting for that president to preside over? Oh, fellow citizens of the feminine gender, and one fellow citizen of the masculine gender, I blush for you all. {Seats himself,) Clara. Miss Laura Burns has been elected president. She will please occupy the chair. {Takes Laura by the hand andleads her to the chair.) Laura. Gentlemen and ladies,. you will please come to order, and we will proceed to business. Harry, {Rising.) I rise for the purpose c^" asking a question. Laura. Ihe gentleman has asked too many questions already, but we will hear him; proceed Mr. Manson, and ask your ques- tion. Harry, What are we going to do to-night? Laura. We are going to have some literary performances. The first performance will be an extemporaneous speech by Har- ry Manson. Harry. {Rising) I'm amazed! Fm dumfounded ! Here I have been protesting against the manner in which you proposed to transact business to-night, and yet you have gone forward regard- less of my warnings and entreaties. You have elected a presi- dent without seeming to know whether we were to ha\-e literary performances, or whether we were to have a nice little time play- ing charades. You have gone on recklessly — you have given no heed to mv warnings, and now you have added— I might almost say — yes, I will altogether sav, you have added insult to injury by placing my name first on the list of performers. What shall I do? Annie, Proceed with your speech. Laura, Yes, proceed with your extemporaneout speech; I am ^J8 A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. President and I command you to proceed with jour speech. Harry. {Bows to Laura) Yes, Ma'am, I will proceed with nu ipeech; I am always willing to obey the powers that be. {To iht others, ) But, ladies and gentlemen, I — I— I — don't know what to say. (Pauses as if in thought.) Mr. President; it is natural lor man to indulge in the illusions of hope; we are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren till she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part ot wise nicr. engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty? Are we disposed — Laura. {Interrupting him.) Mr. Manson will please speak an extemporaneous speech, and not a declamation. Harry ^ Yes, Miss President, I will endeavor to do so. Fel low citizens ana the young ladies who are seated before me or. this occasion : I have come out for the purpose of talking to you ; I have come out for the purpose of making an extemporaneous speech, but you will see before I have proceeded y^ry far that 1 am a poor talker. Ladies, it is my firm belief that the boys and girls, and the men and women of the present day who do so much talking, do not amount to anything. Some great man has said that ** Still waters run deep," and I believe it is true. When you see a man going straight ahead and attending to his business you may be sure that that man am.ounts to something; but, if on the other hand, you see a man who is always talking and telling what he has done and what he can do, you may feel pretty sure that that man doesn't amount to a hill of beans. Ladies and gentle- men, or rather girls and boy, don't depend on the men v/ho are always talking. Girls and boy, I suppose some of you have seen young ladies who try to do all the talking. I do not admire such ladies; I do not love them. A lady of this kind when at a party will talk to this gentleman, and to that gentleman, and to the other gentleman, and keep up a fuss and a buzz and do a great deal of laughing, and yet all she says amounts to nothing. She will attract a gopd deal of attention and the young men will flutter around her, but no sensible man will think of marrying her. Ah! a man who would marry such a woman would lead a wretched life; he would find that she could talk better than she could make bread and pies and apple dumplings ; he would find that she could converse and make a fuss and a buzz better than she could keep house, and he would conclude that a smooth, easy, gliding talker was a good thing to have at a party, but she didn't amount to anything when it came down to the stern reality of keeping house. If a man should come home for his dinner and find the table spread and nothing on it but knives and forks and plates, and it that man 's wife should sit down and give him some smooth, easy talk, say for fifteen minutes, and then rise up and tell him that that was ail the dinner he would get that day, how do you gup- pose that man would feel about it? Would he pick his teeth and ieei £« If he had got a good square meal? I guess not It is more A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. ^^ reasonable to suppose that the man would rise up and strike the wife of his bosom a fearful blow with the roUing pin or any other article of domestic warfare he might find lying around. Now, my young fellow citizen, when you get old enough you can go and marry a talking girl if you want to, but if you get into trouble and get nothing to eat, and the house isn't kepi clean, and the cobwebs are left swinging, you can't say I didn ^ give you fair warning. And, fellow girls, I have a word to say to you. You tan all go and marry men who loaf around stores and taverns and do a great deal of talking, but when you are married a year or t^vo and there is no meat nor coffee nor bread nor butter provided for you to live upon, and you have no money to ''buy the child a frock," you can't say that I didn 't raise my warning voice and tell you to bcvjiu-e! One word to a wise man is as good a.s a hundred to a lot of fools. {^Harry seats himself.) Emma, A remarkable speech. Atniie. Wonderful! Wonderful! Ella. And yet this is the boy who said he couldn't speak. Laura, A boy never know s what he can do until he tiies. Harry. Very true; very true; nor a girl either. Laura. But w^e must proceed. The next performance will be a recitation by Frank Wood. Frank. Oh, don't call for my performance now. Let us have variety. We have had a speech by a boy, now let us have a speech by a girl; or, I might say, we have had a very good speech from a boj^ now let us have a very poor speech trom a girl. Emma. Box his ears. Clara. Does the boy think that because we are girls we can't speak good speeches? We'll show differently when our time comes. Ella* Does the boy think that all the intelligence of the society is confined to the male portion of it? Annie. Miserable boy. Emma. Box his ears. Laura. Order! Mr. Wood will proceed with his speech. Frank. [Rising.) I bow to the will of our fair President Bo-ivs to the girls and commences to speak,) AN AWFUL BLUNDERBUSS.* In Wagontown there lived a girl who had a Roman nose; Her mouth was small, her teeth were white, her cheeks were like the rose. Her father's name was Benson Hall, and hers was Sarah Jane; They had a house and kept a store at forty Maiden Lane. *F?oaa •* Monro *» Girls andJBoy* of AaeKaics." A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. Miss Sarah Jane had seven beaux, and s-lightly liked them ail, But five of them were much disHked by Mr. Benson Hall. He often said to Sarah Jane, "I Hke both Brown and Ray, But then those other pumpkin heads had better keep away. "Don't let them come a courting here, Tm sure 'twill never do, To have so many chaps around a gallivanting you. I hate the Smiths, the Cobbs, the Grays, I hate Melancthon Topp, And worse than all 1 hate your beau, whose name is John Mc- Flopp. " But you may spark young Mr. Ray, and Peter Franklin Brown, For they're as good as any men we have about the town. And they are men of common sense, they've got some money too, So mind, I tell you, Sarah Jane, be careful what you do." Then Sarah Jane put on a frown, and looked most tearing cross; Said she: " I'll marry John, I will — I'll show you I am boss; [ do not care for Smith, nor Cobb, nor Gray, nor Mr. Topp, But you may bet I '11 marry yet, that splendid man, McFlopp. •^ 1 love McFlopp because he's tall, and wears a big moustache. Because he's highfalutin like, and cuts a mighty dash. I could not marry Smith nor Cobb, I could not marry Gray, I 'd rather load my pistol up, and blow my brains away." Then Mr. Hall he frowned a frown, he jumped, aud tore, and sw^ore ; He kicked the dog and slammed the cat against the kitchen door. Ke said he 'd straighten things around and make an awful fuss, And then he went into the house and got his blunderbuss. He loaded up his awful gun, with powder, stones and lead, And said he 'd pop young John McFlopp a blizzard tiirough the head. He said he'd take most careful aim, and shoot him in his tracks. And send him fluting through the air away to Halifax. And Sarah Jane, with tearful eye, got out her pis-ti-ol, And into it she crammed down, some powder and a ball. She also got an awful knife, which had a ragged edge, And bought a pick, a maul, an axe, a pop-gun and a sledge. Said she: ** I guess I 'm ready now to strike for truth and right; I think I 'm armed sufficiently to make an awful fight 1 11 tear the rafters from the house, I *11 split the gable end, For if I know myself at all, my John I will defend. A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. 101 [••Of course I'd hate to shoot mj pa, and see him fail kerwhop, [But it would be mv duty to it he should kill McFlnpp." ^ And then the lovely Sarah Jane got out some dough and things, ;, And pared some apples with a knife to make some dump-i-lings. While thus engaged, McFiopp came in, and kissed his Sarah Jane; I Said he: "I sorter calculate we'll have a little rain; l;,But get your bonnet and your shawl, I '11 take you right away, i And we'll be married tight and fast this pleasant summer day." V* Oh gracious, John! you 've flustered me! and here 's my dump- i-lings; 'How can I leave my apples here, and all my dough and things?" " Oh, blast the dough !" said John McFlopp, " put on your bonnet quick! Or that old dad of yours may come and slash us with a stick." " Oh, no, dear John, he's out of town, so do not be alarmeu, We 've ample time, I 'm glad you 've come, and you shall noi be harmed. I 've got a knife with ragged edge, a pick, a sledge, a maul ; ^^ And then I 've got another thing, an awful pisti-ol." HP Then Sarah Jane rolled up her dough and pitched it o'er the fence, And straightway got in readiness for her departure thence. She gathered up her arms of war, all ready for a fuss, And then she took a nail and spiked her dad 's old blunderbuss. They turned their backs on Wagontown, and swiltiy sped away. Until they reached a minister 's on Copper Kettle Bay; He tied them fast, for which McFlopp an X did flop him down, And then they turned immediately to go to Wagontown. But on the road hey saw a sight which chilled them to the toes, It made them feel curflumuxed like, and sorter like they 'd froze. For right before them, firm and straight, stood Mr. Benson Hall, And they could see that he was bound to conquer or to fall. '* Halt ! halt I" he cried, *' I '11 shoot you both, I *11 show you what U* to pay, I 'U charge upon you with my gun, and blow you both away." He aimed his gun and oflfit went, with a terrific roar, And John was sent among the clouds some fifty miles or more. He lodged upon a dogwood limb upon a ragged cloud, And Sarah Jane tore round awhile and then she rried aloud: ** Qh, John has gone, and I '11 go too, for I have lost my all, Bot first I 'U shoot my wicked pa, with my old pis-ti-oL" lOS A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. Her father turned his gun around and let the trigger fty, And straight he went a whizzing up into the cloudy sky- ** Oh, what an awful pa he was!" said tearful Sarah Jane; "I wonder if they'll tumble down when it begins to rain." A thought now struck this widowed bride, she hushed her mourn- fui bawl; " I 'li shoot myself with that big gun, and drop my pis-ti-ol; I '11 whiz myself up to the clouds, and I may find IMcFlopp." And so she shot, and up she went a ivhizzle chunk ker-iv/ioJ>. And now, my friends, I Ve told you all about this awful gun, And how they all were shot aloft, and went a whiz-zi-un. I 've said my say, and hope you '11 all keep clear of such a tuss, And that you Ui not get shot aloft with such a blunderbuss, Frank seats himself. Ella. A terrible tragedy. An?ite, A touching story and a sad ending! Harry. Miss President: I move that we pause for two minutes and a half, and weep lor Mr. Benson Hall, Miss Sarah Jane Hall and Mr. John McFlopp» " If you have tears prepare to shed them now.'* And if you have no tears run for a few onions. Frank. We have no time to weep now. We want to hear the performances of the girls. Harry, Oh, they can't speak. Let us adjourn. Emma, Box his ears. Laura. Which of the young ladies will speak first? Harry. Don't all speak at once. Clara. I am ready to speak if you are ready to hear. {Clara xites. THE THREE FISHERS. ** Three fishers went sailing out into the west — Out into the west as the sun went down; Each thought on the woman who loved him the best. And the children stood watching them out of the town: For men must work and women must weep, And there's little to earn, and many to keep, Though the harbor-bar be moaning. Three wives sat up in the lighthouse tower, And they trimmed the lamps as the sun went down; They looked at the squall, and they looked at the shower, And the night-rack came rolling up ragged and brown : But men must work and women must weep, Though storms be sudden and waters deep, And the harbor-bar be moaning. A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. Three corpses lie out on the shining sands, In the morning gleam, as the tide goes down, And the women are weeping and wringing tlieir han4s^ For those who will never come home to the town. For men must work, and women must weep, And the sooner it *s over the sooner to sleep, And good-bj to the bar and its moaning." Laura. A very creditable perforrnance. Now who will speak next? Emma. I have thought that we might now have a dialogue. Annie, A dialogue! How could we, when we have nothing of that kind prepared? Emma. Let us make it up as we go along. Ella, Splendid! splendid! That*s just the idea! I never thought of such a thing before. Won 't it be funny? Clara. But what can we talk about? What kind of characters will we represent? Annie. Let the President decide that matter. Harry. I 'm afraid it will be a bungled up affair. Emma. Yes, Miss President, we will give the matter into your hands. Laura, The idea is a new one and it may seem somewhat dif- ficult to undertake it, yet we do not give up at trifles. The boys have spoken their piece, and we must not fail to give perform- ances of some kind. If you wish to leave the matter to me, 1 would suggest that we represent five old ladies at a sewing cir- cle. Emma and Annie, {Clapping their hands.) That't iti that's it! Ella. Splendid! Clara. Magnificent Harry. {To Frank,) If the the old women arp going to com- mence to gossip I guess we had better retire, Laura. {To Harry.) No, we will need you here. You may occupy the chair, as I am going to take part in the dialogue. Harry. Elevated to the Presidency at last! Happy man! (Laura rises and Harry seats Jiimself in Iter chair.) Now, if you old women become disorderly I will show you that I am clothed with authority. {Speaks commandingly.) Order! order! Proceed to business! You old women, go to work on that dia- logue ; we have no time to spare. Emma. Oh, what a President. Frank. I fear we shall have to impeach him. Harry. Don't be alarmed, I just wanted to see how severe J could be in a case of emergency. You may proceed with your arrangements now and I will look on smilingly and cornpla- cently. I don 't wonder that so many people want to be Presi- dent of the United States. It makes me feel pretty good to be president of thfs little meeting. Laura, {Seats herself.) We are a.\- sated, and now we will cmLm- 104 A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. mence to sew and to talk about our neighbors. Emma will be a widow named Prudence Peppergrass, Annie will be another widow named Florence Furbelow, and EUa, Clara and I will be old maids named Jane Hamilton, Tabitha Primrose and Jemima Stokes. Alter we have talked awhile Frank, who will represent a widower nam.ed Daniel Davenport, will come in. Now we will commence. {Tliey all take up garments as if to engage in serving^ and l^AVKA speaks as JKMiMK.) La, sakes ! do jou suppose Pd hev anything to do with that old widderer.? Wall, now, I wouldn't I hain t in sich a big hurry about gittin' married as all that amounts to. Jest to tell the truth about the matter, I'm a heap better ofT as I am. Married folks allers hev a heap of trouble, and they git worrited about things which don't trouble single people, nohow. No, I'm jist goin' to remain single fur awhile; at least, I ain't goin' to be m no great hurry about marryin' Dan- iel Davenport. Emma. {As Prudence Peppergrass ) And I ain't either. I 'spose I could hev had Dan'el half a dozen times if I hadn't jist put him otTand commenced to talk about somethin' else. He has come purty nigh to the p'int seven or eight times, but I couldn't jist make up my mind that I ought to hev him, and so I turned the conversation into other channels. I allers did dispise them women which would allow a man to come to the p'int and ax the important question, when they had no idee of acceptin' that said man. I think it is outrageously and abominably wrong; and it is contrary to the teachin's of the Holy Bible, and also of the Apoc- rypha. Annie. Yes, that's jist so. I hev had several men come and be upon the p'int of layin' their heart's best devotions down at my feet, so to speak, but I hev allers managed to evade the ques- tion, except in one instance, and that was When my dear depart- ed, Franklin Furbelow, axed me to be his guidin star and sail withliim adown the stream of time on his fragile bark. I wasn't jist sure that Franklin was approchin' the p'int at that time, but even if I had been aware of the fact I would hev allowed him to perceed, fur I had jist about made up my mind that I would hev him. He was a kind man; yes, Franklin was a kind man, but he was dreadful hard on his clothes. Often and often would I hev to sit up and burn the midnight oil a patchin his coats and panta- loons. But he is gone now, and I don't want to cast any reflec- tions upon his doin's. Franklin has been lyin' 'neath the clods of the valley fur nigh onto five years, yet I cannot entirely make up my mind whether it would be proper or not fur me to be j'ined again in the silken tie A lone woman with four children on her hands has a good deal of diflikilty in gettin' through this vale of tears, and I sometimes think that perhaps it would be better fur me to seek out a strong arm to lean upon, as I travel down the hill slope of life. As the poet says: "I've paced much this weary mortal round, And sage experience bids me this declare. A Parlor entertainment, tos If heaven a draugnt of neaveniy pleasure share. One cordial in this melancholy v?le, *Tis when a youthful, loving, modest pair, In other's arms breathe out the tender tale, Beneath the milk white thorn that scents the evening gal^ Another poet says: ** I 'd rather lean upon a breast Responsive to my own, Than sit pavilioned gori^eously Upon a royal throne." Ella, (As Jane Hafiiilton.) Well, indeed, I never think of sich a thing as enterin' the state of matrimony. I hev a strong arm of my own, an' I don't want anybody's arm to lean upon. I kin walk' right straight ahead, an' I don't want to be bothered with any man which belongs to the male sect. I hev a higher and no- bler purpose in view than gittin' married. I hev in view the en- franchisement of our sex. Shall we go on in this abject and down trodden manner? Shall we go on and never, never have the right of suffrage, while all around us ignorant and besotted men are marchin' up to the North and the South polls and depositing their votes? (Becomes excited^ rises and throws dow?i her sezvtng-.) I say never! never! Don't we know, more than the male sect from beginnin' to end? Yes, we do. And the men sect can go to the aforesaid North and South polls and deposit their votes, while we hev to bow down our necks and be crushed into the dust by the iron heel of despotism. (Elevates her voice>\ I say it is time fur us to arouse. It is time fur us to awake. We must cast aside our sewdn' and everything else, and we must strike boldly fur our rights. If we can't git our rights in any other way, I go in fur rizin' up and seizin' the torts and the arsenels, and gatherin' together the pistols and the cannons and the shot-guns and sich things, and then what? Then, fellow country women, let us fight; yes, let us fight. Let us march bravely out to the battle-field, and let us wade in gore to the tops of our boots if the necessity of the case demands it. We hev bin bamboozled about long enough. At I said before, we hev bin crushed into the dust bv the iron heel of despotism, and we must rise in our might — we must stand with shoulder-blade to shoulder-blade, and we must fight (Seats her- self and takes up her sezving.) Harty, (Aside.) If that old lady does n*t make long stitches now, I'm much mistaken. Clara. (As Tabitha Pri7nrose.) Wall, some of you talks about gittin' married, and some of you talks about woman suffrage, but I don't care nothing about none of them things. I hev other sub- jects to think on, and i don't bother myself about gittin* a vote or gittin' a husband, either. I don't want either of them. I'm a powerful sight better off as I am. But I hain't got no kind of 106 A :'AJlLOR ENTERTAINMENT. hCRlth; oh, no, I hj int got no health at all. One day I am down with a bad cold in nij head, and the next daj I hev the rheumatiz in my arms, and th n just as like as not the next day I will hev neuralgia., and that 'i the way it goes, and I hev no rest at all. It keeps me all the t'^me huntin' yarbs and makin' medicines and mixin' poultices, an-i I hain't no time to think about anything else. Sometimes I think it would he better (ur me jist to die and hev it over. I can't eit down to read or my head will-'git to achin\ and I can't sit down to s 3w or the rheumatiz will git to dartin* through my limbs, and I can't do nothin'. Oh, I'm a dreadfully afflicted person. What would I talk about gittin married fur? And what need I care about woman suffrage.? The women hain't got no right to vote; they*d better stay at home, and not bother them- selves about politics. But then there's allers some women that must be meddlin' thi^mselves about things that don't consarn them. {Lays do-wii her sewing,) I don't believe I can sew any more this evenin'. The rheumatiz is botherin' me, and my head is gittin' sort of unsteady, and I guess I'll git up and go home. Frank, {As Daniel Davenport^ comes forixjard.) Good evenin', ladies; good evenin'. I spoze it's about goin' hum time. {To Ella.) Miss HamiKon, shall I hev the pleasure of esquartin' you hum to-night? Ella. Oh, certainly, Mr. Davenport, and I shall feel highly honored* Laura, (jRistn^,) Mr. Davenport, don't hev nothin' to do with chat old gal. She was abusin' the male sect afore you come in. Emma. No, Mr. Davenport, don't hev nothin' to do with her. She 's a regular old tiger. Ella, {Advancing with uplifted hand.) What \ that you say? Frank. I guess I Vi better run. It begins to look squally. Annie. No, Mr. Davenport, don't hev nothin' to do with her. She's a woman's righther, and she hates the men. I need a strong ai m to lean upon, and if you — Ella, I'm aroused now. {To Emma.) Do you say I'm a tiger? ( 7 -> Annie) Do you say I hate the men? Now, then, for ven- geance! {Raises both atms as if to clutch Emma and Annie by the hail of their heads. Harry. {Coming Jorixard,) From present appearances I should sav that it would be better to bring this dialogue to a close, Emma and Ella. Oh, we're only in fun! Annie, I believe Harry is frightened. {All the girls laugh,, Harry stands in C, and the girls and Frank at ench side, forming a senn-circle.) Harry. No, not frightened, but it is time to end the dialogue and the quarrel, and ( To audience) to thank the audience for theii kind attention to our littii* sketch, A Parlor Entertainmiint. {All bow CIS ike curtain falls.) LESSONS IX COOKERY. 107 LESSONS IN COOKERY. CHABACTEBS. Cicely Jones, Mrs. Jones, Bridget, An Exquisite Young Lady. Her Mamma. The Cook, Scene. — A 'kitchen. Cicely icears chintz apron prettily trimmed with hows of rihhon, a Dolly Varden cap and kid-gloves. Cicely. Mamma, please introduce me to your assistant. 3Irs. J. Bridget, this is your young lady, Miss Cicely, who wants to learn the name and use of everything in the kitchen, and how to make coeoanut rusks and angels' food, before she goes to housekeeping for herself. Bridget I'll throy. (Exit Mrs. J.) Cicely. And now, Bridget dear, tell me e^ei'y thing. You see, I don't know anything, except what they did at school; and isn't, this old kitchen lovely? What makes this ceiling such a beautiful bronze color, Bridget? Bridijet. Shmoke, and me ould eyes are put out with that same. Cicely. Shmoke — I must remember that, and, Bridget, what are those shiny things en the wall? Bridget. Kivers? — tin kivers for pots and kittles. Cicely. Kivers? — oh, yes; I must look for the derivation of that word. Bridget, what are those round things in the basket? Bridget. Praties I (for the Lord's sake where hez ye lived niver to hear of praties?) Vv^hy, tliim's the i^rincipal mate of Ireland, where I kim from. Cicely. Oh! but we have corrupted the name into potatoes; such a shame not to keep the idiom of a language ! Bridget — do you mind if I call you Biddie? It is more euphonious, and modernizes the old classic appellation. Y/hat is this liquid in the pan here? Bridget. Och, murder! Where wuz ye raised? That's millick, fresh from the cow. Cicely. Millick? That is the vernacular, I suppose, of milk; and that thick, yellow coating? Bridget. Is crame! (Lord, such ignorance!) 108 LESSOKS IN COOKERY. Cicely. Crame! Now, Biddie dear, I must get to work I.m going- to make a cake all out of my own head for Henry — he's my lover, Biddie — to eat when he comes to-night. Bridget {aside.) It's dead he is, sure, if he ates it! Cicely. I've got it all down here, Biddie, on my tablet: A pound of butter, twenty eggs, tv/o pounds of sugar, salt to your taste. No, that's a mistake. Oh, here it is! Nov/, Biddie, the eggs first. It says to beat them well; bat won't that break the shells? Bridget. Well, I'd break thim this time if I were you, Miss Cicelj^; they might not set well on Mr. Henry's stum- mack if ye didn't. Cicely. Oh! I suppose the shells are used separately. There! I've broken all of the eg'gs into the flour. I don't think 111 use the shells, Biddie; give them to some poor people. Now, what next? Oh, I'm so tired! Isn't house- work dreadful hard? But I'm glad I've learned to make cake. Now, what shall I do next, Biddie? Bridget. Excuse me, Miss Cicely, but you might give it to the pigs. It's meself can't see any other use for it (crustily). Cicely. Pigs! O Biddie! you don't mean to say tliat you have some dear, cunning little white pigs! Oh, do bring the little darlings in and let me feed them! I'm just dying to have one for a pet! I sav/ some canton-flannel ones once at a fair, and they were too awfully sweet for anything. {Iiu7is out. ) THE TRAVELER. 109 THE TRAVELER. CIIABACTERS. Mr. Lawton, An Mderly Gentleman. Joseph, Ills Son, Albert, A Conceited Youth. Scene, — Joseph seated alone. Joseph. I wish Albert would wake up; I have waited three hours to see him, and I am all impatience to hear of his travels, and welcome him as our guest. Enter Albert, yawning; seeing Joseph, he tries to conceal the yaicn, and assumes a sprightly air. J. Ah, Albert, so you are awake at last! A. Awake! Who said I slept? /. Your servant! A, Oh, yes! To tell the truth, when I retire to my room for contemplation and study, I let the servants think it is to sleep, in order to avoid interruption. /. Then you v^^ere not asleep? A. Not a momentc /. Yet your shutters w^ere closed. A, They always are when I study. I cannot concentrate my attention upon anything serious in a glare of light. I acquired the habit in Italy. The heat there is so oppressive that the rooms are kept quite dark. /. Indeed! A. My whim of writing by candlelight was well known both at Rome and Naples; nay, even grev/ proverbial; for by way of describing a studied work ]~>eople used to say it was certainly done by candlelight. My discourse on science, on being admitted into the Academy, made this joke fashionable. /. Yet if I had knov\m you were not in bed I should have interrupted your studies. A, In bed! I am no sleeper! I have an antipathy for sleep; it is a state of stupor and moral death, when every, faculty of the soul is suspended. I never sleep more than three hours out of the twenty-four. 110 THE TRAYELER. /. Indeed! A. When shall 5-0U travel, Joseph? /. I have no taste for traveling. A. How childish! Come, I will take you with me next year. /. You go again so soon? A. Oh, I cannot suffer such talents as mine to rust at home. I propose to go first to Russia. I meditate writing a ^voi•k upon the rapid progress of the Russians in arts and policy. Afterward I shall take Denmark and Sweden. /. Do you expect to write a work upon Russia in a year? A. Oh, in a month. My powers of composition are tre- mendous! tremendous, I assure you.' They sometimes sur- prise myself. Da you love natural history? I dote upon It. J. I confess that I have not yet made it a study. At six- teen, Albert, I scarcely aspire to any separate branches. A. Oh, the driest, most difficult studies are mere play to me. I learn whatever I please without trouble or application. /. At sixteen! This is wonderful! A. So they said abroad. At Rome, it was related of me that in one evening I had solved a problem, written an im- promptu poem, maintained a long argument upon politics, danced ten country dances, and translated a long passage from Dante into French. /. What passage of Dante did you translate? A. Why — the— hem — it has slipped my memory, but it was the most difficult in the whole poem, chosen on purpose to puzzle me. You shall see it. /. I hear my father's voice — he comes to welcome you home. Will you dine with us? A. Thank' yo'^5 I will. Must you go? J. I have an engagement. {Aside, going out.) In another moment I should have laughed in his face. {He goes out.) A. 1 have astonished him; now to petrify his father. Enter Mr. Lawton. A. {affecting not to see him, examines the inctures). Oh! this head is surely after Raphael! Mr. L. No, it is after my great-grandmother. A. Excuse me! I did not hear you. Mr. L. Welcome to Pineville, my boy. Though we shall not let you lie abed all day after this! You were fatigued with your journey — — A. I Mr. L. Not a word! I forgive you. So you like the pictures? A, There is a tolerable freedom of hand in that portrait, and the chiaro oscuro in this landscape is very fair. THE TRAVELER. HI Mr. L. {aside). The coxcomb! A. Is nofc this a copy of Salvator Rosa? Mi\ L. No. It i3 an original John Jones, and a good picture of my sister. (Aside) ■ His brain is turned. A. I looked at your garden from my window this morn- ing; the site is extremely good, and the view in the wooded part is extremely picturesque. The rising sun sheds masses of light upon the walks that had a wondeilully brilliant elTect. Oh, but you should see Switzerland, where beauty is united to severity! Nature is mystic and awful in Italy and Switzerland; but it is a kind of beauty (if I may venture so to express myself), the rugged austerity of which ap- proaches to hardness; here, nature is less sublime, but more simple and touchiDg. My, L. {aside). What a pack of stuff! A. {aside). He is confounded already. 3Ir. L. [aside). Let me see how far he will go. [Aloud.) Indeed, Alfred, you amaze me with your eloquence. Ail you have found means to introduce, in saying my garden vvas pretty — - A. Arose from my passionate love of nature. The sigbt of a fine landscape affects me in an extraordinary manner. What joy did I taste upon the Apennines! Those lofcy mountains, larded with rocks and surrounded by precipices; that aspect, noble and untamed, exalted my imagination; every idea became expanded, elevated, till, hurried on by an irresistible enthusiasm, I forsook my carriage, meditated, sketched and composed verses. Mr. L, (aside). So! He is a poet, too! A, What a clime is Italy for Ji lively, speculative mind! I received an impression not to be described on reflecting that I was in the land of Cicero, Virgil and Horace! And Rome — Rome! What rapture did I feel on entering Rome! Mr. L. Tell me something of your observations upon men and manners. Did you study them? A. In Italy my observations were entirely coniined to matter; there, nothing but eyes and memory are requisite; there we can reflect only upon the past. But in Switzerland, England and France we must seek for thinking beings, heads \\e\\ organized, and profound ideas. The French have grace, pleasing warmth, an eminent glow of coloring, and the art of chiaro oscuro; but the English excel them in geo- metrical and methodical reason, logic and depth. Mr. L. You ascertained all this in three months! Did you keep a journal? A. Yes; I scribbled six volumes. It is an unformed work, as you may suppose; I wrote with such rapidity] Nev- 112 THE TRAVELER. ertheless there are fire, wit and originality in it. In Lon- don tliey persecuted me to print it, but I arn so modest I M. L. {aside). I never should have gaessed it! A. I brought some precious drawings from Italy, exqui- sitely finished. Mr. L. Then you paid attention to art? A. I have a passion for art, and am admitted to be a connoisseur in pictures. All my leisure in Rome was devoted to music and painting. I wrote a little essay on music, in which I proved that the Italians alone comprehended the grand effects of harmony; that they excel in purity of style and originality, and that in their most trivial efTorts we' find grace, elegance and exquisite motives. Mr, L. Since you are fond of music, will you go to the dravv^ing-room? My girls are there, and may amuse you with singing. A. The fair sex commands me always! I hasten to find your charming daughters! Aii revoir, (He goes out.) Mr. L, The coxcomb! Whowould have believed that a few months abroad would have so upset his brain! My head fairly spins with his whirl of words. Enter Joseph. /. Where is Albert? Mr. L. Gone to overwhelm your poor sisters. /. What shall we do with him for a month? Mr. L. Let him talk. Can you comprehend such exces- sive absurdity, coafidence and stupidity? /. It proves what you have so often told me, that a young man can have no greater charm than modesty. Mr. L. My dear boy, never forget tins lesson. You will meet with coxcombs, who have more intellect and breeding, but rest assured they are all alike at heart, governed only by the silliest vanity; devoid of generous sentiments, principle and respect for their superiors; arrogant and prone to lies; these are the vices common to all of them. Remember, that at your age no education can be completed; that the mind and brain need time and experience to become matured, and that a philosopher at sixteen is a presumptuous fooL (They go out.) TAKING THE CENSUS. 115 TAKING THE CENSUS. CIIABACTUBS, Inquisitor. A Patient 3Ian, loiih pen^ ink and a large sheet r/pajjer, engaged in taking the census. Mrs. Touchwood. An old lady in frilled cap and set-sjjrig avvon^ engaged in giving it. Scene.— A house in the country, Mrs. Touchwood at a wash-tuh hard at work. Enter Inquisitor. Inquisitor. Good-morning, madam. Is the head of the family at home? Mrs. Touchwood. Yes, sir, I'm at home. Inq. Haven't you a husband? Mrs 2\ Yes, sir, but he ain't the head of the family, I'd have you to know. Inq. How many persons have you in jour family? Mrs. T. Why, bless me, sir, what's that to you? You're mighty inquisitive, I think. Inq. I'm the man that ta,kes the census. Mrs. T. If you was a man in your senses you wouldn't ask such impertinent questions. Inq. Don't be olf ended, old lady, but answer my questior^. as I ask them. Jfrs. T, ' 'Answer a fool according to his folly T' — you know what the Scripture says. Old lady, indeed I Inq. Beg your pardon, madam; but I don't care about hearing Scripture just at this moment. I'm bound to go ac- cordirig to law and not according to gospel. Mrs. T, I should think you went neither according to law nor gospel. What basiness is it to you to inquire into folk's affairs, Mr. Thingnm bob? Inq. The law makes it my business, good woman, and if you don't v\ ant to expose yourself to its penalties, you must answer m.y questions. Mrs. T. Oh, it's the law, is it? That alters the case. But I should like to know v,^hat the law has to do with other people's liousehold matters? Inq. Why, Congress made the law, and if it don't please you, you must talk to them aDout it. 114 TAKING THE CENSUS. 3£rs. T, Talk to a fiddlestick I Vv^hy, Congress is a fool and you're another. Inq. Now, good lady, you're a fine, good-looking woman; if you'll give me a few civil answers I'll thank you. What I wish to know first is, how many are there in your family? Mrs. T, ^LiBt me see {counting on her fingers); there's! and my husband is one Ijiq. Two, you mean. Mrs. T, Don't put me out, now. Mr. Thinkummy. There's 1 and my husband i^ one Inq. Are you always one? Mrs. T. What's that to you, I should like to know. But I tell you, if you don't leave off interrupting me I won't say another word. Inq. Well, take your own way, and be hanged to you. Mrs. T. I will take my own way, and no thanks to you. (Again counting her fingers.) There's I and my husband is one: there's John, he's two; Peter is three, Sue and Moll are four, and Thomas is five. And then there's Mr. Jenkins and his wife and the two children is six; and there's Jowler, he's seven. Inq. Jowler! Who's he? Mrs. T. Who's Jowler! Why, who should he be but the old house dog? Inq. It's the number of persons I want to know. Mrs. T. Very well, Mr. Flippergin, ain't Jowler a person? Come here, Jowler, and speak for yourself. I'm sure he's as personable a dog as there is in the whole State. Inq. He's a very clever dog, no doubt. But it's the num- ber of human beings I want to know. Mrs- T. Human! There ain't a more human dog that ever breathed. Inq. W^ell, but I mean the two-legged kind of beings. 3Irs. T. Oh, the two-legged, is it? AYell, then, there's the old rooster, he's seven:, the fighting-cock is eight, and the bantam is nine ■ Inq. Stop, stop, good woman, I don't want to know the number of your fowls. Mrs. T. I'm very sorry indeed, I can't please you. such a sweet gentleman as you are. Uut didn't you tell me — 'twas the two-legged beings Inq. True, but I didn't mean the hens. Mrs. T. Oh, now I understand you. The old gobbler, he's seven, the hen turkey is eight; and if you'll wait a week there'll be a parcel of young ones, for the old hen turkey is setting on a whole snarl of eggs. Inq. Blast your turkeys! TAKING THE CENSUS. 115 Mrs, r. Oh, don't now, good Mr. Hipperstitcher, I pray you don't. They're as honest turkeys as any in the country. Inq, Don't vex me any more. I'm getting to be angry. jy'TS, T, Ha, ha, ha! Inq. {striding about the room in a rage). Have a care, madam, or I shall ily out of my skin. Mrs. T. If you do, I don't know who'll fly in. Inq. You do all you can to anger m^e. It's the two-legged creatures who talk'^I have reference to. Mrs. T. Oh, now I understand you. Well, then-, our Poll Parrot makes seven and the black gal eight. Inq. I see j^ou will have your own way. Mrs. T, You have just found out, have you! You are a smart little man! Inq. Have you mentioned the whole of your family? Mrs. T. Yes, that's the whole — except the wooden-headed man in front. Inq. Wooden-headed? Mrs. T. Yes, the schoolmaster what's boarding here, Inq. I suppose if he has a wooden head he lives without eating-, and therefore must be a profitable boarder. Mrs. T. Oh, no, sir, you are mistaken there. He eats like a leather judgment. Inq, How many servants are there in the family? Mrs. T. Servants! Wh}' , there's no servants but me and my husband. Inq. What makes you and your husband servants? 3Irs. T. I'm a servant to hard work, and he is a servant to rum. He does nothing all day but guzzle, guzzle, guzzle; while I'm working, and slewing, and sweating from morning till night, and from night till morning. Inq. How many colored persons have you? Irlrs. T. There's nobody but Dinah the black girl, Poll Parrot and my daughter Sue. Inq, Is your daughter a colored girl? Mrs. T. 1 guess you'd think so if you was to see her. She's always out in the sun — and she's tanned up as black as an Indian Inq. How many white males are there in your family under ten years of age? 3Irs. T. Why, there ain^t none now; my husband don't carry the mail since he's taken to drink so bad. He used to carry two, but they wasn't white. Inq. You mistake, good vv-oman; I meant male folks, not leather mails. Mrs, T. Let me see; there's none except little Thomas, and Mr. Jenkins' tvvo little girls. Inq. Males, I said, madam, not females. 116 TAKING THE CENSUS. 31rs. T. Well, if you don't like them you may leave them olf . Inq. How many white males are there between ten and twenty? 3£ts. T. Wliy, there's nobody but John and Peter, and John ran away last week. Inq. How many white males are there between twenty and thirty? Mrs. T. Let me see— there's the wooden-headed man is one, Mr. Jenkins and his wife is two, and the black girl is three. Inq. No more of your nonsense, old lady; I'm heartily tired of it. Mrs. T. Hoity , toity ! Haven't I a right to talk as I please in my own house? Inq. You must answer the questions as I put them. Mrs. T. "Answer a fool according to his folly" — you're right, Mr. Hippogriff. Inq. How many white males are there between thirty and forty? Mrs. T. Why, there's nobody but I and my husband — and he was forty-one last March. Inq. As you count yourself among the males, I dare say you wear the breeches. Mrs. T. Well, what if I do, Mr. Impertinence? Is that anything to you? Mind j^our own business, if you please. lyiq. Certainly — I did but speak. How many white males are there between forty and fifty? Mrs. T. None. Inq. How many between fifty and sixty? Mrs. T. None. Inq. Are there any between this and a hundred? Mrs. T. None except the old gentleman. Inq. What old gentleman? You haven't mentioned any before. Mrs. T. Why, gramther Grayling — I thought everybody knew gramther Grayling — he's a hundred and two years old next August, if he lives so long — and I dare say he will, for he's got the dry wilt, and they say such folks never dies. Inq. Now give the number of deaf and dumb persons. Mrs. T, Why, there is no deaf persons, excepting hus- band, and he ain't so deaf as he pretends to be. When any- body axes him to take a drink of rum, if it's only in a whisper, he can hear quick enough. But if I tell him to fetch an armful of wood or feed the pigs or tend the griddle, he's as deaf as a horse-block. Inq. How many dumb persons? Mrs. T. Dumb! Why, there's no dumb body in the house except the wooden-headed man, and he never speaks unless i TAKIX^ 117 he's spoken to. To be sure, 1x13^ husband wishes I was dumb, but he can't make it out. Inq. Are there any manufactures carried on here? 3Irs. T, None to speak on, except turnip-sausages and to\v cloth. Inq, Turnip-sausag-esI Mrs. T. Yes, turnip-sausages. Is there anything so won- derful in that? Inq. I never heard of them before. What kind of ma- chinery is used in making them? Mrs. T. Nothing but a bread-trough, a chopping-knife and a sausage filler. Inq. Are they made of clear turnips? Mrs. T. No\v you're terrible inquisitive. What would you give to know? Inq. I'll give you the name of being the most commuaica- tive and pleasant woman I've met with for the last half -hour. Mrs. T. Well, now, you're a sweet gentleman, and I must gratify you. You must knov^ avg mix with the turnip a little red cloth, just enough to give them a color, so they needn't look as if they were made of clear fat meat; then we chop them up well together, put in a little sage, .summer savory, and black pepper; and they make as pretty little delicate links as ever vras set on a gentleman's table; they fetch the highest price in the market. Inq. Indeed! Have you a piano in the house? Mrs. T. Apiany! What's that? Inq. A musical instrument. Mrs. T. Lor, no. But Sary Jane, down at the Corners, has one — you see. Sary got all highfalutin about the great Colushun down to Bosting, and down she went; an' when she came back the old man got no rest until she had one of the big square music boxes with white teeth- -'spose that's what you call a piany. Inq. You seem to know what it is, then. Mrs. T. Yes, sir. Have you anything more to ax? Inq. Nothing more. Good-morning, madam. Mrs. T. Stop a moment; can't you think of something else? Do now, that's a good man. Wouldn't you like to know what we're a-going to have for dinner; or how many chickens our old white hen hatched at her last brood: or how many Inq. Nothing more — nothing more. Mrs. T. Here, just look in the cupboard, and see how many red ants there are in the sugar-bowl; I haven't time to count them myself. Inq, Confound your ants and all your relations I {Exit in a huff.) lis THE PAPER DON'T SAY. THE PAPER DONT SAY. CHABACTEBS. Mr. Slocum, ) A T> 4' n 1 Mrs. Slocum. \ ^ ^^^^^^^ <^^^^^^^' Scene — The porch of a country house, Mrs. Slocum knitting a blue stocking. Mr. Slocum reading the loeekly paper. Mr. S. I declare, wife, that was an awful accident over CO the mill. Mrs. S. What's it about, Mr. Slocum? Mr. S, I'll read the 'count, wife, and then you'll know all about it. (Beads.) Horrible and fatal accident. It becomes our melancholy and painful duty to record the particulars of an accident that occurred at the lower mill, in this village, yesterday afternoon, by which a human being, in the prime of life, was hurried to that bourne from which, as the im- mortal Shakespeare says, '*no traveler returns." Mrs. S. Du tell! Mr. S. Mr. David Jones, a workman who has but few superiors this side of the city, was superintending one of the large drums, — Mrs. S, 1 wonder if 'twas a brass drum, such as has JEplu- rihus JJnum printed on't. Mr. S. When he became entangled. His arm was drawn around the drum, and finally his whole body was drawn over the shaft at a fearful rate. When his situation was discov- ered, he had 'revolved with immense velocity about fifteen minutes, his head and limbs striking a large beam a distinct blow at each revolution. Mrs. S. Poor creature! how it must have hurt him! Mr. S. When the machinery had been stopped, it was found that Mr. Jones' arms and legs were macerated into jelly. Mrs. S. Yv^ell, didn't it kill him? {With increasiny interest.) Mr. S. Portions of the dura mater, cerebrum, and cerehel- luvi, in confused masses, were scattered about the floor; in short, the gates of eternity had opened upon him. ( Wipes his spectacles.) Mrs. S. Was the man killed? Mr. S. I don't know, haven't come to that place yet; i THE PAPER DON'T SAY. 119 pouM know when I have finished the piece. (Reads.) It ras evident, when the shapeless form was taken down, that vvas no loDg'er tenanted by the immortal spirit, that vital iparlv was exdnct. Mrs.S, Was the man killed? Tliat's what I want to ^ome at. 3lr. S. Do have a little patience. I presume we shall come ipon it right away. 3Ii\ S. This fatal casualty has cast a gloom over cnr [Village, and we trust that it will prove a warning to all per- sons vvho are called upon to regulate the powerful machinery 3f our mills. Mrs. iS. Now I should like to know whether the man was billed or not. 3I}\ tS. {Looks puzzled, scratches head and scrutinizes paper.) |I declarej wife, it's cujious; but really, the paper don't say THB JLITTL.B F01.KS Will Find Just the Thiagr to Mease them In By MARY J. JACQUES. jTOB SCHOOI,, CHTTRCH OR PARLOR ENTERTAINMENTS. While nearly all the exercises in the book may be used for public entertainments^ Fast I furnishes a choice variety of exercises in language, numbers, animated nature, tsotion-songs and marching exercises, adapted to popular tunes, etc , \ FOR DAILY USE IN THE SCHOOLROOM. T^ey will greatly assist the hard-ivorked teacher of smaller <:kildre» i» nty or country. It contains: Eiercises, adapted for marching to popular tunes. Motion Songs, adapted to popular tunes. Games in Grammar, Geograpliy and Arithmetia Exercises on TreeSj Plants, Flowers. Exercises on Animals. Exercises in Anatomy and Physiology. ^ he Seasons, Sun Earth, Wind* Zones. The Senses, Races of Men, Industries etc. CharadeS} Tableaux, Dialogues, Pantomimes, Allegories, Pantomime tableaux, iDeclamations, etc. **Her sUt,gestions are useful, her whole book is very bright, and the exercisei *aggested, are both easily done and effective." — Iowa Normal Mojztkly, POSTPAID, 25 CENTS. A NEW BOOK, BY MARY J. JACQUES. Author of '"^Q-RK AHD PI, AY." This book is brimful of all sorts of good things with which to beguile an evening. Voung persons at a loss to know how to amuse a few friends at an evening party, will find here just what they want. The Exercises hav3 very Great Variety, and are suitable for PARLOR, SCHOOL, CHURCH, or LITERARY ENTERTAIN- ; MEN IS. _^ __« STIRRING GAMES (11 Q^mes) ODDS AND ENDS (5 Games.) | TALKING *' (13 Games)... CHARADES (12 Pieces.) aUEBSING ** (13 Games),...,. ....PANTOMIMES (7 Pieces.) \ WRITING *' ( 7 Games) SHADOW SCENES. H^ustraticns of the Poets (These are sure to take.; ) PUZSLEDOM.— Watch Puzzle, Arithmetic Puzzle?, Enigmas, Conundrusaftt [ Intellectual Teats, Bishop's Puzzle, Anagrams, Charades, Riddles, / "Provides a world of fun at very little expense.'*— Ill Inoi's School journal. i PRICE. 25 Cents. / The Wax Piqgrr ©how; The limbs of the figures are supposed t© be moved by machinery'' so as to. rep^ sent appropriate motions of the figures, Mrs. Jarley explains each ' ^gger^'^ whicb represented by a living person. Fine opportune tiefj for local hits. THE BOOK CONTAINS FIFTY-FIVE FIGURES. Twenty -one of these, arranged by T. S. Denison, have never appeared In pnnt before. They are entirely modern, and *'take off" the oddities of the present' day te^ U the latest. The contents are : The Chamber of Secrets; Chamber of Modern Wonders- Chamber of Great Men of the Day; Chamber of Freaks of Nature; Cham« ber of Horrors; Chamber of Beauty; Historical Chamber; Museum of Notorious Curiosities. PRICE, PAPER COVER, S5 CENTS. T. S. DENISOK, PuTDlislier, vea RandolDh SU - "" CHICAGO. Pantomimes, Charades, Tableaux, eto. By SARAH L. STOCKI XG, . Author of School and Parlor Tableaux. In addition to the Shadow Pic-ures, consisting of comic scenes, illustrated proverbs, fjantomimes, etc., the book contains directions /or statuary and a pictztre gallery. The whole forms a choice repertoire for schools, clubs, churches, etc. Full direcHoTti ^iven for shadows, tableaux, etc. PBICE, PAPER COVER, 25 CENTS. School and ParlorITbleaux, By SARAH L STOCKING. A choice selection of original tableaux for school, church and parlor entertainment, f hey embrace a wide range of subjects, from the classical to the comic. THE BOOK CONTAINS 58 Tableaux and 5 Fin^ Pantomime Plays. These tableaux have proved so popular that several editions have beeri sold. PRICE, PAPER COVER, 25 CENTS. CHOICE PIECES FOR LITTLE PEOPLE. A fresh collection of the very best things for the little folks consisting of Very fitiort Pieces of a Few Iiines only, for the Smallest Tots. Pieces liliistrating a Moral. Pieces about Birds, Animals and Flowers. Funny Rhymes and Jingles. Pieces to be Bead or Spoken. Dialogues and Charades. PRICE, PAPER COVER, 25 CENTS. The Friday Afternoon Speaker. A choice collection of popular pieces, in three parts. Part I contains pieces for older boys and girls : Part II contains short pieces for little folks ; Part 111 consists of ihort pithy dialogues for boys and girls. '1 am very much pleas.ed with the 'Speaker' which was received to-day. It is just what I v,-antcd." — Lettie M. Cumnins^ Woodstock,^ IlL PRICE, PAPER COVER, 25 -CENTS. The Friday Aftern'oon Dialogues By T. S. DENISON. Twenty-FiV3 Short, Spicy Dialogues in One Took. Some for boys only • some for girls only ; some for both. These dialogues are not & rearrangement of some old dialogue or story. They are all original and have o. points Their large and continuous sale is sufficient evidence of their popularity. CONTENTS. —A Domestic Wanted; Playing Secretary; The Ghost in the Kitch- en; Temptation Resisted ; The Boaster Rebuked ; The Tea Party ; The Bashful Boy; The May Queen; The Anniversary ^Meeting; The Runaways; The Quack, The Debating Society, The Amusement Circle; The Patent Right Agent; The Society for the Suppression of Gossip; A Country Lawsuit; Lost Opportunities; An April Fool; Always Too Late. Charades; — Scandinavia; Grateful; Scintillate; Intensity; Stockade. *'l find your Friday Dialogues just the thing for school entertainments."-— Jfa^i SI Hoyt^ Honey Creeks Wis. S»RIOE, PAPER COVER, 25 CENTS. T. S. DSHISOiT, Publisher. 163 Randolph Street • ^ OHICAQa ^he Favorite Speaiier By T. G. LA MOILLE and EUGEIE PARSOHS ^^ COLLECTION of new pieces compiled with great care from the besi -^^^^ current literature of the day. Embraces a wide variety pathetic^ comic, patriotic, oratorical, in prose and poetry, in pleasing variety. if you don't Vv-ant to speak a piece, tbese selections are all good reading and worth remembering. There is not a trashy piece in the book. Price, paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents When the Lessons Are OVer By CLARA J, BEKTOri TfXyrEAV Dialogues, New Drills, New History Plays, Plays about Plants and -^ V Flowers, New Nuts to Crack in Public. This is a very popular book. Everything new. Thirty-one pieces, all original. Vricct paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents &he Patriotic Speaker Is Ho. 8 OF SCRAP-BOOK RECITATIONS, By H. M. SOPER MERE are found the master thoughts of the master minds. Selections mostly American, but some are from foreign sources. Good ior public epeftking or reading, for prize contests, or for the library. Price, paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents &he New Jolly Jester By HEIfRY L. WILLIAMS /^TrMlIS attractive book is a collection of the latest and best jokes. Inter- •^ spersed with short amusing anecdotes and funny stories. Nothing stale; a bright, new book of the keenest fun. A treasure of wit and humor and just the thing to drive away the "blues." Those in search of comic recitations will hnd good things. Price, paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents "Private Theatricals By CHARLES TOWNSEND ^MATEUES will find this book indispensable. It tells just what you want -^^^ to know in brief space. It will enable you to give a successful enter- tainment instead of a failure. Scores of practical things are explained here which cannot be enumerated. This book is as necessary as the play itself to beginners. Price, paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents T. S* DE^NISON, Publisher 163 Randolph St., CHICAGO I Black jimerican Joker Edited fey HENRY L. WILLIAMS ItK^ FI^'E coiiection of pieces suitable for End r-fen's dialogues in minstrel J^ shows. Wiierever a 'black lace" entertainment Is given this book will be found indispensable, Not a selection will be found objectionable. It Is the cream of darl^y humor. Trices paper coVer^ postpaid^ 25 cents J^egro Minstrels 3y CHARLES TOWNSEIO) A capital neW hook ht; one Who knoWs WRITTEN by one who is competent to decide from experience just what is needed. It contains: How to Organize, How jNlany Men Needed, How to Arrange Programme. How to r^Ial^e Up, Rehearsals, Business of Inter- locutor and End Men, Conundrums, End ]\reu"3 Gags, Stump Speeches, Finales, What Negro Plays to Select, etc. An entirely new book. Price, paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents The Little Folks' "Budget By MARIE IRISH THE prettiest and best boolv for Tiny Folks yet published. The rhymes are appropriate to the sentiments and language of children, the "busi- ness" is natural and easy. The sayings are not too *"old." Full directions. Price, paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents Scrap^'Book Recitations By EENRY M. SOPER, President Soper Scliooi of Oratory rHE Scrap-Book Series steadily grows in popular favor. It embodies all shades of thought and feeling, humorous, i>athetic, oratorical, dramatic, ")oetic. As its name indicates, it contains a large proportion of new matter. Kothing appears in any way objectionable to the most fastidious. "The selections are choice in quality and in large variety."— //z^^r Ocean, Chicago. "it excels 3.ny thing we have seen for the purpose."— ^c^^c^ic Teacher. "The latest and best things from our popular writers appear here."— Kormal Teacher. "The selections are fresh, pure and elevating," — Missouri Teacher. "Very bright and readable. A large proportion of good humor." — Teachers' Institute. 13 numbers* Price per number, postpaid, 25 cents T. Se DENISON/ Publisher 163 Randolph St„ CHICAGO jlll Sorts of Dialogues Selected by CLASA Jo DEI^TON nr^HESE dialogues for older pupils have been compiled from the writings of the most popular American authors. The book contains twenty-five dia- logues, also complete directions for presentation. Also contains a few pieces for little folks and special occasions! Arbor Day, Flower Day, Christmas, T\lrs. Denton has been very successful in suiting the popular taste. Her books are like the kernel of a nut— all meat. Prices paper coVer, postpaids 25 cents The Friday Afternoon Speaker J^ COLLECTION of popular pieces: For older boys and girls; for little folks; short pithy dialogues for boys and girls. The collection embraces a choice variety of humorous, pathetic and miscellaneous pieces. Several editions have been sold. New edition with some war pieces. " I am very much pleased with the ' Speaker,' which was received to-day. It is just what I wanted.*'— Ze/^^ie 31. Cummins, Woodstock, III. *-It is just suited to my purpose."— 6^60. W. Brooks, Dixon, Ky. Trice, paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents Dialect "Bjeadings FOR READING OR SPEAKING, By H. M. SOPER ^^rpHE richest humor of all ages lies in dialects, the language of those people who still speak strange tongues, and who are funny in spite of them- selves. The best specimens of the richest and most natural humor. Irish pieces, Dutch pieces, Xegro pieces, French pieces, Scotch dialect, Yankee dia- lect, Cockney dialect, Italian dialect, Heathen Chinee, etc. *Pricej paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents From Tots to Teens By CLARA J. DENTON ^pHESE dialogues are intended to suit all sorts of young people, from the wee ones up to the oldest. For boys a2one, girls alone, for both sexes. PART I. For older boys and girls. 14 pieces. PART II. For the wee ones. 7 pieces. PART III. Keep the Holidays; Christmas; 4th of July; Washington's Birthday. PART IV. For wee ones to speak. 25 pieces. Trice, paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents T. S. DENISON, Publisher 163 Randolph St., CHICAGO One Hundred Entertainments For Parlor Use By CHARLOTTE W. EASTMAN i^S its name Indicates, this book has been prepared especially for parlor *^^ diversion. It contains an unlimited am.ount of amusement of every pos- sible liind. All the diversions have been tried under the supervision of the autbor. Only such materials are needed as m.ay be found at hand or easily supplied by the guests. It is impossible to describe here all these very amus- ing and original diversions. Get the book and you will be surprised. The most simple objects and incidents of daily life may be made highly amusing. Prices paper coVer, postpaid^ 25 cents The Best Drill Book Including the Most Tailing Drills and Marches By MARIE IRISH, Author of ^*Tlie Little Folks* Budget*' WHEN the manuscript of this book was sent in for examination I hesi- tated about publishing it because of the many Drill Books on the market. But its merit and its sales have amply justilied the title Best. '*! have used ' The Best Drill Book ' and find it far ahead of any oiher."— Mina Pearsons ^ Le VaUe, Wis. Prices paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents The "Poetical Entertainer The Old School House and Other Poems and Conceits in Verse By T. S. DENISON, Author of "An Iron Crown,'* '^Tlie Man BeMnd,'* "My Invisible Partner,** and thirty -six plays THIS book contains 58 original poems (finely illustrated). A great variety, divided into five sections: I. ]Miscellaneous Poems. II. Poems of Love. III. Poems of Travel. iV. Poems of War. V. The Tyrant Imm.ortal (a study). The last poem is suitable for labor organizations. \Tudging by the immense sale of Denison's plays this book will be a popular one. Prices fancy boards^ 50 cents The Comic Entertainer By E. L. WILLfAMS ^^N up-to-date collection of the choicest humor. Such a variety in prose •^^^ and poetry as to suit almost any occasion= The boolv also contains four IVlonologues, two for male and two" for female characters ; also four Short Dialogues. Don't get this book for serious reading. Jt is afunn^' book from first page to last. It is not a collection of old clippings, but is almost all new matter. Price, paper coVer, postpaid, 25 cents, CM II MIThl -nri ^ r : : II I I T. S. DENISON, Publisher 163 Randolph St., CHICAGO T. S. Denison's Writings in Iron Crown, an anti-monopoly novel, 4tli edition, cloth (Illus.). .. ^1.50 The Man Beliind, 6th edition, cloth i . 50 Paper 25 My Invisible Partner, a novel, cloth 1 .00 Friday Afternoon Dialogues, 31,000 sold 25 Old Sclioollioiise and Other Poems and Conceits in Verse, cloth (Ilias.) l.oo Pla^S {457 MO sold) Tlie Assessor, sketch (10,000). SO. 15 Borrowing: TrouMe, farce (15,000) , 15 Tiie Col3Mer, monologue (2,000) _... .15 Conyention of Papas (1,000) , . .15 Country Justice? burlesque trial (11,000) ,..,., 15 Danger Signal, drama (33,000).. 15 Dude in a Cyclone, farce (2,000) 15 Family Strike, farce (7,000) 15 First Class Hotel, farce (3,000) 15 Eans von Smash., farce (37,000) « 15 Hard Cider, temperance sketch (6,000) „ 15 InitiatiEg a Granger, farce (12,000) , .15 Irish Linen Peddler, farce (27,000)...- 15 Is the Editor In? farce (G,000) 15 It's All in the Pay Streak, dram.a (2,000) 25 Kansas Immigrants, farce (15,000) , .15 Louva The Pauper, drama (34,000) 15 Madame Princeton's Temple of Beauty (2,0010- ••' = 15 Hew Woman, comedy (4,000)... 1*5 Odds With Enemy, drama (12,000) 15 Only Cold Teao sketch (2,000) ,. 15 Only Daughter, drama (8, 000) .15 Cur Country, historical play (6,000)..., 15 Patsy O'Wang, farce (3,000)..... 15 Pets cf Society^ farce (6,000). .0.. 15 Pull -Back, farce (12,000)= 15 Rejected, farce (2,000) 15 School Ma'am, comedy (28.000).., 15 Seth Greenback, drama (11,000) ,. .15 Sparkling Cup, temperance play ( 12,000) . .15 Too Much of a Good Thing, farce (31,000).... 15 Tcpp- s Twins, comedy (4,000) 25 Two Ghosts in White, farce (13,000) .15 Under the Laurels, play (48,000).... 15 Wanted, A Correspondent, farce (8,000) 15 Wide Enough for Xwo^ farce (22,000),.. 15 T, S. DENISON, Publisher 163 Randolph St., CHICAGO WINTOJNG FiMRS PRICE a5« T.S.DENISON JBLiSHER CHICACO Twinkling fingers and Swaging Figures By CLARA J. DEHTOB Jiusic ty W. C. PARKER. ILLTJSTEATEB. GF.M 01 : nplay? and song-. > ones ever Lre such as :' Simple anc ^ aere are sis - - i : 1 i . 1^ -J^'^J .-- -.. L .. ::-_~_.l .1^' I >^. ^un? to them In.s is a book lor the nome, the School, the nevr tunes, and other pic.c- afordiRiC much variety, ''ii Kindergarten, or Exhibitlcns. Trice, Taper CoVer, Postpaidj 25 Cents. Mother Goose's Goslings Tp)LAY containing songs with music, byEiizaheth T. Giiptill; r ' " ■ -. ^ Time, 30 m. P2as\' to present. No scenery, costumes simp" never tire of Mother" Goose melodies, and never have they : . .... r arranged f :t an entertainment. This Is a lively little play, full or lun and sure to ma k.e a hit. Trice, Tostpaid, 15 Cents. The Old Maids' Club /f^OMIG entertainment in otlq scene, by Marie Butterfield; 2 m... 16 f. ^^ 'lime, about IVo h. C'>stames old-maidish and grotesque. The clu'o is organized to secure husbP'.ds. and the recital of their adventures in ihe cbase is very funnj'. Just th** (hing for a church or woman's club entertainme*~;i. Easy to produce aD^l ^ money-maker. An evening of refined, hilarious fun. Trice, Tostpaid, 25 Cents. The Gruff Judge and Happtj Santa Claus ('T^HRISTMAS cantata, libretto by Fanny E. Newberry, ,.:. ^^^=^ Towne: 6 m., 5 f. Cnorus of boys and girls, Scenes: Siu: Santa Glaus (bass). Mrs. Fry, the Judge's housekeeper (soprano ning. a poor widow (alto). Bessie. MA^^ie a-cl ;V;,ce (soprano -.,:;. Judge Sterne (tenor). Zeke. his so e vridow's soxi. rlarvy (tenor".. Joe. a boy. Gostumes ^- :. clever plot and very pleasing music. Trice, Tostpaid, 30 Cents. Six Copies, $1.25. T. S. DENiSON, Publisher 163 Randolph St., CHICAGO Wide Awake dialogues By T. S. BEHJSOlsr Anther of **Jhe Friday Afterncan Dialogues -» and 40 Plays HALF A MILLIOIf BOOKS SOLD. CONTENTS (28 pieces) : Barring Out the Teacher. Bachelor Girls' Club. Becky Calico. Bootblack, The. Boy Who Was a Coward. Caniera Obscura, The. Dur- bar, The. Fred's Visit to Town. Going to California Gold Brick, The. Gossipers, The. Got a New Suit. Lady Novelist, The. Lemonade Stand. Monkey and Madstone. New Boy in School. Old Photo- graph Album. Playing Married. Seance, The. Sea Serpent vs. Mermaid. Sitting Up for Husbands to Come Home. Slow Beau and Fast Beau. Stolen Pocketbook. Stolen Sweets. Stolen Watermelons, Trying the New Teacher. What Bird Would You Be? When I Am a W^oman. Fresh subjects, some for boys alone, some for girls, some for both. Price^ Paper CoVer, Postpaid, 25 Cents. ^^ The Surprise Drill Book By MARIE IRISH, Author ol **TiLQ Best Brill Boo]£.»» New Drills with Diagrams and Full instructions. Fresh, Striking", and Sure to Please. CONTENTS: Bell and Belle Drill. Burlesque Flower Drill. Clown Drill. Contest of the Cans. Doll's Les- son, March and Motion Song. Elephant Drill. Father Goose's Convention. Father Time's Reception. Ghost March. Handkerchief Drill, Burlesque. Hayseed Drill. Heart or Star Drill. Japanese Lantern Drill. March of the Pinks. Rose Drill. Gun Drill. Holly Drill. Popcorn Drill. March of the Pilgrims. Suggestions for Fancy March- ing. Sunbonnet Drill. Wand Flag Drill. The Witches, Song and March. Price, Paper CoVer, Postpaid^ 23 Cents, T. S. OENJSON VV&i.lSn£R T. S. DENISON, Publisher 163 Randolph St.. CHICAGO DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given. FARCES AND SKETCHES. M. F. Assessor, sketch, 10 min 3 2 April Fools, 80 min 3 0 BadJob, 30 min 3 2 Bardell vs. Pickwick, 25 min... 6 2 Beautiful Forever, 30 min 2 2 Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 Blind Margaret, musical, 30 m. 3 3 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min... 0 5 Borrowing Trouble, 25 min 3 5 Box and Cox, 35 min 2 1 Breezy Call, 25 min 2 1 Bumble's Courtship, 18 min... 1 1 cabman No. 93, 40 min 2 2 C.'Tistmas Ship, musical, 20 m. 4 3 Gobbler, 10 min 10 Convention of Papas, 25 min. .. 7 0 Country Justice, 15 min 8 0 Cow That Kicked Chicago, 20 min 3 2 Cut Ott" with a Shilling, 25 min. 2 1 Deception, 30 min 3 2 Desperate Situation, 25 min. . . 2 3 Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min 5 3 Fair Encounter, sketch, 20 min. 0 2 Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 First-ClassHoteL 20 min 4 0 Freezing a Mother-in-Law, 45 min 3 2 Great Medical Dispensary, 30 min 6 0 Hans \'on Smash, 30 min 4 3 Hard Cider, temperance, 15 m.. 4 2 Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 Homoeopathv, Irisn, 30 min.... 5 3 I'll Stay Awhile, 20 min 4 0 I"m Not Mesilf at All, 25 min.. 3 2 Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. . 8 0 in the Wrong House, 20 min. . . 4 2 Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min. . 3 3 Is the Editor in? 20 min 4 2 John Smith, 30 min 5 3 Just My Luck, 20 min 4 3 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min 5 1 Kiss in the Dark, 30 min 2 3 Larkin's Love Letters, 50 min.. 3 2 Lend Me Five Shillings, 40 min. 5 2 Limerick Boy, 30 min 5 2 Little Black Devil, 10 min 2 1 Love and Rain, sketch, 20 min. 1 1 Lucky Sixpence, 30 min 4 2 Lucy's Old Man, sl^etch, 15 m. 2 3 Madame Princeton's Temple of Beauty, 20 min 0 6 Mike Donovan, 15 min 1 3 Misses lieers, 25 min 3 3 Mistake in Identity, 15 min... 0 2 Model of a Wife, 25 min 3 2 Mrs. Gamp's Tea, sketch, 15 m. 0 2 My Jeremiah, 20 min .. 3 2 My Lord in Liverv, 45 min 4 3 My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min. ... 33 M. r. My Turn Next, 50 min 4 3 Narrow Escape, sketch, 15 m... 0 2 Not at Home, 15 min 2 0 Obstinate Family, 40 min 3 3 On Guard, 25 min 4 2 Only Cold Tea, 20 min 3 3 Outwitting the Colonel, 25 m.. 3 2 Patsy O' Wang, 35 min 4 3 Pat the Apothecary, 35 min 6 2 Persecuted Dutchman, 35 min. 6 3 Pets of Society, 30 min. 0 7 Played and Lost, sketch, 15 m. 3 2 Pull-Back, 20 min 0 6 Quiet Family, 45 min 4 4 Realm of Time, musical, 30 min. 8 15 Regular Fix, 50 min 6 4 Rejected, 40 min 5 3 Rough Diamond, 40 rain 4 3 Row in Kitchen and Politician's Breakfast, 2 monologues.. . 1 1 Silent Woman, 25 min 2 1 Slasher and Crasher, 1 hr. 15 m. 5 2 Taming a Tiger, 20 min 3 0 That Rascal Pat, 35 min 3 2 To Oblige Benson, 45 min 3 2 Too Much for One Head, 25 m.. 2 4 Too Much of a Good Thing, 50 min 3 6 Treasure from Egypt, 45 min.. 4 1 Trick Dollar, 30 min 4 3 Turn Him Out, 50 min 3 3 Twenty Minutes Under Um- brella, sketch, 20 min 1 1 Two Bonnycastles, 45 min 3 3 Two Gay Deceivers, 25 min .... 30 Two Gents in a Fix, 20 min 2 0 Two Ghosts in White, 25 min. . 0 8 Twoof a Kind, 40min .. 2 3 Two Puddifoots. 40 min 3 3 Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. .'J 2 Very Pleasant Evening, 30 min 3 0 Wanted: a Correspondent, 1 hr. 4 4 Wanted; a Hero, 20 min 1 1 W^hich Will He Marrv? 30 min. 2 8 White Caps (The),musical, 30m. o 8 Who is Who, 40 min 3 2 Who Told the Lie? 30 min,.... 5 3 Wide Enough for Two. 50 min. 5 2 Woman Hater (The), 30 min... 2 1 Wonderful Letter, 25min 4 2 Wooing Under Difficulties, 35 min 4 3 Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 The publisher believes that he can say truthfully that Denison's list of plays is on the w^hole the best se- lected and most successful in th^ market, ^''ew Flays will be addea from time to time. For Ethiop'.an Plays see Catalogue T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. CHOICE PLAYS AND AMUS 0 022 204 629 4 ■ Plays by T. S. DENISON. That the plays written by T. S. Denison are, all things considered, the best for amateurs, is attested by their very large and increasing sale. New plays in this type. COMEDIES. M. F. Odds with the Enemy, 4 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 7 4 Seth Greenback, 4 acts, 1 hr. 15 min.. 7 3 The School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 6 5 Only Daughter, 3 acts, Ihr. 15m. 5 2 Louva, the Pauper, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 9 4 Under the Laurels, 5 acts. 2 hrs. 5 4 Danger Signal, 2 acts, Ihr. 45m. 7 4 Our Country, Historical Play, 3acts, Ihr 10 5 Topp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 hrs 6 4 It's all in Pay Streak, 3 acts, 1 hr. 40 min 4 3 The New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr.. 3 6 FARCES. Initiating a Granger, 25 rain.. . 8 0 Wanted: a Correspondent, 2 acts, 45 min 4 4 A Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 0 8 The Assessor, 10 min 3 2 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 Country Justice, 20 min 8 0 The Pull-Back, 20 min 0 6 Hans von Smash, 2 acts, 30 min. 4 3 Irish Linen Peddler, 2 acts, 40 min 3 3 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min 5 1 Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 min 3 6 Is the Editor In? 20 min.. 4 2 Pets of Society, 20 min 0 7 Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 Rejected, 40 min 5 3 A First=Clas» Hotel, 20 min. . ..4 0 Madame Princeton's Temple of Beauty, 20 min 0 6 Dude in Cyclone, 20 min ....... 53 The Cobbler, 10 min 10 A Convention of Papas, 25 min. 7 0 TEMPERANCE. The Sparkling Cup. 5 acts, 2 hrs. 12 4 Hard Cider, 10 min 4 2 Only Cold Tea, 20 min 3 3 ^"Topp's Twins, and It's All in the Pay Streak, 25c each. All others, 15c each, Postpaid OPERETTAS. Bonnybell 25c. Elma, the Fairy Child 25c. Eulalia 25c. Let Love But Hold the Key . . . . 25c. Pocahontas 15c. Large Catalogue Free. DIALOGUES. Friday Afternoon Dialos^ues. Twenty-live original pieces... 25c. All Sorts of Dialogues. New, fine for older pupils 25c. When the Lessons are Over. New Dialogues, Drills, Plays.. 25c. Dialogues from Dickens. Thirteen Selections 25c. From Tots to Teens. Dialogues for youths, chil- dren, little tots, pieces for special occasions 25c. SPEAKERS. Poetical Entertainer. New original poems for all occasions (bound), illustrated. 50Cv Friday Afternoon Speaker. For pupils of all ages 25c. Favorite Speaker. Choice prose and poetry 25c. Comic Entertainer. Comic recitations, finales, monologues, dialogues, etc.... 25g. Choice Pieces for Little People. 25c. Patriotic Speaker. Selections from best authors. . 25c. Dialect Readings. Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc., 25c. Scrap^Book Recitations. Choice collections, pathetic, humorous, descriptive, prose, poetry. 13 Nos., per No. . 25c. SPECIALTIES, Entertainments, etc. Best Drill Book. Taking Drills and Marches. . 25c. Little Folk's Budget. Best book for tiny folks 25c. Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes. Charades, and how to prepare, 25c. School and Parlor Tableaux. For school, church and parlor, 25c. Wax Figgers of Mrs. Jarley. With full directions. . 25c. Private Theatricals. Selecting plays, cast, rehear- sals, rain, lightning, etc 25c. Negro Minstrels. Tells the whole thing 25c. Black American Joker. For minstrel shows . . . . 25c. New Jolly Jester. Full of the keenest fun 25c. Work and Play. A gem of a book for children. 25c. One Hundred Entertainments. New parlor diversions, socials, 25c. Pranks and Pastimes. Games, puzzles, shadows 25c. Social Card Games. Complete manual ..W... 25c. Debater's Handbook (clotfe) .... 50c. Good Manners .« 25c. Everybody's Letter Writer. . . . 25c. DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago.